


It Will Be Alright

by bondove



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Angst, Family Drama, Family Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Relationship Problems, Sad with a Happy Ending, They never broke up and got married after season 3, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 59,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23758495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bondove/pseuds/bondove
Summary: Jude and Zero have been married for years. They have a beautiful home. Lovely children. Everything is fine, but nothing is okay. Jude feels trapped and Zero has had enough. Will the struggle break them for good?
Relationships: Jude Kinkade/Zero | Gideon, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 138
Kudos: 155
Collections: Hit The Floor ▶ Zero / Jude Kinkade





	1. Good Night

Jude was standing by their small table. Zero had went to get drinks ages ago. He had probably gotten stuck in chit-chat. This was yet another posing event after all. Cameras flashing everywhere kind of a deal. Jude was used to that, but he had a bad feeling in his stomach. They had taken all of their official photos already, but there were always more photos to be taken. Jude was painfully aware of that.

When they had been standing there in the flashing lights, barely touching each other, it had felt the same as the events before their coming out. Jude wasn’t sure if Zero had noticed it. If he had, he had hidden it well. Zero was good at hiding things, had always been. Jude just hoped that he wasn’t hiding anything big right now. Which was hypocritical of Jude to hope, since he was not telling Zero about a whole bunch of stuff. He tried to think it wasn’t that serious. Lies. _Lieslieslies_. 

Everything had started to go to ditch when Zero quit playing. It was glamorized in every damn article and interview they had done. Zero had went out with a bang. Getting the ring as a captain right before having his number frozen and lifted up? _Legendary_. Zero had went down as a hero. And now that Elias was ought to break high school level records with his team, it was just perfect. There was a new Kinkade on the court. Jude was so proud of their son and it was great press that he was doing so amazing when Zero quit. But Jude hated everything about Zero ending his career as a player. 

When they had started to talk about Zero quitting, Jude had been excited. They could travel more. Go to do all the things that Zero wasn’t allowed to do due to the list of banned things to prevent injuries. They had talked about moving away from LA for a while. They had talked about adopting a third kid. Jude’s heart ached when he thought about all that. It would never happen. He knew that. Now that Zero didn’t have practices, games, tight schedule and drama at the arena, he had started to act differently. 

Zero wasn’t who he used to be. Neither was Jude. They were older. They were no longer Zero the Bad Baller and lame EVP Jude. They were the owners of Los Angeles Devils. _Family men._ Partners keeping up the Kinkade Dynasty. Jude felt like it was all a lie now. There were many unspoken things happening in their relationship. Like how they hadn’t kissed for months unless there was an audience for it. Or how they had started to lock their bathroom door. Or how they never really talked about what had happened during their days. Or how they sometimes left their rings on a table by the front door and barely remembered to put them on before leaving the house. 

Maybe it wasn’t Zero’s career ending that had caused it all. Jude did like to blame that. It was easier than admitting that it had been happening for a long time now - and it was their own fault. They didn’t talk about it. They were just circling around it. Being cautious. It was weird. Jude had never been cautious talking about their relationship. Same went for Zero for the time after the first few months of them being together. Now they talked about business, kids and -. Actually, Jude couldn’t think of anything other than that that they had talked about recently.

Lionel was walking towards him now. Jude tried his best not to show how beaten up he felt. Hiding it all from Lionel was rough. She just wanted the very best for them. For Jude. But she had her own burdens to carry, Jude didn’t need to make it worse for her. 

“Why are you here when the party is over there?” Lionel started and put her small purse on the table next to Jude’s empty glass; “I will kill the next person who asks me about any kind of a sport. I don’t know. I don’t care. Who watches sports? How terrible your life needs to be for you to want to watch grown people fighting over a ball?”

Jude scoffed; “You really should consider another line of business.” 

Lionel just brushed it off, like she had done for many, many years. How Lionel was still in the charge of Inside Sports Network was a mystery. Jude had guessed that she would last few years at that tops, but no. She was still working as a head of a network reporting solely about sports. It was ridiculous. 

“Can you tell Elias to come in and give some comments about how he wants to make it to the Devils and honor your name blah blah blah. Iron is hot now,” Lionel asked. Or told Jude to do so. The line between those two was paper thin. 

“You won’t use my son to get views,” Jude deadpanned. He meant that, but he knew he didn’t have much of a say in it. Elias was very independent with the press. Maybe a bit too much. 

“I want his pretty face and high schooler charm. It sells. America loves a beautiful boy with a tragic past and a bright future.” 

Lionel was right, everyone did love that. Jude was a bit worried would Elias handle the newfound publicly. Sure, they had been in the eye of the storm for many years, but he had never been there on his own. Elias could say something he shouldn’t in front of a wrong person and bang - everyone would know. Their PR team was usually present for every event, but they couldn’t make them follow Elias everywhere. It would look foul and make him stand out in the wrong way. Jude did trust Elias. He was a smart kid. _But he was just a kid._ Teenagers tended to be quite dumb sometimes. 

“Ask him. He can choose,” Jude promised to Lionel, who looked delighted. Elias would never in million years miss a chance to be in the spotlight and she knew that full well. 

Lionel started to chat about some new guy she had working for her. It was very hard for Jude to keep focused. He did try, but it was hard. Noah something. It wasn’t really that important. Although as an owner he should care about everything that was happening at the arena. Bits and pieces.

Jude spotted Zero walking towards them, but then he stopped to talk to some girl. Some woman, not a girl. It was very... intimate. Her hair moved awfully much for someone who was standing on spot. She was laughing at something and put her hand on Zero’s arm. And Jude felt-, well he didn’t really feel anything. Which was weird. Five years ago, he would had been gripping tightly to his glass, trying to keep it together and not run straight to Zero to claim him like a desperate teenager. But now, nothing. He didn’t even feel a need to squeeze his jealousy on the edge of the table. Maybe he had just grown out of that ridiculous behavior. 

Jude found himself grinding his teeth. Was he jealous after all? Although he did grind his teeth a lot. Who knew, Jude sure didn’t. 

“I think I should leave,” Jude said and forced himself to look away from Zero; “Louise is probably ready to resign already.” 

Louise was their nanny. Her job was mostly just to babysit the kids during the nights Jude and Zero were away and cook for them. She was a tough lady in her 60s. Jude was sometimes almost intimidated by her, which was only a good thing. Jude secretly hoped that Alyssa was intimidated by Louise too. Heaven knows he loved his daughter, but she could be quite a headache sometimes. 

Lionel just nodded. She had first-hand experience of just how far Alyssa would go sometimes just to have a laugh. It was getting late and the event was slowly turning sloppy. This was the time when the alcohol had done its deed and people opened their mouths too much.

Jude tried to find Zero from the room, but he couldn’t. He was there like two seconds ago. Where was he? Jude kept scanning the room, until he finally spotted Zero by the bar desk with that random woman. Should he just walk there? Or should he call him or just leave? Why was he thinking like this? Of course, he would just walk there. It wasn’t that big of a deal. He wanted to leave, preferably with his husband. 

Jude hugged Lionel as a goodbye. She told him to get some with a wicked smile. _Oh, he wished_. Steps felt heavy to take and the air was getting thinner. Jude didn’t like this feeling. Zero was leaning close to the woman he was chatting with and Jude felt like an acrid housewife when he walked up to the them. Jude tapped Zero’s shoulder, trying to get his attention. Zero grunted at first and only after that bothered to check who it was. Upon realization he instantly leaned back, smirking at no one specifically.

“Having fun?” Zero asked and briefly touched Jude’s upper back. It felt more brotherly than romantic.

“Sure. It’s a party,” Jude answered, and he heard the bitterness in his voice. He didn’t like it. The woman was quick to wish them a nice evening before walking away. She did turn to give Zero one last smile before joining another group.

“Ready to leave?” Jude asked and Zero just nodded. Jude had a feeling that he actually wanted to say, but he didn’t question it. Zero would have to say if he wanted to stay. He was a grown man.

They walked out of the venue in silence. The photographers by the doors asked permission to snap a few more pictures of them. They posed next to each other, smiled clued to their faces. Zero praised the party and said something about appreciating the work people do for the cause. Jude couldn’t remember what the fundraising was for. He just smiled and nodded slightly. That was his excellence. Standing silently, nodding, and keeping the distance. Zero had always been the one to shine and Jude enjoyed staying off the light.

The valet brought the car in front of the main doors. Zero waved to the paparazzi as he stepped into the car. Jude kept his head down like he always did.

The drive home was silent. Zero said something about hating the shoes he was wearing and being done with the clothing marketing at parties. It all went unregistered by Jude. White noise. Streets were empty as they drove. Few years ago this would have been the moment when they parked somewhere in shadows and moved to the backseat for a moment. Not anymore. Thinking about that felt weird. Like those things had happened in an alternative universe. Like those memories weren’t real. Jude tried not to think about it.

Zero was first to get out of the car when they got to their house. Jude had to take a deep breath before getting up. His shoulders felt heavier than usual. Standing tall felt hard. But that was what Jude did. He tried to work confidence into his steps as he walked. It usually worked.

Jude crossed paths with Louise, who wished him a good night. Zero had probably told her to go home. She was always quick to leave when they go home. Apparently, she didn’t like to be ‘on their way’ as she said.

“Guess what daddy promised me!” Alyssa exclaimed in a cheery tone when Jude walked into the living room. She was in her pajamas as she should have been, but Jude had wished that she would have been in bed by now. It was 2 am after all. Louise had probably been fighting with her about that for quite a while.

“What sweetie?” Jude asked and sat down on couch next to her.

“I can do the interview on Valley Girl!” Alyssa smiled, excited.

Jude looked up at Zero, who shrugged. They had talked about that and Jude had been against it. Alyssa was turning 15 the following week and the Valley Girl had asked could they come to film the party and do a brief interview. Valley Girl was a media group with the focus on young girls. They tended to make everything look extravagant and sometimes it ended up in an outrage. People weren’t really fans of seeing teenage girls flaunting their wealth and being oblivious to their privilege. Alyssa was a show-off and she was definitely spoiled rotten. It wasn’t the best combo.

“Why are you looking like that? Dad?” Alyssa asked and pouted; “Daddy promised me already, right?”

“Yeah I did,” Zero said; “I think it’s fine. We’re gonna be there the whole time anyway.”

“Uh nah, no you’re not,” Alyssa protested. She crossed her arms, but she looked rather pathetic in her pink pajamas and braids. She was still so young.

“Oh yeah, we will be,” Zero said and picked her up from the couch. He swayed her on his arms like a baby and made Alyssa laugh. Zero kissed her forehead, dramatically and declared: “You’re our itty-bitty bundle still!”

Jude couldn’t help but laugh as well. Zero spun around, Alyssa on his arms, making her squeal out. They all laughed when Zero let Alyssa down.

“I’m not a baby!” Alyssa giggled.

“Are you sure?” Zero asked and tried to grab Alyssa into a hug. She took quick steps back before running off the room, still laughing out loud. Zero ran after her, yelling how his baby girl was on the run. Alyssa squeaked and Jude heard her running up the stairs.

Like that, the moment was over. Jude’s smile died down. Alyssa and Zero’s voices echoed in the hallway. It felt like a dark cloud was over Jude again. He didn’t like this dreary feeling. Not at all.

When Jude got upstairs, he went straight to their dressing room. Zero had been standing at Elias’s door, talking though it. Jude didn’t need to check-up on him as well.

Jude dropped all his clothes straight into the laundry chute. The suit didn’t really need washing, but he didn’t care. Jude stepped into the shower. Cold water felt awful, but at least it felt like something. Jude wished that he could wash off the nasty feeling. It would take a bit more than water and soap to get him into a better mental state, but it could help.

Why was it so hard to feel good? Jude had always been a worrier. Never fully relaxing. Trying to be cool and collected but feeling like a fool. Jude was getting fed up with it. Lately it had started to feel like Jude had to keep his walls up constantly. It had been a while since he had had a good, honest talk about his feelings with anyone. That had to change. Sulking around wouldn’t make anything better. Maybe cold shower actually helped.

Jude stepped out of the shower at the same time as Zero knocked on the door and stepped in, not bothering to wait for Jude to answer. Zero had already stripped off his clothes. He gave Jude a small smile as he walked past him into the shower. Jude hesitated for a moment before saying anything.

“How are you?” Jude asked, sincerely. Zero looked at Jude over his shoulder. He raised his brows, as if he were asking what Jude meant.

“Fine, why?” Zero said and turned his head. Water poured over Zero and Jude had to look away. He didn’t feel like he was allowed to look. It felt weird being like this with him.

“Uh, nothing,” Jude answered. He bit his lip, annoyed. This was the moment to open his mouth. An opportunity to say that he wasn’t happy. Or satisfied. Or feeling fulfilled in their relationship. Or in love. But the words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth. There was lump in Jude’s throat.

Zero didn’t ask anything further. He was humming, swaying in the shower as he rubbed shampoo on his hair. Water streamed down Zero’s back. Jude had to get out of there. He hung his towel on the hook and left the bathroom, skin mostly undried.

Jude saw Zero’s ring on the dresser drawer. It was the most normal thing. He had always left the ring there before showering. Somehow it still made Jude’s heart ache and stomach drop. Jude looked down at his own hand and realized he wasn’t wearing his own ring. He didn’t remember taking off. Or putting it on. One look at the nightstand told him it hadn’t been on him that day. Oh well.

Jude put on boxers and a t-shirt before going into the bed. He turned off the lights and pulled the cover over his whole body. Jude had to resist the urge to bury his head in the covers. He felt desperate – and didn’t even know why. The sinking feeling was getting worse and worse. It had been like this for a while. He pressed his eyes close and waited. It didn’t take long for Zero to come to bed as well. The cover got lifted and cold air got in contact with Jude’s damp skin.

“Good night,” Zero said quietly. Jude didn’t answer. He tried to get the words out, but only thing coming out of his mouth was just a shaky breath. Zero turned to his side. No one said anything. Jude kept his eyes closed and tried to breathe quietly. He didn’t want to break. Not now. Not like this.

It felt like it was all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please LEAVE A COMMENT if you want me to continue writing this!


	2. Cool Dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments! I honestly assumed that I would get maybe one "ok fic :))" comment lol. So thank you so much. I will keep writing this!

“But Dad for real. Why can’t I have a driver? Everyone else has a one. Elias wants us to have a driver as well!”

“No, I don’t! I want a car for myself,” Elias corrected his sister’s words, who threw him a nasty look.

“Derek and Ahsha have one!”

“That’s because Derek can’t drive.”

“Zero!” Jude huffed and turned to Alyssa: “What’s wrong with me or your dad driving you around?”

Alyssa pouted and crossed her arms unsatisfied before answering: “You are lame.”

“We are lame?” Zero laughed and pulled up his t-shirts sleeve to show off his bicep: “Do you think that this is lame?”

Alyssa made a wry face and gagged. Even Elias looked like he wanted to die right on the spot. Their children’s disgust just made Zero feel even more amused. Zero saw how Jude tried to hide his smile and stood up to clear the table. He piled the plates and grabbed the stewpot from the table with his empty hand. 

Zero laid back in his chair and followed Jude with his eyes. He wasn’t had Jude been acting weird last night. Zero knew that he hadn’t acted like the best husband. He had made yet another disappearing stunt and hadn’t made an effort to discuss about anything with Jude either. It wasn’t the nicest way to behave. Especially since he knew that Jude sometimes overreacted and jumped into conclusions from things like that.

Truth to be told Zero had hoped that Jude would have said something about it. Zero didn’t like bringing things up. Confrontation had always been Jude’s department. He had always been the one to bring things up and bug Zero with them until things got resolved. Zero didn’t like to do it himself. He always said something too cruel or was too demanding. Or at least that was how he felt.

“Helloooo? Dad?” Alyssa bust up Zero’s thoughts: “The driver?”

“No way!” Jude yelled from the kitchen, even though Alyssa had been addressing to Zero.

“Cool Dad? Please I’ll be so nice to you if I get one!” Alyssa begged. The kids called both him and Jude dad. It wasn’t usually confusing, but it had become a joke that Jude was the nice dad and Zero was the cool dad. Or had been, Alyssa was now in that age that everything was embarrassing to her, so Zero was usually just as ‘lame’ as Jude.

“No way,” Zero repeated Jude’s words, but winked at Alyssa. He could pay for someone to be a taxi driver for his daughter. Jude wasn’t the one driving her around anyway, since he actually had a day job unlike Zero.

On the other side of the table Elias was spreading his hands in disbelief. He didn’t say anything but he clearly wasn’t happy with his little sister getting something when he didn’t. Alyssa smirked and stuck out his tongue, but Elias yelled “DAAAAAD!” as an answer, getting Jude to come back from the kitchen.

“What?”, Jude said, dish cloth and plate on his hand.

“Can I get a car?” Elias asked. Zero and Alyssa shared a horrified look. 

Jude first looked at Elias and then turned to Zero and Alyssa. He raised his brows at Zero, who was now the one spreading his arms. Jude took none of it and ordered Zero to come into the kitchen ‘to help with the dishes’. Zero heard a muffled ouch coming from the dining room behind him the second he left the room. Alyssa had probably kicked his brother. 

Jude looked very displeased as he handed the dishcloth to him and pointed the small pile of wet dishes. Zero couldn’t believe that his teenage son had gotten him in to trouble.

“You need to stop pampering Alyssa,” Jude said in a low voice. He didn’t look at Zero and was more focused on scrubbing the sink. It didn’t need cleaning. Zero chose not to point that out.

“I do the same to Elias,” Zero answered, even though he knew that that wasn’t the point Jude had been trying to make. Jude looked up at Zero. He didn’t look pleased.

“You can’t just keep ignoring my opinion and do whatever you want,” Jude said, still talking quietly.

“Oh, like you keep ignoring mine?” Zero shot back, but he hadn’t intended it to come out as sharply it did. Jude dropped the sponge into the sink and dried his hands. He left the room without saying a word. Zero dropped the dishes as well. He knew he was getting worked up for no reason and he might have been at fault, but he did stand by his point.

Jude had a tendency to override all of his decisions. Sometimes it was a good thing. Everyone needed someone saying no to them every once in a while. But Zero didn’t see any reason to not sometimes give nice things to their kids. They had the money and they were good kids! And Zero liked to get nice things for himself and he was all about being equal. It was exhausting to get the ‘because I say so’ treatment all the time. Especially since this wasn’t a working relationship. Marriage was supposed to be about compromises – and it had been. Just not so much lately. 

Zero turned to the calendar hanging on the wall by the doorway. Alyssa’s 15th birthday was coming up soon. She wanted to have an elegant, sea-themed party. Zero wasn’t quite sure of what that meant, and he had not asked. What he knew was that Alyssa was hoping for a spectacle. Zero had wanted to agree to that, but he had gone with Jude’s maximum of 30 guest policy. He and Alyssa were both show-offs. It wasn’t a bad thing, Zero thought. It had worked out for him so far.

Zero drew another little heart next to Alyssa’s name and couldn’t help but laugh a little, when he heard her voice from the kitchen.  
“WHATEVER!” Alyssa yelled and next thing Zero heard was a door slamming shut. She had a temper; Zero gave her that much. Sometimes it amazed him how alike they were, even though Alyssa was adopted. 

Zero returned to the dining room, interested in what had happened.

“You heard the hurricane Alyssa?” Elias asked, smirking. Zero just raised his brows at that, not bothering to answer. 

Elias’ smirk died down. He looked down at the table and bit his lip. Zero could see that something bothered him. Time for some dad-son talk. Zero pulled out a chair for himself and sat down across from Elias. Elias was gazing at the walls, clearly avoiding eye contact. Zero decided to give him a moment and he stayed quiet for a bit. 

Sometimes Zero wondered when Elias had grown up. He had glasses now, he had gotten them few months ago. Elias had dark curly hair. Zero did not like the way he kept letting it grow long, but it wasn’t his place to say anything about it. He had once heard Elias saying that girls liked it and that was a terrifying thought. Elias had never had a girlfriend that Zero knew of, but he was sure that Elias had had one before. 

They had adopted Elias when he was 8 years old. He had been stuck in the foster care system all his life. Elias had had horrible teeth problems, and he had been skinny as a bean stick when Zero saw him for the first time. They had meant to adopt another girl, who was preferably younger than Alyssa, who they had adopted when she was three. Alyssa had had a struggle getting used to having an older brother at first. It had taken a long time for them to bond as a family, but now the kids were thick as thieves.

“It was supposed to be a joke you know. Like I didn’t mean to get dad to get angry at you,” Elias said, eyes still wandering. Zero brushed it off with a huff. 

Elias was visibly biting his lip again. He wasn’t usually like this. Something seemed to really bug him. Zero decided that it would be best to be direct with it. He had no trouble being straight with the kids. Jude was a different story. Elias didn’t look very pleased with this approach. He shrugged at first, but then took a deep breath and spoke up.

“Is everything fine with dad? He’s been acting like uh-,” Elias started and focused his eyes on something behind Zero; “I don’t know, he’s just different than usually. Can’t take a joke.”

Zero almost asked had Jude ever been able to take a joke, but he bit it back. He wouldn’t bad mouth in front of the kids. But he wasn’t sure what to answer. He had been wondering about the same thing. Hadn’t said anything about it. Hadn’t asked about it. Which now seemed like a foolish thing, since he definitely should know if Jude wasn’t feeling good or if there was something going on with him.

Zero didn’t have time to answer, because Elias started to spill out his feelings.

“I know that you don’t see each other that much anymore because you don’t work together, but like it’s been months since you quit. And he’s been saying weird shi- uh stuff, to me lately. Like nothing bad, but just weird. And I talked with Ally and she agreed, but like uh, like I donno. And one day I heard Lionel saying that dad should pull it together, but it might have been a work thing, but you know I don’t know honestly. And Ally said that dad told her not to get her hopes up about visiting grandma, so is she like, uh, sick or something?” Elias rambled and kept pulling his hoodie zipper up and down. He was clearly feeling nervous to talk about this.

“Your grandmother’s fine, don’t worry,” Zero reassured. Jude’s mom had been spamming Zero on Facebook with game requests. She was okay. To the other things Zero didn’t have any answers to. Had Jude really been acting that weird? Or maybe Elias was just being nervous over nothing. Zero wasn’t sure.

Jude had been kind of distant, but Zero wasn’t sure was it because of something that he had said or done. Might have been. Might have not. Zero often did things that Jude found disrespecting or rude and he was clueless about it until Jude said something. But Zero didn’t remember anything like that happening in the last few weeks. Except for the thing he said in the kitchen. And disappearing last night. And maybe Jude had gotten mad over the girl Zero had been talking to last night. Oh damn, he was a terrible husband.

“Look, kid. Sometimes work gets really intense and it gets you all worked up. But that’s not something you or Ally need to worry about, okay?” Zero said, trying to smile compassionately, but not too much.

Elias didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t say anything further. He just nodded and excused himself from the table. Zero felt stressed.  
Could he have done something? All his actions from the past months rolled in his mind. He had been behaving really well. No run-ins with reporters or shady photos leaking. He hadn’t been cooking up any drama, even though Derek had been testing on his nerves few times. Zero had even went through a whole weekend with Jelena without flirting or fighting with her at the charity event they had hosted. It had been a bad gig to take. And he hadn’t bought anything big without consulting Jude. Zero had been only bit of an asshole to some people.

Zero knew he was no angel. Never had been and probably would never become one. But he hadn’t tried to play one. He was honest and never lied to Jude. Sure, he sometimes chose not to mention some things, but so did Jude and it wasn’t a big deal if it didn’t really affect Jude or the kids. Even if he was a bit self-centered, he still put family first. Always. No questions about that.

There wasn’t much of a choice now. Zero had to talk to Jude. Really get into what was going on inside of his head. If he wouldn’t do it, then Elias and Alyssa definitely would. Zero had to have guts to bring up unpleasant things. He got up and walked towards Jude’s office. Jude always went there to sulk.

Knocking on the door felt hard. Jude was sitting on his leather chair and scribbling something when Zero walked in. He sat on the couch and leaned to his knees. He tried to swallow his nervousness. The things that Jude could possibly say terrified Zero. He was pretty sure that whatever bothered Jude was his fault. He wasn’t going to voice that though.

“I think we need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I try to publish new chapters at least twice a week. Please leave a comment, because they absolutely make my day and motivate me so much to write more <3
> 
> Also: I'm sorry for all the grammar mistakes I make. English is not my first language, but I try my best


	3. Call Your Hubby

“Talk about what?” Jude asked. He tried really hard not to give out how terrified he was. Nothing good ever came after that statement.

Jude closed the notebook he had been writing in and put it on some paper pile. He pushed the chair back, trying to look a bit more casual than he felt. Zero looked straight into Jude’s eyes. It felt a bit intimidating. Too intimate.

“What’s going on with you? Is there something I should know about, Jude?” Zero asked, in a compassionate voice.

Jude wasn’t sure how to answer to that. He hadn’t prepared for this. Usually after they had a quarrel, they just let it be and would act like it never happened. Jude was more comfortable with suppressing things rather than confronting them. Had always been.

“Nothing. Why?” Jude answered. Zero didn’t look satisfied. He huffed loudly and tilted his head. Jude turned his head away. He didn’t want to talk about it.

He felt bad. He had wanted to talk. But not like this. In the perfect scenario Zero would have said or done something that would give Jude a solid reason to snap and pour it all out. It was easier to be straight about the things he felt in the moment. Trying to be honest was hard when lying was easier. Or technically he wasn’t lying, just tiptoeing around the question.

Jude was sorry about walking out on Zero earlier. It hadn’t been mature. Zero was right. Jude tended to make decisions without asking for Zero’s opinion and he did overrule him sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. Jude didn’t like the fact that he did it and quite frankly he couldn’t stop doing it. He was controlling, even rigid sometimes. It wasn’t a positive quality. Jude had started to see more and more of his father in the way he behaved, and he hated it.

“I want to be able to help. You need to talk to me,” Zero said. His soft tone squeezed Jude’s heart.

“Sure, yeah.”

Zero’s face turned cold. He looked at his hands, no longer trying to make eye-contact with Jude. Disappointment was all that Jude could see. It twisted his stomach.

“Elias’s worried about you. And so is Ally,” Zero said.

Jude shrugged at that. It was mostly so he could ease up a little. His whole body was tense.

Zero looked up at Jude, as if asking was that all he got to said. Jude stayed quiet.

Fighting back the emotions was hard but getting them out felt even harder. He had no idea how to word what he felt. Especially since he was pretty fine at the moment. Jude was annoyed that Zero hadn’t talked with him the night before. In that moment Jude would have been able to get it all out. He had been in the edge of an old fashioned break down, but the moment had passed. This didn’t feel like the time to work through it all.

“Jude?” Zero asked and stood up, he walked behind Jude. He put his hands on Jude’s shoulders and lightly massaged them. The touch felt burning hot and Jude couldn’t say why. He brushed off Zero’s hands. Jude heard Zero taking steps beck. Tension was building up.

Jude closed his eyes. There was a lump in his throat. Why was it so hard to open up? It hadn’t used to be. Or maybe it had been. Jude wasn’t sure. Had they ever been able to talk about everything? Maybe. Maybe not. It didn’t really matter. Communication issues weren’t foreign to Jude. All his life had been a communication error. Realizing that hadn’t felt great.

Jude was scared. Terrified even. He wasn’t sure what he was afraid of. He hadn’t done anything. Why to be worked up over things that technically were okay and allowed? Jude knew why. Quilt was aching his mind. Not the greatest feeling in the world. There were many things that should have gone undone, but there was no taking those back.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier, okay? And for promising Alyssa that she can do that stupid interview. And for disappearing at the party,” Zero said. Jude didn’t know should he just stay quiet or tell Zero that it was all okay. It wasn’t, but that wasn’t Zero’s fault. Not really.

Zero huffed. He walked to the other side of the table and sat down. Zero moved his head to the same direction with Jude’s, probably to establish eye-contact. Jude found that stressful. He didn’t want to look directly at Zero. That felt too tough. Like a sore spot.

“I love you, Jude. I’m here for you, but you gotta talk to me in order for me to help.”

Jude could hear from Zero’s voice how he was losing patience. Jude understood it. It annoyed him, but he couldn’t blame Zero. Talking to brick walls wasn’t easy. Jude knew that from personal experience. He didn’t mean to frustrate anyone. He just couldn’t help it. Or he could, but right now he didn’t want to.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Jude dead panned. He wasn’t in a mood for this chat. The conversation going on would just make him lie and he had been doing enough of that lately. It wasn’t right and it was unethical but being cornered with concern sometimes made one say things that weren’t necessarily true.

Zero didn’t look pleased either. They stared at each other for a moment. Sometimes Jude wondered which one of them was worse. Jude lied; he could admit that to himself. He was neurotic and every now and then accused Zero of doing things without solid reason. Zero wasn’t an angel either though. He was a sly flirt, which wasn’t the most innocent of combinations. Jude had come to love that about him, but it was still difficult to look the other way. They both had flaws.

“You’re not fooling me. I know that something’s up. I’ve given you time to come around and tell me on your own terms. But I see you acting like someone you’re not. We have talked about this. We need honesty.”

“Oh have we?” Jude shot back. It was unnecessary. They had had many conversations about that over the course of their relationship. He was making this more complicated than it had to be, but it felt easier that way. Jude felt apprehensive. Timid. Antsy. Out of control.

“Don’t do that,” Zero said, looking away. Jude felt a pinch on his stomach. Maybe it was his conscience telling him to stop with this cat-and-mouse game. Who knew?

Jude piled up some papers from the table and put them in a file. He wasn’t sure what they were, but it didn’t matter. They were just an excuse to do something with his hands, so he didn’t have to stare at Zero. Jude mindlessly opened his briefcase and put the file in it.

“Are you going somewhere?” Zero asked, irritated.

Jude shrugged and bit the inside of his cheek. “I have some business to attend to at the arena,” he said knowing full-well that there wasn’t. There he went with the little white lies again.

“I thought you were supposed to have whole weekend off,” Zero said. Jude could hear from his voice that he didn’t believe Jude’s excuse. Zero’s glaze felt piercing and Jude had to get away from it.

“I was but you know how this is, I have to be available at all the times,” Jude said. Zero muttered something under his breath and Jude was pretty sure it was just bitching about him. Very mature.

Jude closed the briefcase and stood up. He closed top buttons of his shirt and picked a suit jacket from side table. He had left it there few days ago and forgot about it. The color wasn’t the best match with his shirt, but was tolerable for a quick excuse.

Zero didn’t say anything when Jude excused himself and walked out of the office. Getting outside the house alone felt like a stone rolled from Jude’s heart. He felt lighter. And it killed him. This was what coming home used to be like. Being able to relax. Not having to worry about people around him. Going away didn’t fix anything, but it was easier.

Jude looked at the house for one last time before getting into the car. He wasn’t willing to swallow his pride in order to go back in. No. He had to go.

***

Jude was walking towards the studio. Sitting in the office had felt dumb and lonely, so he was on his way to go to check up on Lionel. Jude had seen her car in the parking lot when he came. Talking with Lionel usually made him to realize how foolish he was being. Lionel had a lovely way of telling Jude exactly how idiotic he was being if there was a reason for such a statement.

There was noise coming from the ISN studio, but the door was open so Jude just marched in. Lionel wasn’t in there. There was just some guy that Jude didn’t recognize. Lionel had said something about a new journalist last night. Noel, maybe?

“Is Lionel around?” Jude asked and the man spun his chair around. He had a warm smile.

“She went to lunch a while ago. She’ll probably be back in a minute,” the man said and paused what ever video he had had rolling: “I can tell her you swung by if you want to.”

Jude walked up to the man, who got up from his chair to shake hands. His handshake was firm, and Jude felt a hot wave going through his body.

“Jude Kinkade,” he introduced himself.

“I know who you are, big boss” the man said with a light laugh; “I’m Noah Greene, new courtside reporter.”

Jude nodded and cleared his throat. It was suddenly really warm in there. Jude had a feeling why, but he didn’t want to think about it. Sometimes thoughts would lead to wrong paths. Wouldn’t be the first time.

Noah sat down and asked would Jude be interested in seeing some footage he was editing from the previous game. Jude didn’t have anything better to do, so he took a chair for himself and sat down as well. Noah didn’t have a ring on his finger. Upon noticing that Jude realized he wasn’t wearing one either. He had forgotten about it again. The faint tan line on his finger was there to remind him of its absence.

The video was great. Noah had collected all the high lights of the game, but had included few clips off the players doing small errors to make it seem more genuine and not so much of an ego boost for the players. Jude liked it. Noah talked about how he still needed to rerecord some voice-overs because he wasn’t satisfied with how they had turned out. Jude didn’t understand what the point was of doing that, since they were fine, but he couldn’t blame him for being a perfectionist since he was one as well.

“Why are you wandering in the arena on this fine Saturday? Trouble in paradise?” Noah asked and Jude immediately felt himself getting tense. He tried hiding it but based on Noah’s changing expression it didn’t work very well.

“I’m just teasing. Working for tabloids has got to me,” Noah continued and winked; “Some call it being nosy, but I call it a paycheck.”

Noah laughed and Jude joined in it, even if the joke had made him a little nervous. This was why he didn’t like report. Everything was on the record and could end up to the wrong person’s ears. Jude rolled a bit further away as if the physical distance would magically make him feel more relaxed. It didn’t work.

Jude and Zero had had their relationship busted open and speculated in the media ever since that kiss on the court. People joking about it wasn’t something Jude had encountered much. Usually people tried to hide the fact that they had ever even heard about the rumors that were going around. If it was something worth knowing, they would get it somewhere other than the news. Or at least so people liked to pretend.

In the past years they hadn’t been in the scandalous headlines at all. Neither of them liked the press and Zero especially was careful with the public image of theirs. Their name was what made money for them now and it couldn’t be tarnished in public. They both knew that. Jude was painfully aware of it. Stability made for a great dynasty. Media storms were the last thing they needed.

“Lionel told me that your son would do an interview here in few days. I’ve seen the previous ones he has done. Charming boy. Must run in the family,” Noah said. It was a compliment and not in anyway negative. Still Jude didn’t feel comfortable with Noah mentioning Elias. He wasn’t sure why. There was a weird lingering sensation bubbling in Jude’s stomach, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

“Yeah, she mentioned about that,” Jude answered. Noah smiled and Jude joined in that. They locked their eyes for a bit, but that was interrupted by a familiar clicking of heels.

Lionel came into the studio a take-away cup on her hand. She had a wicked smile that slightly terrified Jude. She was up to something.

“Jude you’re here, perfect! I was just about to call you,” Lionel said and sat down on the table right in front of Jude. She smiled at Noah and made a little motion with her hand to get him to leave. Noah picked up the que.

Noah gave Jude one last smile and briefly touched Jude’s arm as he got up. Jude felt flustered and he hated it. It wasn’t appropriate. Noah wished him a good day and like that he was gone. Jude took a deep breah before turning to Lionel. He hoped he didn’t look as foolish as he felt.

“What’s up?” Jude asked, ready to decline whatever Lionel was planning up.

“ISN is hosting a charity game to raise money for youth sports on Wednesday and I want you there. It’s a family event and I need you and your adorable faces to stand there, maybe throw few baskets, smile at the cameras,” Lionel explained and picked up Jude’s disapproval for the proposal, which made her continue: “It’s good press. We could do Elias’ interview there.”

Jude shook his head and that made Lionel huff. She opened her mouth dramatically and tilted her head. As if that had had any effect on Jude in the past. It hadn’t.

“You’ll get paid for that. Exclusive interview and a smiley photo of the whole family giving back to the community,” Lionel suggested, and Jude bit his lip. Lionel was right, it was good press. Especially with Alyssa’s party coming up. Them pictured in t-shirts at a public event would balance the lavish pictures that would leak from Alyssa’s party. They were aiming to look relatable and casual, because that brought in the best deals.

“Maybe,” Jude said and he knew that Lionel would consider that as a yes. Lionel’s wide smile confirmed that assumption.

“Great! Call your hubby, so he can clear his calendar!” Lionel stood up and straightened her skirt.

Jude realized that he hadn’t thought about Zero at all for the past half an hour. The dark cloud came back on him, when his thought wandered back to his home life. Jude gridded his teeth. Why did it feel so heavy to think about? Jude closed his eyes for a second to clear his mind. He got this. He could make it right. He could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I try to update this more often. And thank you again for all the lovely comments!


	4. The Article

Zero was pissed. Jude had convinced him to drag their whole family to some charity event and then he had bailed before they even got there. They had been on their way when Jude got a call about some emergency at the arena. So now Zero was stuck there alone with the kids. Being alone with the kids was fun and the event itself was nice. There were food stands, carnival games and you could try out different sports with the kids who the money raised today was going to. It was fun, but not was Zero had hoped for today.

In the previous days Zero had decided that he had to do something about the situation with Jude. He had gotten quieter by the day and Zero had a feeling that Jude was avoiding him. It was time to face the music. Zero had thought that a day of family bonding would be a great way to break ice and start a dialogue. Obviously, Jude had to do his job, but it still annoyed Zero. His plan was ruined.

Elias was giving his interview. Zero was close by making sure that everything went smoothly – and he could cut it cold if the reported asked something inappropriate or if Elias would start to slip things he wasn’t allowed to share. That sort of thing rarely happened, but you could never be too careful. Elias was doing well. Zero had sparred him for the interview earlier and asked a bunch of questions from him to make sure he wouldn’t be caught off guard. Elias hadn’t liked the part where Zero tried to snoop about his love life. Elias being embarrassed was good because that meant he wouldn’t open up to the reporter either.

“Do you think I could get the same kind of coily hair as Elias if I had a perm?” Alyssa asked in a serious voice. She was wrapping her hair around her fingers, while eyeing Elias.

“What?” Zero asked and turned to Alyssa as if he was asking was she being serious. 

“You know, so hair gets permanently really curly. But like super curly, like Elias’s hair is,” Alyssa tried to clarify. Zero knew what a perm was. He had been born in the ´80s, of course he knew what that was.

Zero shook his head; “No way, sweetheart. You are as white as me, it would look bad. Or do you think I could rock a perm?”

Alyssa shook her head in horror and dropped the subject, but not without muttering that she would murder him if he did that. Zero laughed and Alyssa rolled her eyes. She tried to look annoyed, but a small smile rose to her face as well. She was such a sweet little girl. Even if she was the most demanding and cheeky person in the world. Zero was so proud of their kids. They were strong-minded, smart and knew how to stand their ground. Some people might not see those as good characteristics, but Zero thought it made them perfect. Little warriors.

All his life Zero had spent fighting for what he wanted. He hadn’t assumed that having everything he had ever dreamed of could one day be his reality. Now that it was, he was terrified of losing it – any part of it. He had always been wary and protective, but clearly, he had gotten sloppy. Otherwise they wouldn’t be in a situation where he and Jude were now. Being uncertain about the future worried Zero. He tried not to think about it.

Zero had spent years and years of his youth denying that all he wanted was to be loved. He wanted to be loved. He craved that. There was no better feeling than knowing that someone would give up anything for you. That there would always be someone who would take care of you, pick you up when you couldn’t do it yourself. And knowing that you would do the same for that one person was amazing. Zero needed that. He needed Jude. What he needed now was to know how to get through this phase so they could go back to normal.

Even thinking about the possibility that one day Zero might not be with Jude made him feel sick. No. That could not happen. He had let down all his guards and let Jude see all those past demons he had swore no one would ever know about. They had made a home together. A safe haven. There was no way Zero could live without that. ¨

Zero had tried to figure out why Jude had been acting the way he had. He had even gone through some of Jude’s drawers and notebooks to find out what was going on. Not his proudest moment, but he wanted some answers. Only things that had came to Zero’s mind were ones that he would rather not even think about. There were some things that weren’t worth wondering beforehand. Zero was also painfully aware of the fact that he wouldn’t be able to let go of a few very specific bad thoughts if he let them go through his mind. Cheating or serious illnesses, to be exact.

Zero had to shake those images out of his head, when Elias ended his interview and walked towards him and Alyssa. He was smiling brightly, so it had probably gone well. No surprise there. Alyssa made room for Elias so he could sit next to her, but proceeded to snap a drink from Elias’s hand.

“Hey bitch! That’s mine!” Elias protested and grabbed the drink back from Alyssa, who didn’t even try to fight over the can.

“Language!” Zero reminded and Elias was quick to apologize. Not to Alyssa, but to Zero. That was good enough, since Alyssa had been the one to provoke. Zero saw no good in turning every brawl into a life lesson. His sister and foster siblings had been dicks to him in his childhood and he had turned out fine. Obviously bullying was another thing, but teasing was okay.

Zero gave a 10 dollar note to Alyssa and told her to get drinks for them. She was glad to get up and Zero knew he wouldn’t be getting the change back. Not that it really mattered, but still.

“How was it? Any surprises?” Zero asked from Elias, who was still looking blissful.

“Nah, just questions about the games and which university I want to play for. Nothing special,” Elias said and shrugged.

“University? Why they asked about that?”

“I’ll be a senior in the fall. I have to choose soon,” Elias reminded. He was stating the obvious, but it still came as a shocking reminder to Zero. He was getting so old. Jesus. Hopefully Elias would stay in LA. Zero wasn’t ready to let him move further away. He was still a kid.

“For that you have to do your homework every once in a while,” Zero reminded and Elias rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Elias looked like he was about to say something, but he didn’t have the time before a voice called his name somewhere behind Zero.

“Yo, Eli! What’s up, man. Didn’t know you were gonna be here as well!” Miguel jogged to their table and sat down next to Elias. The boys started to chat something about their school, but Zero wasn’t listening.

Jelena was walking to them as well. She was wearing a tight white dress and Zero couldn’t help but to scan her body up and down. Zero hadn’t been into Jelena for ages, but he could appreciate a beautiful body when he saw one. And he would be lying if he said that Jelena didn’t look like every dream that he had had since the age of eleven.

They had had a weird relationship in the past years. Zero did consider Jelena as his friend and they met almost weekly, but there had always been something odd between them. It wasn’t anything romantic or sexual. It might have been just the fact that they had unusual history together. Whatever it was, Zero didn’t really care. Jelena was one of the only people that shared the same passion for power that Zero did. Obviously, Jude did as well, but he wasn’t as ruthless and ferocious as Jelena. That was what Zero liked about her. She was a savage.

Zero got up to greet her. He walked a bit further from the table. The kids didn’t need to hear how they bitched to each other. Zero and Jelena shared a tight hug when she got to him.

“So, the evil queen of LA is still alive,” Zero muttered to Jelena’s ear before breaking the hug. Jelena smiled sweetly and looked Zero right into the eyes.

“You try to be so clever and keep failing every single time. I just have to admire your persistence,” Jelena answered, smile still clued to her face. Zero liked their bickering. No one else understood it, but that was fine.

Zero had bonded again with Jelena after adopting Elias. He was the same age with Miguel and the boys got along well. They respected each other enough to be able to leave the past to be. Zero might be a spiteful person, but he’s goal wasn’t to be bitter. The hatchet had been buried ages ago. Jude was still a bit skeptical of their friendship. It didn’t matter too much, because Zero wasn’t biggest fan of Lionel either. They were adults and could have friends of their own.

“Dad! Can I go eat with Mig?” Elias shouted from the table. Zero didn’t have a change to answer before Alyssa chimed in.

“Can I go with them?” Alyssa asked. She had gotten her drink and a bag of chips from some stand. She leaned to the table the boys were sat at and offered some of the chips to Miguel.

Zero nodded and looked at Jelena who told Miguel that he could go. Elias agreed to take Alyssa with them if she wouldn’t ‘be annoying’. And just like that, they were gone.

Zero turned to Jelena: “Okay so, Chinese or Italian?”

“Greek,” Jelena answered. Fair enough. Zero didn’t really care what they’d eat. Jelena had a tendency to make Zero a complete push-over.

They walked out of the venue. There was some reporter with cameras on the other side of the street, and they decided to choose a bit longer path to the restaurant. It was only a block away, so it was okay. Zero didn’t mind walking around.

The day hadn’t gone at all like Zero had planned, but it had turned out fine. Maybe things tended to work to work out on their own.

***

“What the hell is this?” Jude’s loud voice woke Zero up. Jude went to pull open the curtains and sunlight lit the whole room. 

Zero rubbed his eyes. He rolled to his back on the bed. Was it morning already? Zero felt like he had just gotten to the bed. He had gone to sleep alone.

Jude threw their tablet on the bed next to Zero. He looked furious. 

“What?” Zero mumbled. There was no point trying to read anything from the tablet’s screen since his eyes were still getting used to the light. 

Jude crossed his arms. His face looked stony. Something was wrong. Zero woke up quickly. He took the tablet and turned down the brightness. It hurt his eyes, but Zero had a feeling that it was the smallest one of his problems. And that was confirmed to him the second he read the headline of the article Jude had had open. 

‘TROUBLE IN PARADISE? Zero Kinkade cozied up with ex-bae’

Oh Jesus. Zero couldn’t help but roll his eyes before scrolling down to read the rest of the article. 

‘Former basketball player Zero Kinkade was spotted with ex-girlfriend Jelena Howard at a charity event on

Wednesday. Kinkade and Howard were pictured embracing and sharing warm hugs out in public. 

Kinkade is currently married to his FORMER BOSS JUDE KINKADE and they have two adopted children together. Rumors of a possible split between the love birds spread after both have been spotted without their wedding bands on multiple occasions. Kinkades have not confirmed or commented on the rumors. 

Kinkade and Howard were seen enjoying a lunch together after a warm and fuzzy moment of mutual embrace. Both Kinkade and Howard avoided cameras and left together from the event. Read more about their relationship from here!”

The article continued, but Zero didn’t see the point of reading any further. There were multiple pictures of Zero and Jelena in it. Zero had to admit that it looked bad. One picture was taken on the exact moment when Zero whispered into Jelena’s ear and she smiled. It looked as if he was giving her a kiss on the cheek or neck. Not best looks on a married man. There were few pictures of their lunch and them getting into a car together. 

The journalists had clearly left out all the pictures where the kids where with them. They had been right next to them when they hugged and all five of them got into the same car. In one photo you could see Alyssa’s back, but one would not be able to recognize her without knowing what she had worn that day. Zero had to admit that the way it looked was not great. 

“Look I was with the kids whole day. We crashed into Jelena and Miguel. Kids wanted to eat on their own, so I had lunch with Jelena. Then she drove us back here, because you had our car. End of story,” Zero deadpanned. He wasn’t pleased with the way Jude seemed to be accusing him of doing something wrong.

Jude took the tablet and read aloud: “ _Rumors of a possible split. Embracing with ex-girlfriend_. Do you have any idea how this makes _me_ look?” Jude flipped the tablet to face Zero and zoomed on one of the pictures of Zero and Jelena walking together: “Did you really have to hold her hand? What were you thinking?”

Zero didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been walking hand in hand with Jelena, even though the picture did look like they had just let go of each other’s hands. Zero had a tickling feeling that rationality wasn’t going to make him win this argument.

“I’m sorry that it looks bad, but that is not what it looks like,” Zero defended himself.

“Said every cheater ever,” Jude shot back and threw the tablet back on to the bed. He crossed his arms and looked Zero dead into his eyes. In that moment Zero realized that Jude was still wearing the same clothes he had had on the day before. Jude didn’t look very tired or weary. Something pinched Zero’s stomach.

“Look who’s talking.”

“What do you mean?” Jude asked, looking startled. He took a small step back and looked away from Zero. Oh no. _No way_.

“Where did you sleep over, Jude?” Zero knew he didn’t need to turn this into a big fight. But he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday’s disappointment combined with that ridiculous allegation made Zero’s blood boil.

Jude looked confused and surprised. He scratched his cheek before answering: “In the quest room, I didn’t want to -,” Zero didn’t let Jude finish.

“In yesterday’s clothes? Without your ring? You really have the audacity to come at me with some tabloid article when _you_ are the one whose hand are dirty!” Zero got up from the bed. He didn’t really know why.

Jude didn’t make eye contact and that made Zero even more angry. Could Jude really be cheating on him? Zero hadn’t really meant that. It had supposed to be a lazy talk-back. Zero had a hollow feeling in him and he didn’t know how to handle it.

“You keep avoiding me. You leave to the arena at odd times. You’re quiet and more neurotic than ever. What’s going on?”

“Now I’m neurotic?” Jude asked. His voice was getting heated as well.

Zero didn’t answer to that. He knew that nothing good would come from that and he wasn’t going to make a bigger fool of himself. Jude looked pissed and secretly that made Zero happy. Or not happy, but he was glad that he wasn’t the only one who got mad. Usually it was just Zero going off, but that had changed in the last months. Jude had been worked up over little things earlier as well. Now Zero was wondering was it because Jude was hiding his own dirt.

Zero took a deep breath. He was better than this.

“I’ll just contact the journalist and give a statement. It’ll be fine, Jude,” Zero assured. He tried to sound calm, but Zero had a feeling it just came across as cold. Even though that was better than giving out how furious he actually felt.

Zero took the tablet and scrolled to the end of the article. He clicked the journalist’s name, but the information page was useless.

“It’s an alias. Probably some jerk that just happened to be there to snap the photos and sold them for easy money,” Zero guessed and handed the tablet to Jude, who had given his hand out.

Whatever. Contacting reporters never fixed anything anyway. It didn’t matter.

Jude’s face went suddenly white. He mumbled something under his breath before turning around on his heels. Zero stopped him before Jude had time to leave.

“What? You’re just gonna go like that?” Zero asked, unpleased.

Jude looked uncomfortable. He shrugged and bit his lip. If they weren’t in between a fight, Zero would have thought Jude looked really cute right now. And he did.

“I think I know who wrote that article,” Jude said. He cleared his throat and looked Zero into the eyes again: “I’ll fix it.”

This time Zero let Jude go. What just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya babies. Honestly I've just been busy watching tiktoks and being depressed so it took me forever to finish this chapter. I try to get the next one published quicker, but no promises. I hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> (And if you're wondering what the heck is up with Jude: You'll get answers soon)


	5. Cheat Day

There are three kind of liars. First type are the straight-forward ones. They lie, get caught, confess, life goes on. Second type of liars are those who lie more or twist their story to save themselves from humiliation after getting called out. Third type are the not-liars. Those who don’t say anything in the first place and convince themselves that actually, there’s nothing that they would even need to lie about, while consciously hiding the truth. Jude was painfully aware of which one he was. 

Jude had always had a bit crooked moral. It wasn’t a secret per se, but he didn’t like people knowing it. In the business world it was more common than not to lean to the unorthodox methods every once in a while. The trick was to hide it well enough from the public. And if someone did find out, one should have a back-up story to appear as a good-willed person. Image was everything. Jude knew that much. 

Having a good image went a long way. If people thought well of you, they weren’t suspicious. And if someone had full confidence in you, they wouldn’t stop to doubt and would turn a blind eye to a bunch of stuff put of pure respect. Using that respect and trust was easy. Too easy, even. Was it right though? Absolutely not. Unfortunately doing sketchy things sometimes started to get on one’s conscience. Jude felt the full weight of quilt on his shoulders now. It was his own fault, which made it ten times worse.

There were many things Jude had left unsaid. Some of them were little things that weren’t worth mentioning. And then there were the things that could ruin everything he had. Those Jude tried to ignore. He tried so hard not to acknowledge them. It wasn’t working very well anymore. Jude had been fine with the little white lies and silence for months. But now there was beginning to be too much to hide. Especially that kind of secrets that could break his family. Jude didn’t like thinking about it.

The first time had been almost a year ago. Jude had been at a board member’s retirement party. He hadn’t known anyone from there well enough to be comfortable and being around the board members made him a bit stiff. Somehow, he had ended up sitting with some office temp who was just old enough to drink the champagne. Jude had had fun. They talked for hours and Jude had happily listened to useless agency gossip even though he understood none of it. It had been great. 

Jude had been about to leave the party when the temp had stopped him at a quiet hallway. It had all happened so fast. The man had pressed his body against Jude’s and the passion in that moment made Jude feel flustered still a year after. The things he whispered into Jude’s ear had made Jude’s heart beat like a drum. And that was all that had happened. Jude wasn’t sure how he broke the moment, but next thing he remembered was sitting in his car, panting. 

It had been the first and last time Jude saw that guy. Which was probably only a good thing. There had been many incidents like that with other men afterwards. Jude would have fun, maybe too much fun. Then it would turn into flirting. Brief touches. Dirty jokes that made Jude’s heart skip beats. Touches that lit Jude’s body on fire. Once the situation escalated Jude would back off. Say no. Leave and go home, where he would think of all the things that could have happened.

Jude wasn’t sure why he had been doing the things that he had. It wasn’t just about sex. The feeling of being in control of the situation made him feel great. Powerful. Knowing that someone graved him and Jude had all power to decide what would happen. At home he didn’t have that. His homelife wasn’t something he could just play with. Some might have called that power tripping, but that wasn’t all it was. Jude needed something. The lack of touches and passion and trust and euphoria and love was killing him.

The turning point had been just few weeks ago, maybe a month. Jude had met up with a man called David who worked at one of the clubs the Devils sometimes used for their parties. They had been having drinks at an empty club and everything had gone like it always did. Until it hadn’t. David had kissed Jude. He hadn’t expected it and it took Jude too long to break the kiss. And what was even worse was that Jude hadn’t wanted to, but he knew that he had to.

The kiss itself hadn’t caused quilt to start crippling into Jude’s mind. No, that he might have been okay with if he had had a chance to process it in peace. Instead he had came home to Zero, who had been in an amazing mood. Zero had been distant and cranky, but for some reason on that day he had been on cloud nine. They had had dinner alone, just the two of them. Zero had been more physical than he had been in the three previous months combined. Jude had had to turn Zero down. It had clearly hurt Zero, but Jude just couldn’t. Jude had felt dirty. 

Some way, somehow Jude had been able to tell himself that what he had been doing with other men was justified with the fact that technically he hadn’t been cheating. Even though he knew full well that he would have flipped if Zero had been acting with someone like that. It wasn’t okay. But what was even worse was that Jude was doing it again.

Jude had been hanging out with Noah a lot in the past few days. Like last night. Jude had actually been called to the arena on a job-related issue. A secretary had been caught with documents she definitely hadn’t been cleared to handle. It was fairly quick thing to sort out, but Jude had stuck around. He had ended up laying in the ISN studio’s couch, joking around with Noah. They had ended up going to Noah’s apartment. Jude had fallen asleep at Noah’s and woken up to see that stupid article. 

Now Jude had a bad feeling that Noah had something to do with the article. Noah was nosy. He kept asking personal questions and often referred to rumors that were circling around. And Jude had answered to some of the questions. He might have told Noah that things weren’t going great between him and Zero. Jude had realized that the headline said the same exact thing that Noah had said to him the first time they met. Trouble in paradise was a common phrase for sure, but still. Jude didn’t like this feeling that he had.

Jude knocked on Noah’s door. It felt odd to be here again. Jude had left only an hour ago. Worst thing was that he had kind of snuck out before Noah woke up. Jude blamed the early hour for that.

Noah answered the door quickly. He was wearing t-shirt and sweatpants. Jude felt dumb in his yesterday’s clothes. He definitely should have changed before leaving. He had stormed out of their home in the spur of moment and he hadn’t thought rationally. 

“Good morning, Jude. Did you forget something?” Noah asked. Jude didn’t like the smirk he had on his face. It was irritating.

Jude didn’t wait for Noah to invite him in. He just walked right past Noah and turned around only after hearing the door close. On that same second Jude realized that he had absolutely no game plan. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say or more importantly how he would say it. Losing your cool over a gut feeling screamed that whatever the article was impaling was true. Granted there was some truth to the troubles they had, but Jude didn’t need Noah thinking that Zero was cheating on him.

Being short and straight would probably be Jude’s best bet if he wanted to get through this discussion with dignity. Overthinking would make him appear as nervous and Jude didn’t want that.

“There was this article speculating about my relationship with Zero with some pictures of him and his ex. Do you know anything about it?” Jude asked.

Noah sat down on the armchair he had in his living room and seemed to listen closely what Jude said. He leaned forwards and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“I don’t know about that, but before you ask, yes I did see the article. And no, I haven’t talked to anyone about the things you’ve told me,” Noah said calmly. He had an empathetic look on his face in.

Jude wasn’t sure was he buying that. “I’m not accusing, I’m asking. I need to know that the people near me are solid. I can’t have the inner circle leaking”

“So, am I in the inner circle? Oh, it’s all so sudden,” Noah laughed. He smirked at Jude but sobered down quickly. Probably because of Jude’s cold face. He wasn’t in a mood to joke.

“I have told you things I perhaps shouldn’t have, because like you said, I’ve known you just for few days. But this is about my family. My kids are going to see that article and have their friends ask about it. I can’t have that. I can’t,” Jude deadpanned and sat down as well: “It’s dangerous to get to know people in a position like mine.”

Jude cleared his throat. He wasn’t feeling comfortable at all. He had probably said too much again. It wasn’t the smartest thing to open up like this. 

“It was all hearsay in the article. That’s how tabloids work. Fool the public thinking that they are telling a real story when they are not. Then when it comes to be the reality that people believe in, it makes everyone involved to doubt. And that doubt makes you overthink, and that overthinking creates a problem,” Noah told. There was some truth to that. Rumors forced you to think and talk about things you’d rather not even think about. 

Sometimes doubt was all that was needed to destroy someone. Jude was worried for their family’s image. That was how they made money. Jude wasn’t sure should he be worried that money was the first thing that came into his mind, but he wasn’t willing to go down that rabbit hole right now.

“What I recommend is to get ahead of the story while it’s just whispers and a small article. Make a statement by appearing as solid. Joke about how your rings no longer fit or how you don’t need them to show your devotion or something like that. That way every time there’s speculation about missing rings there’s always going to be a fan in the comments repeating your words. People like you two together,” Noah said. There might have been a hint of bitterness in his voice, but Jude wasn’t going to jump on that. 

Noah had a good point. The story hadn’t broken yet and the media storm wasn’t even near to starting up. What they needed to do was to secure their place in the people’s hearts. When you have the love of the people, you had everything. Jude knew that he had made many mistakes, but it could be fixed. Even though he had definitely overreacted earlier, he could still fix it.

Jude wasn’t sure why he had gotten so heated after seeing that article. Maybe it was because Jude knew that he didn’t have the moral up ground, so throwing out accusations before getting caught was the easy way out. In a way Jude had hoped that Zero would have admitted to having done something. Anything. That would have given Jude some wiggle room away from the quilt he was carrying. Or maybe not. 

What they really needed, as a couple, was to sort out what the hell was actually going on between them. Although Jude wasn’t really sure how to. Or was he even willing to try. They had had troubles for a long time and all effort he had tried to put in to fixing things had been wasted. Maybe he was getting cynical, but whatever this this rough road they had chosen was, it was getting a bit too hard to walk together. Thinking about that made Jude hurt all over. So he didn’t.

“What would you do if you were me?” Jude asked Noah, not really knowing why. He usually only asked for outside perspective from Lionel.

Noah didn’t answer straight away. He took his time, while measuring Jude with his eyes. Or at least it felt like that.

“Keep low-profile, just go on like it never happened. But I’d try to get seen together with my partner a bit more – and together as a couple, not only together. Just to cut the wings from the rumors,” Noah recommended. 

Jude nodded. He didn’t really have anything to comment on that. 

“Are you staying or leaving?” Noah asked after a moment of silence. Jude swallowed the small voice in his voice telling him to go.

“Staying.” 

Noah smiled and got up. He straightened his shirt and Jude got a glimpse of Noah’s stomach. Jude looked the other way. If he stopped what he had been doing earlier, the quilt could go away. He had to stop in order to get his head sorted out. He didn’t want to tiptoe around his feelings anymore.

“Eggs or bacon?” Noah asked.

“I thought you were supposed to be into fitness?” Jude commented, and instantly regretted it. Noah had never said that. Jude had just assumed it from the way he looked.

Noah laughed and Jude was pretty sure he was grinning: “Only on workdays. It’s a cheat day today.”

Cheat day indeed, Jude thought. No. NO. He needed to keep it together. 

Jude had been feeling so nervous in the past weeks. He had been a wreck. Being afraid of losing everything apparently wasn’t very good for one’s psyche. Jude’s mind wandered back to the deep waters he had been in after the last weeks charity ball. He didn’t want to go back there. He had been so scared that day. Horrified by the thought of their relationship collapsing.

If Jude would stop meeting other men, and if he kept his had down, maybe everything would click back to the right tracks. Of course he would have to do a bit more than that to keep Zero. They needed to have a serious conversation. Which Jude definitely did not want to have and just thinking about it, he knew he’d probably just flee whenever he was getting confronted. Jude would work on that. Maybe.

Noah was humming while cooking and Jude walked to the kitchen island. Noah told him to sit down. They weren’t chatting much. Noah cooked and Jude studied what he did. It felt nice. Easy. Relaxing. Jude liked this calm feeling he had inside of him, when he was near Noah. Away from home. Jude chose to ignore that thought. He could just have this nice moment and feel okay. He wasn’t hurting anyone by being here. 

It was just another breakfast, nothing wrong with that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello babycakes! I'm doing good and vibing with serotonine. I have apparently decided that the end notes are my personal diary and I'm sorry bout that lol. Hope you all are okay in this whacky situation we are in together.
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter! Tell me what you thought <3


	6. I Swear

Zero was getting antsy. Hours had passed since Jude had left. The whole morning had been bad and this anxious feeling in the back of Zero’s mind was getting bigger by the minute. He didn’t understand it. All he knew was that something wasn’t right. He couldn’t just place what it was.

Their heated discussion from the morning was going on through his head over and over again. Zero couldn’t stop it from rolling back even though he had done his best to push it back. It went in waves. He would be okay and then seconds later all he could see and hear was the look on Jude’s face when Zero had confronted him. That small, nervous step back and eyes scanning the walls. It hadn’t felt right.

Zero trusted Jude. Always had. Zero would have done anything for that man. _His_ man. That hadn’t changed. Yet. Zero didn’t know what to think about this whole thing. He tried not to. That was kind of his style. Ignoring things. That was probably why Jude ha-, no. No. Zero wasn’t going to go there just yet. They would have a proper, adult conversation about this before Zero would jump into any conclusions. Or that was the goal. Zero was awfully familiar with his own temper. It probably couldn’t handle that. He was ready to throw hands if he heard something upsetting.

“Uh, Dad?” Alyssa asked in a weak voice from behind Zero.

Zero had been avoiding the kids. He hadn’t been running away from them, but he had purposely tried to not to cross paths with them. Big house with many doors made it fairly easy. Zero hadn’t wanted to talk about the article with them. He was afraid that he would either explode with rage or break down in front of them. Neither of which he wanted anyone to see.

“Yeah sweetheart?” Zero asked.

“Lindsey’s here,” Alyssa said and waved her hand to the direction of the living room; “I let her in. Is that okay?”

Oh damn. Lindsey was their party planner. She had been planning and organizing all their parties for years. They had to go through the last details for Alyssa’s party. It was just in few days. Zero had completely forgotten about it. And so had Jude, apparently.

“Of course, it is,” Zero assured and got up from the sun bed he had been laying at; “Did she bring your dress?”

Alyssa’s face lit up: “Yeah. I love it. It’s really nice.”

“That’s great sweetie,” Zero said. With a price tag that insane she’d better be absolutely swoon by it. But Zero wasn’t going to say that aloud.

Lindsey had her binders laid open on the table and the garment bag was hanging on the door. She had a smile, warm smile on her face as she asked them to sit down.

“Just us then?” She asked, sounding like she wasn’t really waiting for anyone to answer to that. Alyssa had probably already told her that it would be just the two of them.

“Okay so I have the menu here. And here is the color palette for the decorations and a few pictures,” Lindsey said and offered papers to both Zero and Alyssa: “I talked on the phone with Jude and he talked about 30 guests. How many more will be there? No lies now.”

Zero wanted to cringe, but he couldn’t do that now. Jude would definitely bring this up the next time they would argue. And based on everything that was happening it would be soon. Zero had gather everything that he had in him not to grind his teeth. There were many things he didn’t want to think about at the moment.’

“Forty-five,” Alyssa said and turned to Zero to whisper; “Sorry dad.”

As if Zero cared. She could have a bash of hundred people if that was for Zero to decide. He didn’t really care to be honest. Special days were meant to be special. Zero had never fully understood why Jude was so stuck up with giving the kids things that they wanted. Obviously he wasn’t going to buy Alyssa a pony every time she asked for one, but Zero saw no damage done in full willing a wish every then and now. But Jude liked tight leashes. With everyone.

They went through details for the party. Who would be delivering things, what companies were used, who would be greeting the guests and a bunch of other stuff. Most things went over Zero’s head and his thoughts wondered away to the fight he had had with Jude. It felt wrong to have a meeting like this without him. Jude always wanted to be present and give his opinions. Zero kept waiting for that ‘no that’s not right’ -that Jude kept saying all the time.

Zero sensed that Jude’s disappearing stunt bothered Alyssa as well. She wasn’t as fiery as usual and kept staring at her hands. Zero felt bad for avoiding her earlier. It was selfish. Alyssa had probably seen the article and even though she knew that the things said in it were all lies it must have confused her Zero wondered had she heard him and Jude fighting in the morning. Her bedroom was in different floor, but Zero had a feeling that their argument had been rather loud.

Lindsey asked a lot of questions which Zero didn’t know the answers to. Some were about the budget and some about the logistics and such. It was always Jude who walked through those with Lindsey and Zero focused on siding with the kids or zoned out of the conversations. It was almost embarrassing how many times Zero had had to play his lack of knowledge off as a joke. Fortunately, Lindsey got the hint and didn’t try to press too much. The most important thing was for Alyssa to be happy and if Zero had to apologize to Jude for going over budget or allowing something that Jude didn’t approve then so be it.

Alyssa had relaxed as the meeting had gone on and her stiffness had melted away. It made Zero feel more peaceful as well. Nothing worse than stressing on the behalf of his kids. Alyssa had been over the mood by the time Lindsey told her to go to try on her dress to make sure it was as it should. She had yet to come back and show it, but knowing Alyssa she would take her sweet time.

They were about to wrap up when Jude stumbled into the room. He looked confused at first, but then he looked mortified.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry are-, uh what time is it?” Jude asked and looked at his wrist. He wasn’t wearing a watch, Zero noticed. Jude always had a watch. Weird.

“It’s fine. Just in time for a little fashion show,” Lindsey laughed half-heartedly and put down the binder she had been about to tidy away: “Do you want to go through these?” She asked from Jude.

“No, it’s okay. Did you sort out everything already?” Jude asked and sat down on to the couch next to Zero.

Zero tensed a bit. Jude was very close to him. Their shoulders brushed against each other and Zero realized he hadn’t been that close to Jude for days. The accusations from the earlier were quick to ring back to his mind. This wasn’t the time and the place for that.

“We did, we did. It was just to fix a few details, so everything is sorted. Ready to go, even!” Lindsey exclaimed and went back to gathering her material.

Jude kept chatting with Lindsey and they talked briefly about the schedule for Saturday. Zero couldn’t stay focused on that. His breathing was getting heavy and he had to control it not to sound off. He swallowed hard. It wouldn’t be long until he would have to face Jude. Really face him. Zero felt his stomach bubbling with something bitter. Dark.

Zero hadn’t thought about what he wanted to ask or how he wanted to do it. He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. Anxiety was the only feeling that he could single out. It was odd. He was usually so good at sorting out his emotions. Labeling them and boxing away. But not now. This was different somehow. There was something unusual about everything. Zero hated it. Feeling powerless was awful.

Before Zero had time to work through anything at all, Lindsey was gone. It was just the two of them now. Zero hoped that Jude would be the one to break the ice. They sat in silence for a bit. Then Zero couldn’t hold it in anymore. It just burped out.

“Are you cheating on me?”

Zero saw how Jude tensed. Seeing that felt like an arrow shooting through Zero’s body. No. Please. No. He had to press his eyes close for a second. Overwhelming cold wave brushed over him. No. Zero knew now how he was feeling. Being terrified was almost too easy to recognize.

“I’m not. I wouldn’t do that,” Jude said. He tried to look Zero in the eyes, but he turned his face away. Eye contact would be too much. The knot in his belly tightened.

“Where were you last night?” Zero asked. Or hissed. He wasn’t sure which one he had done. Zero was just happy that he was able to get the words out. It was a challenge big enough for now.

Jude took a deep breath and bettered his posture. Zero didn’t like the vibe he was giving off. It was a bit too nervous.

“He’s a, um. At a friend’s apartment. Just someone from work. We hang out after work and I ended up falling asleep at his co-,”

Zero didn’t let Jude to finish; “Did you sleep with him?”

  
“I wouldn’t do that!” Jude huffed. He leaned backwards and something about it made Zero suspicious. It felt bad. So, fucking bad.

Zero took another deep breath and let himself fall back against the couch. He didn’t know should he believe Jude or not. Every bit of his soul wanted to believe Jude. Even the thought of Jude disrespecting him like that made Zero grimace. It made his skin crawl.

Jude came closer to Zero and took his hand. Jude stroked the back of Zero’s hand and smiled in that sad, mopey way that made him look like a kicked puppy. It did pull some string on Zero’s heart. Zero tried to relax a bit and he finally looked Jude in his eyes.

“Do you swear you didn’t have sex with him? And that you’re not sleeping with anyone else either?” Zero asked again.

Jude nodded and squeezed Zero’s hand: “I swear. I haven’t slept with anyone.”

There was some little chime in Jude’s voice that sounded off. Jude was shaking a bit, but Zero realized that he was doing the same. It was probably nothing. At least nothing he should have based any assumptions off.

Zero wanted to believe Jude. He really wanted to. There wasn’t really any other choice, was there? Zero could have kept pressing, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t take the conversation anywhere. So he decided to trust Jude’s word. For now at least. Zero had trusted all of him on Jude’s hands for a decade. Jude wouldn’t lie to him about something like this. There was no way. Jude was definitely hiding something, but he had always been secretive. Zero had just assumed the worst. He just needed to take a breather and rationalize.

“Do you trust me?” Jude asked, as if he was reading Zero’s mind. At this point he might as well have been doing that. It sure would have made everything easier for Zero.

“I trust that you’re not ready to throw away everything we have that easily,” Zero said. He felt tears filling his eyes. Zero looked up in order to keep himself from crying. He wouldn’t break now. Not like this.

Jude saw that. He pulled Zero closer to himself. Zero laid his head against Jude’s temple and tried to collect himself. Jude’s arms had been his safe haven for so long. Ever since he struck that sledgehammer to his childhood house’s wall and showed his true colors to Jude for the first time. It made him feel like it could be okay. Everything could be okay. Maybe.

“I love you, stupid. I really do,” Jude assured. That was the last straw before tears rolled down Zero’s cheeks. It was just all a bit too much.

Zero’s heart was aching, and he had no idea why. He wasn’t terrified anymore. Stressed out maybe. He wasn’t sure. There were so many emotions going through his head now that Zero simply couldn’t keep up. But one thing that he knew was that he felt better than he had. Much better. Even if he wasn’t happy per se, he did feel lighter. It was nice.

Zero collected himself and sat up straight. He wiped away the tears in a quick motion, trying not to draw too much attention to it. Zero wasn’t sure why he was still so ashamed of his tears every time he cried. He knew he didn’t have to be.

“I love you too,” Zero said and a small smile raised the corners of his mouth; “Stupid.”

Jude smiled as well. He looked calm. Peaceful even. Very different compared to what he had looked like on the previous days. They looked at each other. Jude looked like he was about to say something, but he didn’t have time to do say before Alyssa’s voice came from the doorway.

“Dad! You’re here!” Alyssa walked into the room in her heels that were too high and clicked too much for Zero’s liking, but he let her have them. It was her choice.

“I’m sorry I was late,” Jude said, but Alyssa just brushed it off. She didn’t seem too bothered anymore.

“Do you like it?” Alyssa asked and spun around in her dress.

The dress was beautiful. It was a turquoise tulle dress that sparkled in the light when Alyssa moved. What Zero liked the most was how happy Alyssa seemed of it. She spun around again and again and giggled a little. Jude squeezed Zero’s hand and smiled. Zero liked this feeling. He felt warm from the inside. It had been a while since that had happened.

***

Wind from the open window felt cool against Zero’s skin. He was laying awake. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep. Instead of tossing and turning he had just been laying still, thinking. Nothing in particular. He had thought about what had happened today, but then decided that going there into that dark place of his mind at this hour would be a huge mistake. So, he hadn’t.

Jude looked beautiful in the faint light. His dark hair was messy and damp from the shower he had taken before bed. Zero loved the way he stretched out his neck when he slept. Jude’s pale skin looked almost blue. That one dark mole on Jude’s neck was almost invisible in the dark. Zero didn’t even realize that he was doing it until his hand was brushing Jude’s neck.

“What are you doin’?” Jude mumbles, eyes still closed. Oh fuck. Had Zero woken him up?

“Nothing,” Zero answered and was about to pull his hand back, when Jude grabbed it and laid it back on his temple.

“No need to,” Jude said quietly. He pushed the duvet off of himself and turned his face to Zero, but kept his eyes closed.

Zero wasn’t sure what to do. Now that Jude was there like that, on offer, he suddenly had no idea what to do. It had been a while since they had done anything. The memory of Jude pushing Zero away was haunting him. Jude’s chest moved up and down under Zero’s touch. His skin was hot on the areas that had just been under the covers.

Zero let his hand move softly against Jude’s stomach and neck. Then upper thighs. Jude’s breathing started to get heavier. Zero bit his lip. Shivers went down his spine. He had been waiting for this moment. Now it was here. Jude gasped when Zero grabbed his inner thigh and moved his hand up.

The covers and pillows were fast to kick off the bed and Zero climbed on top of Jude. Zero placed his hand on Jude’s neck and put a bit pressure on it. Just enough to make Jude gasp again. Zero leaned down to kiss Jude’s lips. They were hot and Jude wrapped his arms around Zero and kept him close to him. Zero felt Jude hard against his stomach. It felt so good.

Zero kissed Jude for long. He just couldn’t pull back. Jude tensed under him every time Zero ran his hand over Jude’s neck or side. He was getting lost in the moment. Finally having Jude with him like this made Zero’s skin burn from being so starved of it. Zero hadn’t realized how much he missed Jude’s touch. The way he pulled Zero closer and how Jude’s nails dug into Zero’s skin whenever he felt particularly good.

Zero kissed Jude’s neck and bit the side of it. Hard enough to make Jude moan, but softly enough not to leave a mark. Jude grabbed Zero’s arm and Zero went further down. He slowly kissed Jude’s chest. His shoulders. His sides. Zero dragged his teeth softly on Jude’s skin and sucked a little. Jude took hold of Zero’s hair and sucked air though his air. Zero couldn’t help but to grin. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Zero kissed Jude’s lower stomach and made sure not to touch him up yet. He took his sweet time teasing him, even though Zero’s self control was slowly giving in to the need that he had. Jude moaned out and grabbed the sheets when Zero took him in his mouth. Jude’s breathing got heavy and Zero knew from experience that he was pushing his head against the mattress from the sensation. 

Zero took hold of Jude’s hips and hold him down. He had Jude pinned against the bed when suddenly Jude’s whole body froze for a second. 

“Don’t,” Jude said and pushed Zero’s hands away: “Don’t do that.”

Zero pulled back confused and let go of Jude all together. He moved to sit next to Jude on the bed, but Jude got up right when Zero was off of him. 

“Where are you going?” Zero asked when Jude walked away. He walked to the bathroom and Zero heard the lock click closed. What was going on? Had he done something wrong? 

Zero got up as well and went to knock on the bathroom door. Jude didn’t answer. Zero tried the door knob but it was locked like he had anticipated. Why did Jude do that? Why had he gotten freaked out all of a sudden? 

“Jude? Are you okay?” Zero asked through the door. For a moment there was no answer and in those seconds Zero had time to panic. What was he doing in there? He wouldn’t hurt himself, would he? Had Zero hurt him? Oh god he felt bad. 

Then Jude’s voice called from the other side of the door: “I’m fine just-, just go to sleep okay.” Jude’s tone was assuring, but it only made Zero feel odder. What? 

Zero stood by the door for few minutes before he realized it would be a lost cause. Jude had turned on the shower but Zero could here him walking around, so he clearly wanted for Zero to back off. Why was Jude being like this? Zero tried to think of signs that Jude might have given that he hadn’t wanted to have sex, but Zero couldn’t think of any. Technically Jude had been the one to make the first move. 

When Zero had been alone in the bed for what felt like closer to an hour he heard the bathroom door open and close. By that point he was nearly drifting asleep. Steps came by the bed. Jude took his phone from charging, Zero could tell that by the light that came from it. Then Jude walked out of the room without saying a word. 

Fear was bubbling in Zero’s stomach again. Anxiety build up again. But at least now Zero knew for sure, that something was definitely not as it should have been. He just didn’t know what. Or did he even want to know. Zero had a ill feeling about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweetie pies!
> 
> First off: I am SO sorry for the wait. I try to get the next chapter published much quicker 
> 
> Second off: Happy Pride month! We must remember and honour the legacy of black trans women who started this amazing moment and social revolution that let’s us live and love proudly. A lot work is to be done for equality, but we will get there. 
> 
> Third off: Stay safe, stay proud and stand on the right side of history. Black lives matter. Protect trans youth. Love whoever you want. Support all women. Don’t discriminate. Be kind. 
> 
> Until next chapter xxx


	7. Ready To Talk?

There was a small water stain on the ceiling. Jude had been staring at it for a while. He almost wished that if he would keep staring at it for long enough then maybe time would stop. World would stop turning. Jude had no idea what time it was. Or how long he had been laying there wide awake. It didn’t really matter though.

Jude wasn’t proud of what he had done. Sneaking out in the middle of the night without a word had been kind of a nasty trick. He couldn’t justify that even if it had felt right. Not just right, it had been the only thing he could have done. If he had stayed in that house he would have had a full blown melt down. Which he had had, but in the car.

After Jude had left their house he had driven around for few hours. He had ended up parking at a closed Walmart’s parking lot and that was the first moment he couldn’t distract himself anymore. No more spotting traffic signs or looking at the houses he drove by. Just him, his thoughts, and the bright lights of the billboards. It all had poured out at once.

Jude was glad that no one had been there to witness his ugly crying. He had been bawling for good half an hour. It had felt almost as if he hadn’t taken a single breath during that time. Jude hadn’t even been sure why he had been crying. Was it for himself? His family? Zero? Or just because this whole situation was spinning out of Jude’s control? He had no idea. Jude knew he had done mistakes. He wasn’t sure could he make them better anymore.

All had been well last night. Jude had felt good after the discussion he had had with Zero. Even if he had felt like he was lying and hiding the truth. Zero’s smile when Alyssa danced in her dress had touched something in him. But in a way Jude hadn’t been in that moment. It had been as if a scene from a movie was playing around Jude and he was sitting back and play. Alyssa’s laughter had rung softer than it usually did and Zero’s hand in Jude’s had been too faint to be real. Of course Jude knew that he had been in that moment. That it had happened. But it was distant. Like a fading memory that you can only remember when someone reminds you of it.

Something had snapped in Jude’s mind when Zero had had him pinned against their bed. It had felt wrong. So wrong that all air had disappeared from the room and Jude’s heart had ached like never before. At first when Zero had briefly touched his neck Jude had thought that maybe he just needed to break ice. Maybe physical contact and intimacy would help him make sense of everything. In a way it had. Jude could now see crystal clearly that it wasn’t working anymore. None of it.

Their sex had always been great. Ever since the first time Zero had stopped him from going to that dumb party. Sometimes Jude wondered would he had any of the things he did without that encounter. Lately he had caught himself wishing that Zero wouldn’t have laid his hand on Jude’s chest and would have let him go. Which obviously was an insane and awful thought.

Jude did love Zero. He really did. Just not, - not the way he used to. Their first years had been crazy. They hadn’t stopped for a moment to think about what the hell they were doing. They hadn’t needed to. Jude had never loved anyone the way he loved Zero. Thinking back there was something almost childish in the love that they had had for each other. It had been so raw. Absolute. Blind. But Jude wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Not at the time.

When the excitement of the new relationship died down, they had built a house. A home that neither of them had ever had. That had taken a year. They had fought about the color of kitchen counters. What size pool they wanted. How many windows and what kind of doorknobs they wanted? After their trivial arguments they would have laughed about it and made love in Jude’s old bedroom which had wall thinner than paper. It had been ever so lovely.

Jude missed the times they had had in his old apartment. The fireplace they had so often pushed each other against. Cold showers because the boiler kept breaking time after time. Zero’s expensive suits in the cheap ikea wardrobe that had cost third of what Zero paid for his dress shirts. They had been so in love. So stupidly in love. Jude had lost most of the innocence he had had back then.

After they had settled into their new home, they had become bored again. Jude didn’t like to admit to that, but that had been what happened. New house wasn’t so cool anymore after they had had sex in every room. Fought in every room. Laughed. Cried. It wasn’t special every day anymore. Around that time Zero had started to talk about adopting.

The first time that Zero brought up the idea of having kids Jude had freaked out. All his own demons had come back to haunt him like a hurricane. They had worked on it. Talked things through and through and through once more. Zero had been in love with Alyssa from the first moment he saw her. Being a father had been harder for Jude at first. For some reason it had been more natural for Zero. Maybe because he had taken care of his little sister as a child. Jude had never had that kind of relationship with anyone. But he had learned. Slowly, but surely.

After starting a family, they had had busy years. Growing into a family had taken its sweet time. Especially with Elias. Jude had buried himself in work. Zero used all his free time with the kids. Jude had felt guilty for all the times he had missed Elias’s games or Alyssa’s recitals. For the times that Zero had carried them both to bed after falling asleep waiting for Jude to come home in the living room. Ashamed for his absence. Terrified of seeing his father in the things he did. Kinkade jumping out, like Lionel said.

Overall, they had been happy. Zero had calmed down. Jude had finally gotten over all his insecurities and found confidence through his success. They had a nice life. Lovely life. Full of richness and glory. Stability. Things that Jude had always dreamed of. And he was able to share them with the love of his life.

Jude had noticed that he was getting bored again. Had been for a long while. Too long. There was nothing more to do. No more records to break. Families to build. Nothing really.

Jude knew that Zero was more than happy. He was thriving. Zero had been the one that wanted a life like this. Sure Jude loved their kids and their home and well, everything. But lately it had started to feel like there was something missing. Jude wasn’t sure what. Something had happened between him and Zero. Jude didn’t know what and he had no idea what to do to fix it.

Few years back Jude would have given anything just to keep Zero. Anything. Now he wasn’t so sure he even wanted to see Zero. Thinking of the feelings that Jude had once made his stomach ache. Jude didn’t long for Zero anymore. At least not in the same way that he had. Which felt awful. Zero was supposed to be the love of his life. One wasn’t supposed to grow out of that kind of love.

Jude heard footsteps coming towards the couch. He took a deep breathe.

“Ready to talk?”

_Absolutely not._

“Yeah sure,” Jude said in the most artificial tone. He could hear how unconvincing he sounded. Jude wanted to grimace at that, but he held it back. Instead he just sat up and moved to the right end of the couch, to make space.

Noah gave Jude a sympathetic, yet tight smile before opening his mouth; “You have been here for two nights in a row. I haven’t asked questions, but you have to give me something.”

Jude didn’t know what to say. He didn’t really have anything to give other than ‘my marriage is going down the drain and I’m not slowly drifting away from my kids which is exactly what my father did and I hate my self for that’. Jude wasn’t eager to lead with that.

“We are-, ugh, we are having some troubles. Zero and I,” Jude said.

Noah batted his eyes at that; “Yeah I figured that much. Why are you here? What should I say if some dedicated paparazzi finds out that you have been here?”

Jude had no idea how he should have been reacting to this. He hadn’t thought about that even though he definitely should have.

Jude had been with Noah very tightly for the past days. Yesterday morning he had left and gotten back in less than an hour only to leave too late and find himself knocking on Noah’s door at three A.M. Jude wasn’t proud of coming back at night. But he couldn’t have gone home. Lionel would have eaten him alive if she knew what was going down. A hotel had felt too cold. Lonely.

Jude had had a long discussion with Noah when he had arrived. Noah had made a bed for him and given him a pair of sweatpants and a new t-shirt to sleep in. Jude had cried after Noah went to sleep and he had a feeling that Noah had heard that. It didn’t really matter.

It was easy to be around Noah. Liberating. Jude didn’t need to play a role around him. It was odd. Jude had a feeling that Noah could see right through a mask if Jude would wear one. Nothing had happened between them. Noah gave Jude smiles that lasted for too long and Jude knew he shouldn’t have been leaning towards Noah as much as he was whenever the other man was near, but he did. Other than that, they hadn’t done anything. Somehow Jude felt that that was still somehow worse than all the times he had been fooling around with other men.

“You are welcome to stay here, Jude, but I can’t ha-,” Noah started, but Jude cut him off.

“I’m sorry for all of this. I know this must be really confusing. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Noah was silent for a moment and let his eyes wonder on Jude. Then he turned his head, as if he was ashamed.

“Are you leaving him?” Noah asked quietly.

“I am,” Jude answered and quickly covered his mouth with his palm. He hadn’t meant to say that. He wasn’t going to. Or was he? He had no idea. Why did he say that?

Noah visibly relaxed a bit. He took a deep breath and gently rubbed Jude’s shin with his thumb. It felt calming in a weird way. Jude couldn’t sort out what he was feeling. He was still shocked at what he had burbled out.

They sat in silence for a bit. Jude noticed that was once again leaning towards Noah. They had been moving closer to one another almost unaware of it. Noah had his hand in Jude’s lap now. Jude felt Noah’s warm breaths on his arm. He didn’t know what to say or yet alone what to do.

“I’m not a homewrecker,” Noah said and looked Jude into his eyes; “I’m not like that. But I do like you Jude. I won’t deny it. And I think that it is no coincidence that you keep coming back here. I don’t think this is the best place for you if you-,” Noah paused for a moment before continuing, in a smaller voice;” If you aren’t sure of what you want.”

Jude bit his lip. He had no idea what he wanted. But Noah was correct. This probably wasn’t the best place for him. He liked Noah as well. As something other than a friend.

Jude wasn’t sure what power possessed him, but he suddenly leaned in and kissed Noah right on the mouth. Noah backed at first, but quickly answered the kiss. Jude’s lips tingled and his toes curled when Noah softly brought his palm on Jude’s cheek. It felt great. Adrenaline was pumping through Jude’s veins. His heart was bumping like there was no tomorrow.

Noah was first to break the kiss. Jude turned his eyes away. He wasn’t ashamed, but he felt as if he should have been. He knew he should have been. But he wasn’t. Actually, he felt great. Jude couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such a rush. It had been long since that had happened with Zero, that was for sure.

“So that’s cleared then,” Noah said, flustered. Their eyes met and both men broke into a smile. Noah had a sweet smile. Assuring. It was lovely. Jude liked that.

What Jude didn’t like was the thought of everything outside this apartment. He wasn’t ready to break the bubble. So, he wouldn’t.

He was staying. Just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello pumpkins! 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I hope you are enjoying my fic so far. Please leave a comment! They absolutely make my day and give me so much joy. 
> 
> Stay safe <3


	8. Vegan Nuggets

Elias was late again. Alyssa had been waiting for him for over twenty minutes. What was with him honestly? This was exactly why she wanted to have a driver. Elias was always late and super unreliable. It was so annoying.

Alyssa had gotten hair nails done for her party tomorrow. She had hanged out in the salon for maybe five minutes after the nails had been all done, but it had started to feel too awkward, so Alyssa chose to stand on the sidewalk instead. It wasn’t much better but at least the ladies working there weren’t eyeing her anymore.

It had been a bit weird day. Their whole family had had breakfast together for the first time in like two weeks. Both dads had been on an odd mood and Elias had made it ten times worse by joking about it. For some reason he had brought up the article from few days back claiming that Zero had an affair with auntie Jelena. Which made no sense and was actually kind of gross. Alyssa knew that they had had a thing like forever ago, but she hadn’t even been born at time, so it was like whatever. Or actually she probably was a baby at that point, but whatever. Ancient history anyway.

Dads being grumpy wasn’t anything too out of ordinary. They were like that sometimes. Old age, probably. What had been weird was how Jude had been wearing a suit to breakfast and left for work immediately after eating. He never did that. Usually he would leave the house sometime after lunch and change to a suit then. It had felt like a sims game glitch. Alyssa, Elias and Zero had all been in pajamas, like normal people at nine o’clock, and Jude had been in full business attire. It had felt off somehow.

When Elias finally drove to Alyssa, she was ready to throw hands at her brother. Elias even had the audacity to do the “haha I locked the doors so you can’t get in” -trick. No decency. Elias seemed to realize that Alyssa wasn’t in a mood for games and let her in quickly, even though he usually messed with her for a while before letting her into the car. One more reason to the list of reasons why Elias was the absolute worst.

“Do you want nuggets?” Elias asked without bothering with greetings.

“I thought you were trying to eat vegan,” Alyssa said and closed the seatbelt. Cool air from the air conditioning felt really nice. She hadn’t even realized how hot it had been outside.

“There’s vegan nuggets, Ally,” Elias assured; “I think they are made of soy. Or oats. I don’t know. Point being that we’re gonna get me some nuggies.”

“ _Nuggies_ ,” Alyssa repeated and laughed. He used such dumb words.

There was music playing and Elias desperately tried to nail the rap verses of the RnB songs. It was kind of fun to see how hard he tried. Alyssa just prayed to gods that he didn’t do that anywhere in public. That would have been so embarrassing.

Elias had been right about the vegan nuggets. Those were actually pretty good. Alyssa had tasted one from him, but she preferred her cheeseburger. There was something suspicious about nuggets that weren’t chicken. They had had to park when Elias realized that he couldn’t dip the nuggets in mayo well enough as he was driving so it was safer just to pull over.

They had been eating in silence for a while, before Elias broke the silence.

“Do you know what’s going on with dads?” He asked. Alyssa tried not to look up from her food. For some reason the question made her feel somewhat tense.

“No. I’ve been wondering what’s up, but I haven’t asked. Why? Do you know something?”

Elias sighed and took a long sip of his drink.

“Have you noticed how dad keeps leaving all the time?”

Obviously, Alyssa had noticed. It was pretty hard to miss when Jude left at such odd times. He had also been absent from things he had promised to attend. Like the meeting about Alyssa’s birthday party. Sure, dad had showed up, but he had been late, and it had been painfully obvious that he had forgotten about it. Alyssa told that to Elias, who bit his lip. He seemed nervous. Restless.

“I think dad cheated. Or something like that. It’s the only logical conclusion I’ve came to. Like I don’t ac-,”

“Which dad?” Alyssa asked for clarification.

“Zero, obviously. Like why Jude would be so weird and avoid everyone if it wasn’t for that. You know I just think it makes sense if he’s mad at dad but doesn’t want us to know so he keeps away. I haven’t asked though, so I don’t know.”

It did make sense, in a way. Zero had been pretty normal. Sure he had been a bit fractious lately, but nothing major. Jude on the other hand had been distant and cold. That wasn’t insanely out of character of him, but dad usually at least tried to make some effort. It was clear that something had happened.

“I heard them talk the other day. When that article was published. I heard when da-, Jude, came home and I kind of followed him to eavesdrop. I didn’t listen for long, but he was pretty mad. And I think Zero was crying yesterday when we had the party planning thing. I went to put on my dress and when I came back his eyes were all puffed and dad was there,” Alyssa rambled. Could it be? Dad wouldn’t do that. He just would not. Or would he?

Alyssa knew about dad’s past. Zero had been a party boy and dated an insane number of people. Alyssa knew about the prostitute scandal as well. Her dads had quite openly briefed them about their history, so that they wouldn’t have to hear about some negative _occurrences_ from anyone else. It felt bad, but in all honestly it made sense if you rationalized it. What if he had actually cheated on dad with Jelena? No. Or maybe? Alyssa hated herself for thinking in such fashion.

“It just a thought. It could be anything. Let’s not jump into conclusions,” Elias said, but Alyssa heard trembling in his voice. Her throat felt suddenly tighter. Food no longer felt even remotely tempting.

“You know my friend River got two new Range Rovers when his parents got divorced. So, like maybe it wouldn’t be that bad,” Elias said and gave Alyssa the most forced smile she had ever seen.

“That’s not funny,” Alyssa rapped out. This wasn’t something to joke about.

Elias started the engine again.

“Forget about it, sis. It’s probably nothing,” Elias tried to assure and tapped Alyssa’s thigh as if to calm her.

Elias turned the volume up on the radio and Alyssa let herself drown in the music. She couldn’t hear anything. She wished they were wrong. So badly.

***

The discussion that Alyssa had had with Elias in the car was still bothering Alyssa. Now that she knew what Elias thought she felt like everything was pointing to that direction. She had a hard time keeping it together.

Jude hadn’t come home that day. He had been away since morning. Zero said he was having a long day at work, but Alyssa doubted that. Zero hadn’t answered anything when she asked had he talked with dad about when he would be coming home. It was out of place.

Alyssa hadn’t been able to fall asleep. She wasn’t even feeling tired. Just stressed out. Nothing took her mind of the worrying. Worst thing was that she couldn’t do anything about it. She could not just confront her dads about their marriage. That would have been just, - weird. She didn’t want to talk with her dads about their love life. And her shouldn’t have even felt a need to do so in the first place.

Alyssa got up from her bed. She wrapped her duvet around her shoulders like a small child would wrap a towel after swimming. The hallway was already dark, and the lights were off in Elias’s room as fell. Alyssa hesitated for a moment before knocking but decided to do it anyway. Elias called her to come in.

“Can I sleep here?” Alyssa asked in a small voice. Elias closed his phone and Alyssa couldn’t see anything in the dark.

“Yeah sure. Come here,” Elias said and Alyssa heard him making space for her.

Alyssa tiptoed to the bed and throw he duvet on the bed before slipping under it. There was crumbs in the bed. Disgusting. Alyssa was pretty sure that Elias hadn’t changed his sheets in something like a year. What a goblin.

They were quiet for a bit. Elias’s bed was big and there was plenty of space for them both. They used to share a bed as children. Not because they had to obviously, but because they had wanted. Elias had felt lonely all by himself and Alyssa had thought it was cool. It had been like having a slumber party. Alyssa wouldn’t ever say it aloud, but she absolutely idolized her brother. Always had.

“Can you promise me something?” Alyssa asked.

“Depends,” Elias answered, and the mattress moved when he turned to his side.

Alyssa bit her lip, embarrassed.

“Do you promise to never leave me? No matter what happens?” Alyssa hated it how powerless her voice sounded. Like she was a little kid.

Elias reached for Alyssa’s hand and squeezed it once he found it.

“Never ever,” Elias whispered. He stayed quiet for a bit before continuing; “Do you promise that you’ll never leave me either?”

Alyssa huffed; “I couldn’t even if I tried”.

“Good.”

Silence fell again. Alyssa tried not to think of all those scary thoughts that were circling in her mind like sharks. Ready to bite in a moment of weakness. She was probably overreacting anyway. It was just dumb speculation. Nothing more than that. Alyssa stared into the darkness. It was calming. Nothingness. Laying there motionless was nice. Numbing.

Alyssa was almost drifting to sleep when Elias moved again, letting go of her hand.

“Happy birthday Ally,” he mumbled.

Oh yeah. Her birthday. The party. She had been so wound up in worry that she had completely forgotten about it.

_Damn_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi munchkins! Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Don't you worry, Zero and Jude will be back in the next chapter. 
> 
> Please leave a comment. I have noticed that I'm getting way fewer comments now for some reason. Please share your thoughts, because comments are what motivate me to write more. I have a feeling that many people are getting bored(?) to this story. So please, tell me what you think.
> 
> Until next time babes xxx


	9. No worries

Zero had to bite his tongue to release some of his anger. He couldn’t make sore faces or clench his fists with the house full of teenagers with iPhones recording everything. Alyssa’s party was only getting started and Zero was already getting fed up. Not with the party or Alyssa, but with Jude – who on top of everything had disappeared for two nights without any explanation and now had the audacity to be moody.

When Jude had left after locking himself in to their bathroom for ages, Zero had thought he would come back in an hour or two after letting off some steam. But no. Jude had snuck back into the house around 8 am like nothing had happened. He had showered, changed into his work clothes. They had had breakfast together as a family and then Jude had been gone again. Complete radio silence for 24 hours straight before getting back just in time for the party. And that wasn’t even the worst part.

Zero had called Jude’s office yesterday. Jude had clearly been avoiding Zero’s phone calls so by calling the office Jude would have been forced to answer. It would be an understatement to say that Zero was taken a back when the assistant told him that Jude had taken the day off and couldn’t be reached through the office. So, Jude had bluntly lied to his face. Zero had no idea what the heck was going on.

None of it made any sense. Jude had sworn that he wasn’t cheating. And perhaps Zero was being blind and making a complete fool of himself, but he wanted to believe in that. He had to have faith. Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe Jude had been handling some business that was kept under the wraps and that was why the assistant hadn’t known anything about it. Zero’s heart was aching.

“Smile,” Jelena ordered with a sweet smile that did not fit her tone at all. Zero did as he was told, and Jelena tilted her head as if to say: ‘good job’.

“Did you see Jude?” Zero asked and scanned the room behind Jelena. He was no where to be seen. Not that Zero was surprised. Jude had been quite literally running away from him the whole time he had been home.

Jelena shook her head slightly. She had somewhat sympathetic look on her face and Zero hated it. The moment one got any empathy from Jelena Howard was when one knew they were in really deep waters. Zero had, _accidentally_ , told Jelena that Jude had been acting oddly and being who she was Jelena had instantly known that something was up.

“Don’t overthink it,” Jelena advised and Zero nearly rolled his eyes. He was way past overthinking by now. He might as well have been living in a different reality.

“Easy for you to say,” Zero said in a low voice that made Jelena to give him a cold look. In a way he liked that. Jelena was easier to deal with when she was being her bitchy self. Zero was more comfortable with that.

Jelena took a sip of her drink and turned to face Zero. “You’re welcome to excuse yourself and mope around alone,” she suggested.

Zero didn’t answer. He was thankful that Jelena was there with him. It gave him a reason to stand in place and most importantly distracted him from his anger. Zero wouldn’t ruin Alyssa’s day by fighting with Jude. Hopefully. There had been one close call already. Zero _prayed_ that he would be able to keep his calm for the rest of the day.

Alyssa had been crying in the morning. She had been really worried about Jude and whether he would show up or not. It had broken Zero’s heart. Seeing how upset this situation was making the kids was the worst thing. Zero had found Alyssa in Elias’s room after almost having a heart attack when he had thought that she had left without a word as well. Alyssa had been bawling her eyes out and Elias hadn’t seemed delighted either. Zero had had a hard time keeping it together when Alyssa had said that she couldn’t understand why he had chased Jude away.

Zero had nearly blown off at Jude when he finally had graced them with his presence. If the catering team hadn’t been in the room, he would have said few very carefully chosen words to Jude. Zero had been more than furious. Still was, actually.

If Zero had known how badly this situation between Jude and him was going to escalate, he wouldn’t have agreed in to letting Alyssa have that stupid interview. There was a big camera crew recording clips of _everything_. Zero had been very clear of what they were allowed to publish and what not, but he knew better than to trust reporters. They made profit of other people’s misery, so of course all dirt would be plastered all over their website if they managed to dig up anything.

What made the whole interview even more irritating was that Zero had agreed to let them take few family portraits. And he had promised that to Alyssa, not the camera crew, so he couldn’t back off of it. Zero would have to swallow his pride and fury and appear as a happily married father for those damn photos. Fake smile he could handle, he had practiced that long and hard. Zero was more worried about Jude. He wasn’t as well trained to hide his feelings in front of cameras. Jude wasn’t very good at hiding his feeling in general. Or who knew, maybe he was. Jude had become like a stranger to Zero lately.

“Hey dad,” Elias called and walked up to Zero and Jelena. Zero didn’t like the look he had on his face.

Elias greeted Jelena with a hug, and they exchanged few short compliments before Elias turned to Zero; “They want to take the photos now if that’s cool. Dad’s there with Ally already.”

_Of course, he was_.

“Yeah sure. I’ll catch you later,” Zero said to Jelena, who gave him a knowing look after Elias had turned his back at them. Zero didn’t like it.

The camera crew had everything all set in their second living room. Alyssa was sitting on a big armchair that was clearly going to be in the center of the photo. Jude was chatting with the photographer and Zero had to breathe deep. He was going to behave himself. Zero knew how to control his emotions.

“Hi sweetheart. Having fun?” Zero asked and gave Alyssa a quick kiss on the forehead. She smiled and nodded. That made Zero’s heart feel a bit lighter. The kids were a priority.

The photographer told Elias to sit on the armrest and then asked for Jude and Zero to come stand together on the other side of the armchair. Zero hated himself for not wanting to do it. He did, obviously, but he didn’t want to. Which, in a way, felt insane. Jude was his husband for Christ sake. A man whose side Zero was meant to stand at through thick and thin.

Jude wasn’t enthusiastic about this either, Zero could tell. He plastered a smile on his face and cracked a joke or two with the photographer. This wasn’t about him. Or Jude. Or their relationship. Or their issues. This was for Alyssa to feel special and for letting her to be the center of attention for once. That was precisely why Zero had to be in control of himself. Because none of this was really about him. It was about their family. The dynasty.

“Lovely, lovely. Such beauty you are,” the photographer said to Alyssa, who seemed to light up more after each compliment. That warmed Zero’s heart. Seeing her happy. Elias seemed to be in an easier mood as well. It was good.

Zero realized that there was a gap between him and Jude. He took a step closer and wrapped his arm around Jude, who flinched under his touch. That was odd. Suspicious. Zero’s eyes met with Elias for a second. It was painfully obvious that the kids had seen Jude’s reaction. They both turned back to the camera. Zero just wished that the crew hadn’t gotten that on tape.

They changed their positions for few times and Zero felt Jude escaping his touch each time Zero laid his hand on his side, shoulder or arm. After that had happened few times, Zero realized that he needed to drop it. It was becoming obvious to everyone that Jude wasn’t feeling comfortable. Jude clearly hadn’t got the memo about keeping the act together for cameras. Zero moved to the other side of the armchair to put his hand on Elias’s shoulder.

“Don’t,” Elias hissed, and shrug Zero’s hand off him. Why did he do that?

“What?” Zero blurted out and instantly regretted it. He had drawn attention to the movement. That wasn’t good. It was really bad, actually. Zero thanked gods that Elias dropped it instead of repeating.

The mood in the room was quickly tensing up. Alyssa’s smile was becoming more glued on than genuine. At least someone in this house knew how to behave in front of the cameras. Zero sensed that this whole session was going south rapidly. He would need to cut it off. To Zero’s surprise, Jude was the one who put an end on it.

“Was that all?” Jude asked in an ice-cold tone that Zero hadn’t heard in a long while. It was the same that he used when talking about his father. Zero didn’t like the connection he was making here.

“Yeah. I think we got all we needed,” the photographer said and Jude was on the move before he could even end his sentence. That wasn’t a good look. Zero gritted his teeth. This whole day would become a catastrophe if this snowball of microaggressions wouldn’t stop.

Elias got up as well and quickly followed Jude out the room. Alyssa’s face was getting sore. Zero had no idea what was going on. Why was Jude acting so dramatic? And why Elias had shrug him off? Had Jude said something to him? Was he pitting Elias against him?

“Sorry for that. It’s the end of the basketball season. Gets us all a bit wound up,” Zero said light heartedly to the photographer, trying to hide it how his nerves were getting wrecked down.

“No worries. You’re the biggest family in the whole sport, wouldn’t expect anything less. It’s hard to get hold of you Kinkades these days.”

“It really is. Dad’s been a-,” Alyssa started, but cut herself off. Zero was thankful for that.

“Must be hard to keep in all the family secrets. There must be so many!” The photographer said and laughed a little. Zero bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything. He had to calm down.

Zero exchanged a few more words with the crew and made sure Alyssa was fine before leaving the room with her. Lindsey walked past them and Zero asked her to go make sure that all media personnel would be out of the house as quickly as possible. Zero didn’t want them to get anything more on record. He had a bad feeling that they already had way too much. Why the hell he had agreed to this?

Alyssa stopped walking all of sudden. She had a nervous, but angry look on her face. Zero didn’t like it.

“It’s okay. I’m sure it went well. You’re so amazing in all interviews, sweetie,” Zero assured his daughter. Alyssa’s expression tightened. She looked somewhere past Zero, as if to make sure that no one was there.

“We know,” Alyssa said and bit her lip. Zero saw her jaw trembling.

“Know what?” Zero asked, confused.

Alyssa took a deep breath and looked around again. What had she heard? Zero was getting anxious. He didn’t like this atmosphere at all.

“About you. Cheating on Dad,” she said quietly.

“Excuse me?” Zero couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He? Cheating? What the fuck. Who the hell had said that? Zero’s heartbeat was skyrocketing. Why? Where was this coming from?

Alyssa was getting heated up as well: “I just don’t understand why you would do that to dad. Don’t you love him anymore? Don’t you care about us?”

“Of course, I love him! I love all of you!”, Zero noticed his volume rising. He tried to calm down his breathing. When had it gotten this heavy?

“Funny was of showing it, then. I heard Dad say it,” Alyssa said. The heat in her voice was turning into defeat. A tear ran down her now red face; “I heard him say that you’re cheating on him. And I just can’t understand why you’d do it!”

That was it. Too much. Way too much. How did Jude even dare to say that? What a fucking bitch. Lying to their kids like that! What was he thinking? Zero couldn’t keep it in anymore. This was getting outrageous.

Zero walked through the hallway to the living room where Jude was chatting with someone from the catering team. It didn’t matter.

“You. With me. Now,” Zero hissed into Jude’s ear. Jude looked confused. Then mad. How was he getting mad? It wasn’t Zero who had done anything!

Zero took hold of Jude’s bicep. He realized a second too late that it looked like he was dragging Jude out of the room, even though Jude was actually walking with him. Not that he really cared.

They ended up to the hallway, that was for Zero’s luck empty. He couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“What the hell have you been telling the kids? That I was cheating on you! How dare you say something like that. I can’t even, I just-,”

“What are you talking about? I haven’t said a thing!” Jude defended himself, but Zero wasn’t having it.

“You lie, you disappear. You’re probably fucking some guy from I don’t even know. _You_ keep disrespecting me and calling me a cheat! To our kids! How dare you?” Zero asked. Or hissed. He was full of rage. There was a buzzing sound in his head. It felt overwhelming. Why? Why would he do that? After everything Jude had pulled on him. He was already wrecking their relationship into little pieces.

“What if I am? What are you going to do? Shut me out? You’ve been doing a darn good job at that lately!”

What? Zero felt his nails dug into his palms. He had to control it. He couldn’t start throwing things now.

  
“When have I ever shut you out? When have I ever disrespected you? Name one time. One!” Zero was talking through his teeth.

Zero and Jude were standing just inches apart now. Zero felt Jude’s hot breath on his face. Both of their chests were rising up and down quickly. How could Jude say something like that? Zero was doing the best he could. He wasn’t the one leaving and disappearing into the night.

Neither of them had time to say anything more, when Jelena walked into the room. She had a tight look on her face. She stepped in the middle of them, facing Zero.

“Out. Now,” She ordered.

Zero took a step back. Then another. He realized that all chatter in the house had died down. Music was still playing from the speakers, but that was the only sound apart from his own heavy breathing. Oh no. No. No. No. NO.

Jelena gestured towards the door and Zero knew that it was time for him to go. He should have walked right outside of the house after talking with Alyssa. Zero couldn’t believe what he had just done.

Once they got outside of the house Jelena shook her head at him. As if telling Zero to drop it. He was still fuming. His heart would probably beat out of his chest if he wouldn’t calm down soon. This wasn’t how he behaved at all. How could he let this happen?

Zero knew why. It had been building up for weeks, no months. And he hadn’t done enough to stop it. To fix it. Zero should have stepped up sooner. This wasn’t acceptable behavior. Not at all. He knew it. But at the same time, he was mad at Jude. Furious even.

“I think it’s better if you leave with me,” Jelena said. She was right. Zero knew that he would just make things a million times worse if he walked back into the house. Even if it seemed like it couldn’t get any worse. Zero knew that he was very talented at destroying things. It was his curse. Short temper.

Jelena went back in for a moment. Right on this moment Zero couldn’t have been more thankful for her. Jelena was absolutely terrifying, but she was always able to make things swing on her way. If anyone could even slightly brush over a scene like that, it was her.

Zero was hiding in the backseat of Jelena’s car. Tinted windows made it impossible to see inside. Zero couldn’t help the tears from streaming down his face. This was a disaster. He was a disaster. Not only had he ruined Alyssa’s day, he had embarrassed himself and their whole family in front of dozens of people.

Zero typed a short message for Jude before turning his phone off.

‘ ** _I’m sorry. I love you, stupid._** ’

Zero sunk against the car seat. It was all a bit too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Stay safe xxx


	10. Just like that?

The past few days had been confusing. In both good and bad ways. Jude had felt awful. Guilty. Angry. Angry at himself. Angry at Zero for all the things he had done and said to him. Guilty because of the choices he had made. At the same time, he felt no regret. None. Jude was quite scared of that. He should have been begging for forgiveness. On his knees, hand crossed. But it wouldn’t have been sincere. He could barely bring himself to apologize.

Jude hadn’t seen Zero after their fight at Alyssa’s birthday party. They had had many, many heated phone calls though. When Jude had realized that he had technically admitted to cheating during their argument, he had decided to set the record straight. He hadn’t slept with anyone. Not even Noah. That had been close, but Jude wasn’t going to tell that to Zero. That would have been unnecessary.

Jude had definitely crossed many lines. He had flirted with other men. Touched them up. Let one or two feel him as well. Made out with maybe two or three men. Jude hadn’t exactly told that to Zero. What he had said was that he had kissed few others. And that he had been staying at Noah’s apartment. Which had made Zero absolutely livid. Jude felt that there was no need to pour anymore gasoline on that fire.

Someone at the party had recorded their fight. No surprise there. One couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was plain as day that they were fighting. Whoever had recorded the video had been at the door right after Jelena had walked in. The video was maybe ten seconds long. Jude and Zero fighting. Jelena breaking it. Zero and Jelena leaving together. Of course, there was also recordings of the pair getting into same car. All in all, Zero was the one in the spotlight.

That stupid article they had fought over now made Jude look like the victim. Media had spun the whole situation to be the exact opposite of what was actually happening. Zero had been labelled to be a cheater. Playboy. Jude had even seen an article claiming that Zero had had an affair with Jelena ever since they had gotten married. It was ridiculous. But at the same time Jude was rather happy about the fact that _he_ wasn’t the one in the eye of the storm.

Zero’s profile was quite bad in a situation like this. Media had many old scandals to bring back up. The prostitutes and Zero’s christian act being exposed as a hoax being the biggest of them. Zero’s defining quality was that he was a flirt. Spark in the eyes. Bad boy. He had always been portrayed like that. And Zero had never denied it. Hell, he had had a house full of strippers and gogo-boys at his coming out party. Same thing at his bachelor party. Zero loved his status as a sex symbol. Now it was biting him back.

Jude had never had an image like that. At first, he had been just Oscar’s son who was dating Zero. _Boss’s son_. That was what they had called him. Oh, the irony of that. Then he had become the owner. And after that he had just been Zero’s husband. Never alone in the public eye. Jude had liked that. He didn’t want to get too much attention drawn to himself, specifically. Their family had always been in the spotlight, but not Jude as an individual.

Neither of them had made any proper statements yet. Zero had simply said that this was a family matter and it would be treated as such. Which, in Jude’s opinion, had been a stupid thing to say. By stating that Zero had admitted that something was going on and that there was something to be handled. Jude had taken the classic ‘no comments’ approach. He didn’t want to say anything. He had no idea what ought to happen.

The kids hadn’t talked to Jude for days. Alyssa made sure to bang every door she walked through. Jude had found out from Zero that Alyssa had heard parts of their argument about the article about Zero and Jelena. She had thought that Zero was cheating and confronted him. She got the balls that Jude himself lacked, according to Zero that was. Elias on the other hand was moping. He refused to answer any questions. Jude knew that Alyssa was taking Zero’s side. Not surprising. Elias was a wild card. Jude had no idea of what was going on in his head. That kid was a mystery.

Jude had no idea what was going to happen to their family. He tried not to think about it. Ignoring it felt easier. Zero wasn’t ready to talk, so Jude had decided not to stress it yet.

Even if Jude’s life was a mess right now, he felt calm. Whole party fiasco had felt liberating. Showing the world what was going on. That they had problems. And most importantly finally getting the words out. Jude had been bottling his feeling for way too long. At least now they were out in the open. He felt shut out by Zero. He hadn’t been happy. Jude had been running away the problems, but he was forced to face them now. In the end it was only a good thing.

Jude did have one more thing that he hadn’t told Zero about yet. One that he really needed to bring up. One that he had been thinking about for months. One that he was finally sure of.

“Did you call him yet?” Noah asked. He sat down next to Jude on the couch.

Jude shook his head. He hadn’t had the courage, even if he was sure that this was what he had to do. Noah put his hand on Jude’s leg and rubbed small circles on his knee.

“It’s a big decision. You’ve been together for a long time. Are you sure?” Noah voice was soft. Calming.

“I think I am,” Jude answered. Could one ever really be one hundred percent sure of anything. Jude never was. He was always doubting. But this felt right.

Jude moved closer to Noah on the sofa.

“Could we not talk about that? Could we do _something_ else” Jude asked and looked Noah in the eyes. Jude liked the way Noah radiated joy. He seemed so peaceful. Intact. Zero had always had fire in his eyes. That wasn’t something Jude yearned for anymore. He was done.

Noah smiled and let out a chuckle disguised as a huff. He took Jude’s hand and squeezed it. Noah’s hand was so warm. Jude liked his touch.

“Call your husband. We’ll talk about that later. I won’t be a paramour, remember,” Noah reminded.

Jude rolled his eyes. He hadn’t meant it like that. Or maybe he had, but he knew that nothing would happen between them. Noah had been very clear about it. He wouldn’t sleep with Jude as long as Jude was still together with Zero. Which was not only understandable, but respectable. Jude didn’t have same kind of backbone. Oh, how he wished that he did.

They had spent the past week together. Or most of it at least. Now Noah was at Jude and Zero’s house. Noah had been worried that it was rude and tasteless thing to do, but Jude had insisted. Zero had made it clear that he wasn’t going back home as long as Jude was there. He was staying at their beach house, surrounded by reporters. The kids were avoiding him anyway, so Noah could be there. Noah was being very respectful. He made sure to keep his distance whenever the kids were insight. Jude appreciated that.

“I’ll have to go to work now. Lionel’s going to eat me alive if I turn up late again,” Noah joked, but Jude knew there was some truth to that. Lionel was furious at Jude and she hadn’t held back any words when he had called to update her. She didn’t care if she offended Jude, but he understood it. He wasn’t the one to call out anyone at the moment.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” Jude said and got up with Noah.

The hallway felt cold. Walking past the point where he had been standing with Zero felt odd. Jude didn’t like the feeling he got in his stomach from thinking about the incident. His palms were getting sweaty. Jude wiped them on his pants.

Jude took hold of Noah’s hand, when he was about to open the front door. They both knew that touching outside of the house was a big no-no. Jude couldn’t do that. It was bad enough that Noah was in the house to begin with. Although Jude photographed leaving Noah’s house would have been million times worse. So this was a good compromise for him. Also it would piss of Zero. Jude didn’t want to be petty, but he was. He knew it wasn’t mature, let alone _right_ on any level, but he couldn’t help it.

Jude pulled Noah closer by belt loop of his jeans. The way Noah cupped Jude’s face felt amazing. Jude swore his skin tingled under Noah’s touch. He couldn’t help but to break into a smile. They leaned closer to one another and shared a quick kiss. Or it felt quick. It probably lasted for longer than it felt. Jude just wanted to hold on to Noah.

“Call him,” Noah whispered to Jude’s ear. He proceeded to slap Jude’s ass before disappearing through the door with a cheeky smile. Jude wasn’t sure which of those acts let shiver up his spine and gave him goosebumps.

Jude heard a cold laugh from the other end of the hallway. Elias was standing by the stairs, looking unimpressed.

“Nice pull, dad. Really magnificent,” Elias said. Jude wondered when he had learned to talk in such a monotone tone.

“Son, look-,” Jude started and took few steps closer to Elias who backed just as much.

“Save it,” Elias interrupted. He spun around in his heels and walked up the stairs. Jude didn’t try to follow him. It would be no use to do so.

Jude had to call Zero. He couldn’t just ignore this anymore.

***

They were about to meet at their lawyer’s office. Jude had suggested it, so they would be in neutral ground. Zero wasn’t willing to come home and Jude didn’t want to go to their beach house either, because it had always been more of Zero’s territory anyway. So, office would be best. Their lawyer wouldn’t be there at first. Just the two of them. Jude was getting more nervous by minute.  
  


Zero was late. They had agreed on meeting at four o’clock. It was almost quarter to five already. Jude knew that this was just Zero trying to piss him off. He understood it, but it was childish and annoying – so mission accomplished there. Jude had anticipated something like this he had reserved the space for the rest of the day.

Jude had been practicing what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He knew that it was a waste and that none of this would go his way, but at least he had tried. Jude wasn’t the one on the higher ground. Even if the public was on his side. But the common opinion didn’t really matter now. This was about him and Zero. Jude’s mind started to turn dark. This was really happening.

It was ten past five when Zero walked into the room. He was wearing a dark hoodie and big sunglasses.

“Hi. Thank you for coming,” Jude tried. Zero just grunted as an answer. Too formal, Jude realized. For a second his thoughts went back to the time when Zero told Jude that he loved him for the first time. How Jude had called Zero ‘a valuable member of the team’. Thinking about that made his heart ache.

Zero threw his sunglasses on the table and sat down as far from Jude as he possibly could. His eyes were red and his whole face was puffed. He had been crying. Crying a lot. Seeing that felt horrible. Jude had heard Zero’s sobbing through the phone but seeing him like this was another thing. Much more real.

“Why I’m here?” Zero asked. His voice was hurt. Beaten even.

Jude suddenly forgot everything he had rehearsed. All of it. This had been much easier in front of the mirror. But now that Zero was actually there, sitting on the other side of the table, this was much harder. Words got stuck in his throat.

“I wanted to see you and talk,” Jude stated the obvious. Zero didn’t look impressed.

“Talk then,” Zero basically ordered. Jude didn’t.

Neither of them said anything in what felt like hours. Zero kept staring at the walls. Jude took the chance to study him. Zero didn’t look good. He looked utterly miserable. It felt awful to see him like that. It took a lot for him to look bad. Jude wondered what he had been up to during these past few days.

Suddenly Zero’s whole appearance changed. He leaned back on his chair and crossed his arms on his chest.

“Heard about your new toy boy. That you’re playing house. Does he sleep in our bed?” Zero asked in a voice so spiteful Jude almost choked on it. He was now staring straight at Jude.

“He’s older than me,” Jude corrected and immediately knew it was a mistake. He bit the inside of his cheek.

Zero let out a joyless chuckle: “That’s what you lead with. Wow.” He smiled in his cold, smug way that Jude had always found extremely attractive, but now it just made him angry.

“Beat you’ve had someone to kill the time with as well. Now that we’re at the topic.”

Zero’s eyebrows shot up at that. He looked baffled for a second but collected himself quickly. Zero leaned forwards, hands open on the table.

“You’re so full of shit,” Zero said and shook his head in what Jude could only describe as disbelief.

“What a mature way of dodging the question,” Jude bit back. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was heading to.

Zero rolled his eyes: “Are you serious? Paparazzies have surrounded the house and only person I’ve seen have been delivering food. Which you’d know if you have opened your tv or phone in the past, I don’t know, three days.”

Jude chose not to answer that. There was no use. It would only escalade into another useless argument and they’d keep insulting one another.

“I actually called you here for a reason,” Jude deadpanned. Zero just shrugged and told him to go on with it. Jude didn’t know how to phrase this, so he chose not to.

Jude slid the file folder across the table to Zero. He turned his head away. A hot wave washed over him. This was it. No turning back. It was literally on the table. Jude heard how Zero flipped the folder open and took a sharp breath. Jude braced himself. Moment of truth.

“Divorce? Seriously?” Jude could hear the disbelief in Zero’s voice. It felt like a punch in the stomach.

“It’s all filled out. Read it through. Sign it or not, I’m going through with is,” Jude said in strong voice. He surprised himself with how confidently he managed to say it. It was really hard to keep it together.

Zero read through the pages, frowning. Jude wasn’t sure was it because of what he was reading or because he was fighting back tears. Maybe both. The odd feeling in Jude’s gut was bothering him. But at the same time this felt right. Like it was the only possible thing. The right thing to do. Zero didn’t seem to agree.

“You want to buy me out of the devils? For real?” Zero asked. Jude took a deep breath. Of course that what was he would start with.

“You’re no longer a player. You don’t work there. You’d get a fair compensation and our properties in exchange. LA devils are my patrimony and legacy and I-,”

“Your patrimony? What the hell are you talking about? Oscar didn’t pass it on to you. Only reason we ever got the devils was because Jelena fled the country for two years. Devils were my whole life!”

Jude tried to keep his calm. He knew that he was the one who dragged Oscar into this conversation, but Jude didn’t like the fact that they were talking about him now. He decided against continuing on the topic and asked Zero to read the whole thing. Another mistake.

Zero’s face turned angrier and angrier by the page. There weren’t many of them, but many enough to completely piss him off, apparently. Zero shook the folder on his hand.

“You’ve really done it now, Jude. I can’t believe this. You want me to have full custody of the kids? So now you’re ready to dump them too? Unbelievable. You’re just unbelievable,” Zero sounded furious. Jude understood it.

Jude didn’t have time to explain that he felt like the kids were much more connected to Zero and that he felt that by demanding 50/50 custody he’s just do damage to the kids. Jude didn’t want them to turn into pawns in this. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids. And Jude was painfully aware of how much alike he had become with Oscar. It was terrifying.

“You just want to get rid of us then? Just like that? Don’t you think that it is insane that this is the first time we’re talking about this. Seriously talking about this. I just-, I can’t wrap my head around this. Do you love the guy, whatever his name is?” Zero sounded like he was seriously asking, even though the question was ridiculous.

“Of course not! Who do you think I am? I don’t, I love you, Zero,” Jude said and the statement was met with shook of head.

“Then why? Why? Are you bored of us? Of family life. Do you just want a free pass to get to fuck all the guys in LA? Is that it? You want to get you dick wet with some gold-diggers?”

“Zero! Stop it. Why are you being like this?” _Stupid question_.

Zero laughed again. Now he sounded somewhat hysterical. Jude hated it. He hadn’t wanted this to turn into whatever this was. He had hoped that they could have been civil about this.

“Why am I being like this? For real? Maybe it’s because my whole reputation is ruined because of you, Jude. My house is surrounded by reports yelling questions about something that I didn’t do. I literally can not go outside without being chased. I’m just a homewrecker. Slut. That’s what everyone sees. You took my reputation and destroyed it. My name is in the front page everywhere stating that I am the bad guy. The asshole. Not to mention that my husband, the man that I have loved for a decade is leaving me for, for what. I don’t even know,” Zero gasped for air and kept going off; “Do you realize how badly you’ve fucked me over? I have no idea what has happened. I tried reaching out, you ran. I gave you space, you go and have sex with the fi-,”

“I haven’t had sex with anyone,” Jude clarified.

“Even worse. You’ve taken some guy who’s not even a hookup and gotten him all up to our children’s life and into our bed. And I can’t even excuse it with you just being horny or whatever.”

Zero got up and shook his head. Then hands. As if he tried to shake water off his skin. Jude’s stomach ached. Zero had good points. A bit too good. But still, it didn’t matter. Even though this hurt, hurt like hell, Jude felt like this was the correct thing to do. That all the rage coming from Zero was good. At least he showed some real emotions. It had been a while Zero had done that with him.

They were in silence for a bit. Jude wanted to yell. Scream. Let out some steam. Tell Zero that he was wrong about everything and that he was actually the faulty one. But he couldn’t. Jude was frozen to his seat. Jammed. Zero didn’t know why. Maybe this was too soon. Rushed. Or maybe he was doing this way too late. Maybe this was something that Jude should have done a long time ago.

“Are you sure?” Zero asked, in a quiet voice. Some could describe it as weak. Fragile.

_Absolutely not._

“Yes.”

Zero nodded. Jude could see how he was fighting back the tears. He didn’t know what to say. Apologizing felt weird. Asking for forgiveness or truce were out of the question.

“Send that file to my lawyer. He’ll go through it,” Zero said, now turned away from Jude. His voice was trembling. Hearing it hurt.

Zero was about to leave the room, but stopped on his tracks when his left hand was already on the door handle. He froze for a moment. Then he backed up to the table and took off his ring. Zero laid it on the table and the sound it made felt harsh. Loud. Painful.

Then it was just Jude and the ring. He looked at his own hand. He had no idea where his wedding band was. Maybe that was a sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my lil ducklings. Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment!
> 
> Stay safe <3


	11. Calm down, sweetheart

“I appreciate the thought, but I’m not sure is this really _me_ , sweetheart,” Zero said.

Alyssa frowned and shook her head at that; “It’s called selfcare. Caring for yourself. And that’s what _we_ need dad.”

“Tell me again why _I_ have to participate in this?” Elias asked, unamused.

“You’re both so ungrateful. I swear. Shut up or go,” Alyssa said. Zero didn’t have the energy to tell her to tone down the attitude. He didn’t care that much either.

Zero had gotten the kids last night. He had driven straight to home from that damned lawyer’s office and told them to pack up. Kids had been happy to come with him, even if Elias had kept saying that he wasn’t going to take sides in this, so he just did what he was told. Which was what Zero wanted as well. He wouldn’t use the kids as pawn or try to get revenge though them. That would have been an unacceptable thing to do.

Alyssa had decided that they all needed to cheer up, so she wanted to have this so called ‘selfcare day’. Which essentially meant that she had forced Zero and Elias to do all kinds of skin care things, drink homemade cucumber water and watch bad reality TV. It was fun enough and Zero couldn’t help but to love the effort she tried to put in making him feel better. Even if these things were a bit teenage-y and definitely not what Zero would have done by himself.

Elias was laying on the sofa with a green clay mask on his face. Alyssa was busy covering Zero’s face with the same stuff. It was cold and smelled pretty bad, but he let her do her thing. Nothing bad would come out it so what the hell. He could do it.

“I’m not gonna open the door to the delivery guy like this by the way. One of you will have to do that,” Zero declared. That was where he drew the line. He wouldn’t have himself photographed with this on his face and have that be plastered all over the internet.

“We just ordered the pizzas. It won’t get here for ages. You only have to have the mask on for ten minutes,” Alyssa assured and cleaned her hands on a towel before stepping away from Zero; “All done!”

Elias groaned when Alyssa gestured for him to make space for her at the sofa, but he did so anyway. Alyssa let Elias lay his head on her lap and she went straight to playing with his hair, which made Elias complain even more.

“Have you thought about getting braids again?” Alyssa asked and twisted Elias’s hair.

“No. Girls like it better like this,” Elias said and slapped Alyssa’s hand in order to get her to stop doing whatever she had been up to. The kids started their usual snickering and Zero let himself zone out of the discussion.

Yesterday’s events kept circling in his mind. How cold Jude had been. How he had played it like it was nothing. Divorce. Zero couldn’t believe it. Never in million years would he have thought that Jude was ready to go that far. Sure, they had had issues and things hadn’t been going well, but it still came as a massive surprise. Zero didn’t know how to feel about it. He was mad, but also crushed. Utterly crushed into tiny little pieces.

Zero was able to keep himself together in front of the kids. Smile and even laugh at their jokes. Talk. Be a part of whatever this was. He wasn’t doing it to make himself look strong or tough or whatever. He did it because the kids needed someone stable now. Someone who was normal. Or something normal. That was why Zero agreed to this kind of a hangout situation, even if he wanted to cry his eyes out in bed. It wouldn’t have been fair to the kids. They deserved better.

To be frank Zero had absolutely no respect for Jude at the moment. Bringing a strange man into their house when the kids were there? Before they had even had a conversation about all of this. Yet alone told the kids what was going on. Beyond unacceptable. Zero didn’t believe for a second that Jude hadn’t slept with him. How stupid Jude thought he was?

In a way it all made sense now. How Jude had been sulking around. He must have been feeling guilty. Or that was what Zero hoped for. That he still had some compassion. How Jude had kept disappearing and lying. Zero felt so stupid for not making that obvious connection before. It had crossed his mind, but Zero had kept telling himself that that wasn’t it. Oh, how idiotic and blind he had been.

“Dad? Are you okay?” Elias asked. He looked worried. Fuck.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t you worry son.” Zero tried to sound as steady as possible. He feared that this voice would start trembling. It was the first sign of weakness.

Elias sat up, looking concerned. This was exactly what Zero had wanted to avoid. Getting the kids all into this mess. Maybe bringing them up here had been a bad idea. No, they had seemed to be happy to get out of the house. Zero was trying to do the good thing here. Easier said than done though.

“You’re allowed to feel bad you know. It’s okay. We aren’t little babies anymore,” Elias said. It was heart-wrenching. They were so young.

Zero had to take a deep breath before answering. The kids getting all compassionate on him was just a bit too sweet.

“I know. Look your dad and I are working through something now. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’s not something that you two have to worry about. We just want what’s best for you, okay,” Zero tried to assure. Elias looked skeptical. Alyssa bit her lip. She looked sad. Like a kicked puppy.

And like that the subject was dropped. Zero was thankful for that. He could talk about this later, but right now it was too much. He hadn’t had time to process this on his own. And Zero had no idea how to bring up the divorce to the kids. He wanted to make sure that he was in the same page with Jude before telling them. Only problem was that Zero couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Jude at the moment.

Zero was happy when Alyssa told him to go wash his face. It gave him a chance to lock himself away for a moment. Literally. Zero decided to go to his room’s bathroom, even if the one downstairs was much nicer. Hearing the lock click felt good. Zero’s shoulders dropped. He hadn’t even noticed how much he had been tensing them. His muscles would be sore tomorrow.

Cold water felt good against Zero’s skin. Sometimes he wondered what drowning would feel like. He had heard that it was calm way to go after the panic would wash over. He wasn’t suicidal. It was just a thought. In a life like this anyone would ponder about what it would be like if it all ended. If all the pressure would go away. The pain. All the attention that Zero graved so dearly.

Zero feared the media in moments like this. The power that they hold was tremendous. Unmatched. It could be one’s greatest asset, but for Zero media had always been his biggest enemy. Or maybe not always, but most of the time. Zero had learned how to control himself in front of a preying eye. He could handle it. Jude had never been as smooth. He was the weak link. It was terrifying. Jude knew all about him. Absolutely everything. One interview could wreck what was left of his reputation. Zero was afraid of it.

Alyssa had told Zero who the guy at their house was. Noah being a sports reporter was not a good thing. It was scary. Oh how he prayed that Jude wasn’t a bad judge of character in this case as well. Letting a reporter into their family home? Where Jude’s office doors were never locked? Where one could dig up all photographs that they had. Their lives were out in the open there. Noah could have a field trip in their drawers and get to know their secrets. Nothing would prevent him front going public with the information he’d be able to gather. Zero could only hope that he wouldn’t do that.

Thinking about Noah made Zero angry. Technically he wasn’t the devil, but Zero couldn’t help but to hate him. It wasn’t fair to anyone, he knew that. Still the thought of Noah anywhere near Jude made Zero’s blood boil. Alyssa had run his mouth to Zero about everything she had seen. She had said that Noah had been sleeping in _their_ bedroom. He had been quiet and restricted. Zero had no idea was that a bad or good thing. Impossible to tell. Zero had never met the guy.

One thing that Zero had no idea when all of this started. He had tried to pinpoint one turning point, but he couldn’t. Things had been going downhill for a while. Zero wanted to blame Jude for ruining their marriage. But it wasn’t right. It just wasn’t. Zero knew he wasn’t flawless. When Jude said that Zero was shutting him out, Zero had gotten mad. How dared he say such a thing. But upon thinking about it, Zero realized that Jude was right. No matter how much it pained him to think.

Zero hadn’t been the best partner lately. He had been focusing on the kids and his own hobbies. But Jude hadn’t exactly tried to put the effort in either. Both of them had been acting stupid. Zero had a feeling that Jude didn’t see his own flaws. Or maybe he did and that was why he was being like this. Spiraling. Really, he had no idea Zero couldn’t recall the last time that they had had a proper, civil conversation. One of them always got mad or hurt. Or both.

Zero’s soul-searching was interrupted by a knock on the door. How long had he been in there? God, he had no idea. For too long, clearly.

“The pizzas are here,” Alyssa said through the door. Zero rushed to open it. He didn’t need her thinking that he was shutting her out as well. Literally.

“I’ll come down with you,” Zero said and closed the door after himself.

Alyssa nodded, but made no effort to go. They stood still for a moment. Zero had a feeling that they wouldn’t be going down anytime soon. His suspicion was fast confirmed.

“You are getting divorced, aren’t you?” Alyssa asked. Zero had no idea what to say. Probably. He didn’t know yet. Not if he could choose, but in California Jude could force the divorce even if Zero didn’t sign the papers. If Jude really wanted to go through with it, it would be better for Zero to agree.

Zero guided Alyssa to sit down on the bed with him. Alyssa avoided eye contact. 

“Dad wouldn’t have let that guy to our home if it wasn’t for that, right? And you don’t have your ring. And the way you came to pick us yesterday. And I talked with Elias and he said that he saw Ju-,”

“Calm down, sweetheart,” Zero said and rubbed Alyssa’s back. She was starting to hyperventilate. It was making Zero anxious. He couldn’t lie to her to save his life. And he didn’t even want to. But he didn’t want to hurt her either.

They sat in silence for a bit. Alyssa had started to cry. Tears had made her whole face wet and it took everything in Zero not to break down as well. He let Alyssa to lay her head on his shoulder. She was so small.

Zero heard steps coming up the stairs. It was probably Elias looking for them. Zero called him to come in to the bedroom as well.

“What’s going on?” Elias asked, looking baffled. Zero tapped the bed and told him to sit down as well. Here goes nothing, then.

“I’m going to be honest with you now. I don’t know what is going to happen. Jude and I have talked about getting divorced. Nothing has been decided,” Zero said. He tried his best to sound strong and firm. It was hard and not working very well, he could tell from the look on Elias’s face.

Elias nodded slightly; “I’m not surprised. Dad’s been kind of a dickhead lately.”

_Agreed._

“Don’t talk about your dad like that,” Zero ordered. He wouldn’t bad mouth Jude with their kids. That would’ve been too much. Out of line.

Alyssa leaned back from Zero’s shoulder. She dried her face on the bottom of her shirt.

“But it’s true,” Alyssa chimed in. She frowned, looking angry; “I don’t think he likes me very much.”

“That’s not true. Jude loves both you. Don’t be silly,” Zero assured. He knew that Jude loved them. It was just hard for him sometimes. Zero understood it, even if it frustrated him.

Alyssa rolled her eyes at that; “You know men like dad are the reason people have daddy issues.”

Zero choked on his own breath. What the hell was she talking about? And she was _a child_. That wasn’t-, it just-, no.

“You didn’t just say that!” Elias was quicker to react.

“I said what I said,” Alyssa shot back, not even seeing to care. Tears were filling up her eyes again; “I’m not saying that he’s a terrible father. But you have to admit that he’s never there. Or if he is it’s not for you, it’s for _him_. I’m fed up with it.”

Zero had no idea what to say. He didn’t want Alyssa to talk about Jude in such fashion, but he wanted the kids to feel like they could express their emotions safely out loud. What was he supposed to do? Tell her that she was correct? That would have been a direct attack on Jude. Even if she had a point. Jude had always been more absent than Zero was. He worked long days and didn’t have as much time for them. But he couldn’t say that to the kids. Or could he? No.

Alyssa’s crying was getting more intense again. Her jaw was shaking. It was hard to watch.

“Hey, hey, Ally, look at me. It’s okay. It’s okay,” Zero said. Alyssa shook her head.

“How can you say that? How are you _okay_ with any of this?” Alyssa’s voice broke at the end of the question.

Now Zero was really fighting back the tears; “I’m not okay. Yeah? I’m not. But it’s out of my hands. I’m sorry.”

Tear rolled down his cheek. He couldn’t help it. He was everything but _okay_. If Zero could have chosen, he would have gone into hiding. Disappeared. Run away. Made sure no one knew where he was. But he couldn’t. He had spent enough time running in his youth. He had a family now. Broken one, but one that he cared for. That he loved. So he was out of options.

“Take it easy, pops,” Elias said and put his hand on Zero’s shoulder. It felt nice. Assuring. Even if Zero felt that it should have been the other way around. He was the one who was supposed to take care of the kids.

Elias looked like he was about to break into tears as well. And he did. Zero gestured both him and Alyssa to come sit closer to himself. He wrapped his arms around their shoulders, squeezing them softly.

“It will be alright. Yeah? Things might be hard now, but it will be alright,” Zero told them in a low voice. It was easier to talk like that. Softly.

“Do you promise?” Alyssa asked. She always asked that. And Zero had always kept his promises.

“I promise,” Zero let tears stream down his face; “No matter what happens. I got you. Both of you.”

Elias leaned back and wiped his face on his shirtsleeves. He looked shattered. Zero understood it. He was worried what this would do to him. He had been let down so many times as a little kid. Zero knew what it felt like. What it could do to a person. Elias had made so much progress. It was a terrifying thought that it all would go to waste.

They sat there for a while. Alyssa’s sobbing died down and Zero was able to collect himself as well. Maybe they’d pull through this together. The kids were strong. Sometimes too strong. But seeing them like this gave Zero hope. They let themselves be vulnerable – and so did he. Being honest about the things one felt was important. It had taken a long time for Zero to learn that. He had learned it from Jude. Which was ironic, because he was the one who hadn’t been honest. But that was beside the point.

Jude and Zero had fought a lot about how Zero shut down. How Zero tried to shield Jude from his demons. How Zero controlled his emotions to a dangerous extent. He had grown. He wasn’t like that anymore. Not with people who mattered. Zero was scared that Jude had learned the opposite from him. It was a painful thought.

  
“Should we go to eat those pizzas?” Elias asked. Oh yeah, they had those. Zero had completely forgotten about them.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Zero said and squeezed Alyssa’s arm as he got up.

Three of them walked to the living room where the TV was still on and some reality drama was playing out. They didn’t talk much apart from little remarks and jokes about the show. It felt nice. Normal. Which was nice. It had been a while since they had done something normal as a family. Zero tried not to think about how he was already excluding Jude from their family.

Maybe it would be alright. If Zero just kept telling that to himself. Over and over again. It. Will. Be. Alright.

It will be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweetie pies!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Tell me what you thought in the comments!
> 
> Stay safe <3


	12. Sneaking Out

**ONE YEAR EARLIER**

“DAAAAAADS! Eli BIT me!” Alyssa screamed from the backseat. She didn’t seem to realize that they were in small closed space.

“I did not! I said that I _would_ bite you if you don’t keep your hands off my Cheetos!” Elias corrected his sister. Jude couldn’t help but to roll his eyes. Sometimes he wondered how it was possible that the kids still fought just like they had when they were little. Zero said that it was normal sibling banter, but Jude didn’t understand it at all. But he had never had siblings of any kind.

Zero turned to look at the kids and told them to shut their mouths and eat their own snacks. Alyssa kept complaining, so Jude let himself to get zoned out of the discussion. Zero was handling it fine.

Their plane had landed in Ohio few hours ago. The flight had dragged. It had felt like it took forever. Mostly due to the turbulence and awful food, but partly it was because Jude was nervous. Visiting his mother always made Jude tense. He had no idea why. They had a decent mother-son relationship. There was no bad blood between them. Maybe it was because Jude felt guilty for not visiting more often.

It had been six months since their last visit. They had spent the Christmas over at Jude’s mother’s house. They did that most years. A family Christmas. It was nice enough. Neither Jude or Zero had much of extended family – actually it was only Jude’s mom, since Zero wasn’t in contact with his sister and Jude would rather drink bleach than talk to Oscar. Kids liked visiting their only grandmother and it was one of those “normal family” -things they tried to give to them. It was difficult to offer them things like that.

Visiting his childhood home always made Jude feel odd. His boyhood had been okay. Times had been rough after Oscar left, but Jude didn’t remember much of that. He had been five or six. Young, nonetheless. Jude remembered the apartment they had lived in Los Angeles before his mother decided that they would be better off if they moved back to Ohio. Oscar had never come back with them.

Driving down to Jude’s old hometown felt out of place. It didn’t feel like a real place. Seeing all the same old signs and building felt the same as going to a strange gas station at night or being at a playground after dark. Jude couldn’t really describe the feeling. In a way it was as if none of this was real. Like it was a simulation he accidentally entered. A stage front where actors wandered aimlessly.

Nothing had changes since Jude’s childhood. His old high school still stood on its place, grey as ever. The supermarkets had only changed names since big chains had bought all of them. Same bars with same broken neon signs. It all made Jude feel uneasy. He would hate living here. In a small town where literally nothing happened and only shift that occurred was the change of seasons. There was a reason why Jude had sought a way out.

Zero squeezed Jude’s hand when they turned to the street Jude’s mother lived at. He knew about the mixed feeling Jude had. He understood. Jude was grateful for that, because sometimes he felt like he didn’t even get himself. So, it was nice to have someone who didn’t ask any questions but listened. Empathized. Jude loved that about Zero. No one understood Jude like Zero did. That was why Jude didn’t even feel the need to explain everything he felt to him. Zero knew. He always did.

The house was nice. Gray house with white window frames. The US flag was hung on the side of the porch. Jude didn’t understand why his mother insisted on having it up, but then again almost everyone in this neighborhood had one. Flowerbed against the wall was full of white gardenias. They were his mother’s favorites. Jude had passed out drunk on top of them once as a teenager and his mother had been devastated. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments.

“Now you two are better to be on your best behavior. No talking back and no fighting, okay? Remember what we talked about. If you don’t behave then it’s gonna be bye bye to the vacation in Aruba,” Zero threatened. Blackmail and intimidation, the base of healthy parenting.

Elias scoffed; “As if you’d skip it.”

“You bet I wouldn’t. I just wouldn’t take you two with me to ruin my happy days in the sun,” Zero laughed. It was just a joke. They all knew it. Zero let go of Jude’s hand and opened his seat belt; “Now put on your smiley faces and let’s go.”

“Lionel told me that I should never smile if a man told me to,” Alyssa said cheekily as she put her shoes back on. She had taken them off the second they had gotten into the car.

“And she’s right, sweetheart. Never do anything for a guy – except for me and your dad. We fund your living, so you do what I say,” Zero said. Jude could almost hear Alyssa rolling her eyes. Jude knew exactly where she had picked up her sass from.

They got their bags from the trunk of the car and Zero took the chance to prove how he was still strong as a bull by carrying three bags at once. He was ridiculous. Jude walked behind everyone else. It was weird being back here. The smell of the gardenias reminded him of his childhood. He visited too rarely. Last time he was here the ground had been covered by snow.

Alyssa went in first. She didn’t bother with knocking, but Jude knew his mother wouldn’t mind. It was okay. The door squeaked a little when it opened. They had time to take their shoes off before Jude’s mother appeared from the kitchen. She was wearing an apron and her hair was on a ponytail. Like always.

“Oh you’re here already! How was the drive? You must be exhausted!” She started and kept waffling on as she gave each of them a hug; “Oh Eli how you’ve grown! Such a charm. You must be fighting off girls left and right! _Or boys_ , of course. It’s not the 1980s anymore is it. And oh my sweet little Alyssa you’re such a sight for sore eye, yes you are. Zero you too! I swear you get younger by the day!”

Zero smiled at the compliment: “I wish, but these two keep giving me gray hairs.” He gestured towards the kids, who both frowned. Jude was happy that they kept their mouths shut though.

“It’s nice to see you again Valerie.” Jude was never not amazed by how pleasant and charming Zero could sound.

Jude wished that he wasn’t as stiff he was when he bent down to hug his mother. She was a short woman. It was a miracle that Jude had became tall since neither of his parents were. Otherwise Jude looked much like his mother. Valerie had dark wavy hair and sharp features. Same blue eyes that looked darker than they actually were. As a child Jude had hated it how similar their looks were. It was probably because he had wanted to be more like Oscar. What a terrifying thought.

“Thank you for coming,” Valerie said into Jude’s ear when they hugged. Her soft, gentle tone squeezed Jude’s heart. He felt bad for being away for so long again.

Valerie told them to take their things into their rooms and then come straight back to kitchen. She had been cooking for ages again, Jude knew. Jude and Zero would be sleeping in his old room and kids would have to share the only quest room. They didn’t mind it. They could get along if they wanted to.

Jude’s room wasn’t very big. Everything was just like it had been when he had left for college at eighteen. Basketball posters still up on the walls. Few basketball trophies and medals from high school getting dusty on a high shelf. Jude had been a good player, but not good enough to make anything of himself in the big courts. At one-point Jude had dreamed of breaking it as a player and one day playing for the Devils. Mostly just to impress Oscar.

“You okay?” Zero asked and dropped their bags by the bed. He looked concerned.

“Yeah, it’s just- you know. Weird being back,” Jude tried. It was hard to describe this feeling. Zero walked up to him and placed his arms around Jude’s waist.

“I know. Whole lotta history here,” Zero said in a low, husky voice and swayed himself against Jude’s. Jude rolled his eyes. _Dumbass_.

“Not what I meant,” Jude said, but couldn’t help but smile. Zero probably knew that the best way to get Jude to chill was to joke about it. He was right. It helped.

Jude leaned back. They couldn’t do anything now and he sure as hell didn’t need Zero making him all flustered before they even made it to the dinner table. Zero let go but winked at Jude before walking out of the room. What a man.

The dinner was pleasant even if it took forever. Hours went by easily when they updated Valerie on Alyssa and Elias’s school stuff and what was going on with the Devils. Valerie told them about all the gossips she knew about the neighbors and went though the usual news about how someone had gotten married or had a kid or how someone’s mother had died. Normal stuff. It was nice in a way. How mundane the things that happened here were. In Los Angeles everything moved in much more rapid phase. But Jude liked that.

Zero kept petting Jude’s leg throughout the dinner. Few times he stroked Jude’s thigh in a way that sent shivers down his spine and Jude had to move his hand away. It was a family dinner for God’s sake. Not that he really minded. Jude just didn’t want anyone to caught them because he would never hear the end of it.

After stuffing themselves for hours they moved to the living room. Valerie had found some old VHS tapes from when Jude was in middle school and high school and she insisted on watching them together. The videos were sweet, Jude gave her that much. Snaps from his prom where he wore a tux that was way too big. Video of horrified Valerie filming Jude’s frosted tips from a time when they were the coolest thing ever.

“How old are you in this?” Zero asked.

“Sixteen, I think. Or maybe fifteen,” Jude answered.

This video was taken at a lake not too far away from the house. It had been the first weekend after the summer break had started. Almost whole school had been there. One of his friends had taken the camera and filmed them laying on the rocks. Jude was next to a guy named Owen. He had had a major crush on him, but he hadn’t admitted that to anyone at the time. Not even himself. Watching his teenage self was odd. Jude had been such a different person then. Naïve.

Zero played with Jude’s fingers. They were clinging to each other in a big armchair. Jude was practically just laying on top of Zero. It was nice. Cozy. Elias had asked them for once to act their age and not to be disgusting. One day he would understand.

“Where is that place?” Zero asked quietly so that only Jude could hear it. Zero’s hot breath tingled the skin on Jude’s neck.

“Few miles South from here. It’s called Walsrey Lake,” Jude answered.

Zero kissed Jude’s neck and rubbed the tip of his nose against Jude’s head. It was cute. Jude couldn’t help but to feel giddy. Never in a million years would he had thought that one day he would be with his husband in this house. He had been in such denial about his sexuality for so long. At one point he had genuinely thought that he didn’t even have a sexuality, because even the idea of being gay had been so terrifying. Jude was glad that he had grown up.

“Oh my god dad is that a beer can?!” Alyssa exclaimed and pointed at the open bag in the video.

“I knew you weren’t a saint!” Elias said and then turned to Jude and Zero; “I’m sixteen now. Can I have a beer as well?”

“No way,” Zero deadpanned. Elias complained something about double-standards and how he never got any nice things, but he was mostly ignored. Valerie told him that Jude had been a bit of a party boy and gotten grounded for it many times which wasn’t entirely true.

Jude had been drinking in high school, that was quite obvious. But he had never liked the parties. That was probably why he had drunk. None of the kids here had understood him. Jude had always felt like an outcast. Sure, he had had friends. He was popular enough because he was good at basketball and relatively handsome. But he had never felt like he belonged. Especially at parties he had felt left out even though be had been there. So he drank. To fit in and to forget how he felt like this wasn’t his place. Jude was glad that it had not become a problem. Otherwise he would be just like every other screw-up in this town.

It was funny in a way. How lost Jude had felt. Alone. Abandoned by everyone. And now he had a family of his own. A job where he was greatly respected. Power. Great kids. A partner he could share it all with. It was amazing. Everything he had ever dreamed of. Thinking about his life felt crazy. Things that were now normal for him had one day felt impossible to achieve. But he had. He had made it.

***

“Jude, hey Jude. Wake up,” Zero whispered into Jude’s ear.

Jude rubbed his eyes. The room was dark except for a small table lamp that cast a yellow light on Zero’s skin.

“What are you doing?” Jude asked. He tried to speak softly, but his voice was hoarse from sleeping.

“Get up. We’re going on a trip,” Zero said. Jude realized that he was wearing normal day clothes, not the pajamas he had put on before coming to bed.

“What are you talking about? Where? What about the kids?” Jude was confused. _A trip?_

Zero shoved the covers away from Jude and told him to put on some clothes. The kids would apparently be fine with Valerie and it wasn’t like anything would happen to them while they were sound asleep in their beds. This was a small town in Ohio, not Los Angeles. Zero was right, they would be okay.

“I’ll wait outside,” Zero promised and gave a quick kiss on Jude’s forehead before walking out of the room.

Jude heard how Zero managed to step every squeaky floorboard. What an amateur. Jude had all the noisy steps memories by heart. It had been useful knowledge in his teenage years.

It didn’t take long for Jude to get dressed. His thoughts were running wild. Where were they going? And why at this hour? This wasn’t what Zero usually did. He was always very organized. Not spontaneous soul at all. Or well, occasionally.

Jude made it to the door before a voice called from behind of him.

“Sneaking out? Aren’t you a bit old for that?”

Valerie was standing by the living room door wearing a worn-out robe. Jude was convinced that it must have been as old as he was. He had vivid memories of his mother wearing it in his childhood.

“No! I’m just, uh, yeah. We’ll be back in a bit,” Jude stumbled on his words, suddenly feeling like a kid again. It was odd how easily his mother managed to make him act like he was still fourteen.

Valerie smiled softly; “I know. I talked to Zero earlier.”

Valerie walked up to Jude and straightened the collar of is polo shirt. She stroked hairs off his forehead in a fond movement. Jude tried not to flinch. He hated how hard it was for him to be relaxed around his mother.

“I’m really happy for you, son. He’s a good man. A bit rough around the edges, but he’s good for you.”

Jude had never gotten used to his mother talking about Zero. Or men in general. She had been pretty okay when Jude had gotten the guts to tell her that he was gay, but he knew it had been a tough pill for her to swallow at first. Valerie had never said a bad word about it. She didn’t need to. Jude had picked up the cues. She had been wonderful about Zero and the kids for ages, but Jude still feared that she’d do a 180 and reject them. The fear was mostly due to Oscar disowning him.

“I know he is, mom,” Jude said. It meant a lot to him that Valerie accepted Zero. She rarely said that. Or maybe it was just that they didn’t talk much in general.

Valerie smiled and cupped Jude’s face softly. She brushed he thumb over Jude’s cheek. Jude took a deep breath.

“I’m really proud of you, Jude. You know I’ve always been so scared for you. Ever since you were a little kid. It’s a cruel world. And you were always so, -so delicate. It’s not a bad thing, honey. Not at all. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just glad you didn’t turn up like your father. Helps me sleep at night. Knowing that you’re better than that.” Valerie spoke in a quiet voice.

Jude had no idea what to say. Thank you felt too official. Weird. Jude was still processing everything that was going on. Valerie giving him this big speech was a bit too much. He was glad to get off the hook when the car’s headlights went on. It was his cue to go.

“Go have fun,” Valerie said and tapped Jude on his shoulder; “Stay safe. See you in the morning.”

With that she sent Jude on his way.

It was cool outside. Not cold, but the light breeze against Jude’s skin made him wish that he had a jacket with him. Zero was sitting in the car, smiling at Jude. There was something wicked in his eyes. Jude liked it. The devious look in Zero’s face made butterflies fly in his stomach. Jude hated to admit it, but Zero’s bad boy vibe was a massive turn on for him. Would be for anybody, he thought.

“Ready?” Zero asked as Jude got into the car.

“Ready.” Jude answered. Zero squeezed Jude’s thigh before turning on the engine. Jude loved it what Zero’s profile looked like when he turned his head to reverse.

Music was playing on a high volume when they drove through the speakers. Zero had rolled the windows down and the cool breeze was messing up Jude’s hair. He didn’t mind it. It was actually kind of nice. He couldn’t remember the last time he had done something this carefree. It had been a while. Between work and family, he didn’t have much downtime. He wasn’t complaining, but this was nice.

Jude had quickly realized where they were going. Walsrey Lake was pretty much the only thing in this direction. Jude was quite impressed by how confidently Zero was driving without a navigator to a place he had never been to. But he was like that. Memorized things easily. Zero had probably just googled how to drive there.

It was dark at the lake. Jude could barely see anything after Zero turned off the headlights. His eyes would probably get used to it. Zero was the first to get off the car.

“You coming?” Zero asked and took off his shirt. His figure looked great in the faint moonlight. Jude loved how clearly the stars shined here. He missed seeing them in LA.

“I don’t have a swimsuit,” Jude said stupidly.

“That’s like the whole point. Come on,” Zero laughed and walked up to Jude.

Zero leaned so close to Jude that he had to take steps back until his back was against the car. Zero opened Jude’s belt silently. Jude tried not to smile as widely as he did. He loved it when Zero acted like this. The belt clinked as it fell somewhere on the ground. It was unnecessary to take off completely, but Zero loved the dramatics, Jude knew.

“Take off your shirt,” Zero ordered, hands firmly on Jude’s sides under the shirt. Jude did as he was told.

“Happy?” Jude was almost whispering. He was getting flustered.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Zero said. He yanked Jude’s pants down an inch or two by his belt before letting go of him entirely. _What a tease_.

Jude was fast to kick off his shoes and take off the rest of his clothes. Zero had been much quicker than him and was already walking into the water. The rock felt harsh under Jude’s feet. He hated walking bare foot.

Water was freezing cold. Jude couldn’t comprehend how Zero had just casually walked in there. Horrifying. He had water up to his knees and he was ready to turn back. Zero laughed when Jude told him that there was no way he’d be diving in there. Nope.

“I’ll come get you then,” Zero threatened, sounding amused. He was swimming back and stood up few yards away from Jude.

“Don’t you dare to touch me! No! Stop it your hands are so cold. ZERO!” Jude had no heat in his voice, but he was half-serious. Zero’s skin felt icy.

Zero wrapped his arms around Jude and practically carried him deeper into the water. There was definitely some cons on him being made of muscle. He stopped when there was water up to their hips. Jude didn’t mind it so much after feeling a hot kiss on his neck. Zero let Jude stand on his own feet but kept pulling him close.

“You’re a horrible person,” Jude whispered to Zero’s amusement.

“I know,” Zero said. He grabbed hold of the back of Jude’s head and pulled him into a kiss.

Jude couldn’t help but to give in. His fingers were pressed tightly against Zero’s skin and for a moment he forgot how to breathe. Zero had one of his hands on the back of Jude’s head and the other was pulling him closer by his lower back. Jude loved the way their hips were rocking against each other.

There was something about Zero acting like this that made Jude’s heart race. Jude felt blood rushing trough his veins and he was getting a bit lightheaded. It was nice. Intense. Zero let go of his head and pulled back just enough for the both of them to be able to gasp for air. Jude felt Zero’s warm breath on his chest.

They stood there, dead on their place for a moment. Zero brushed his hands against Jude’s arms, as if he was attempting to warm his up. It did little to no good, but it was a sweet gesture.

“Ready?” Zero asked softly. Jude smiled even though Zero wouldn’t be able to see it.

“For what?” Jude asked for clarification.

Zero leaned closer to Jude again. He placed his palms against Jude’s shoulders, rubbing them with his thumbs. Jude went in for a kiss. Except he hadn’t time to reach Zero’s sweet lips. Zero let Jude to be an inch apart from him before forcefully shoving Jude back. Jude lost his balance and closed his eyes just in time before going under water.

Water felt even colder than before, and it run down Jude’s spine as he got up from under water. Zero was laughing few yards away. He had been smart enough to escape so Jude couldn’t revenge too easily.

“I can’t believe you just did that! Oh my god, why?” Jude cried out. He wasn’t mad, just slightly annoyed. He’d have his pay back soon enough.

“What are you gonna do? _Divorce me?_ ” Zero laughed and took rapid steps back as Jude got closer to him. As if he would ever do that. Saying that was almost a running gag at this point.

Jude didn’t have any other option but to swim up to Zero. He had had time to go so deep that Jude’s feet no longer touched the bottom of the lake. Zero didn’t fight back when Jude pushed him under water.

“Jesus that’s cold!” Zero complained as he resurfaced.

“Yeah no shit, stupid,” Jude said and swam away from Zero to avoid getting shoved back underwater as well. One time was okay, but he didn’t have an urge to repeat the experience. Zero seemed to agree. He laughed and shook his head. Tiny drops of water hit Jude as he did that.

They swam for a bit, occasionally splashing water at each other and trying to avoid getting too close to one another. It soon became too cold for them to stand the temperature of water. Jude had a feeling that his lips were slowly turning blue.

Zero was first to get up from water. He waited for Jude to follow him to the rock. Jude took Zero’s hand as he got to him. It was cold and clammy, but he didn’t care. Zero squeezed Jude’s hand. It felt almost like an apology for the play-fight he had started.

“I love you,” Zero said. Jude could see him smiling. His eyes had gotten used to the dusk. Water gleamed on his skin. Zero looked beautiful in the faint light.

“I love you too, stupid,” Jude answered softly. Zero squeezed his hand one more time before letting go.

“Should we test the backseat?” Zero asked in a husky voice. Jude felt hoe excitement started to bubble in his stomach again. He could forgive Zero for breaking their moment earlier. He didn’t mind. Not anymore.

“Oh, hell yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! I'm sorry for playing with your emotions like this, but yay happy!zude 
> 
> I'm going on a vacation next week, so I won't be uploading a new chapter since I won't have my laptop with me. But no worries, I'm not dropping this or disappearing. I just wanted to let you guys know. In the meantime you can follow me and get in contact with me on tumblr here; https://bondove.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Please leave a comment! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Stay safe <3


	13. Take Your Time

Zero was feeling uneasy. He was only few blocks away from their house. It had been two weeks since he had gotten the kids to their beach house. He hadn’t been back since – frankly he didn’t want to go back now either, but he had to. Zero had left most of his belongings in their house. Buying new clothes and cosmetics and shoes wasn’t an issue. He was fortunate enough to have all the money he needed. But they weren’t the same.

Zero missed all the small things from home. His worn-out Gucci slippers, that he always wore in the house. The sheets that had gotten soft from being washed so many times. His favorite coffee mug and cereal bowl. That dumb box he had to put his keys into or else couldn’t find them anywhere. All the framed pictures they had up on the wall. The armchair that Zero always watched TV in. But those weren’t what he needed to get.

After Jude had had the audacity to drop the divorce bomb Zero had been a mess. Now that the worst shock had washed over, he saw things clearer. In Zero’s humble opinion, Jude had lost his goddamn mind. Zero had been taken a back by his actions lately and he needed to be ready in case Jude would decide to go completely off the rails.

All the important papers and documents Zero had were in that house. Jude could screw him over big time by destroying some of them. Obviously Zero had put back up copies in a safe-deposit box in the bank, but Jude had access to those as well. Zero wasn’t sure what he was afraid of. He wanted to believe that things wouldn’t get any crazier, but Jude was unpredictable. Whatever happened, Zero didn’t want his life to go belly-up. Or even worse, have Jude mess with the kids any further.

Zero hadn’t talked to Jude in days. No, it was longer than that. For maybe like week. Zero was hurt. He couldn’t even begin to describe how badly Jude’s actions had offended him. It was almost like Jude was trying to insult him with all of this. That his only motivation was to make Zero feel and look as bad as could. That was probably not the case, but Zero’s ego was bruised. And so were his feelings. Which was why Zero allowed himself to sulk and exaggerate. 

Zero had sent a message to Jude saying that he would be coming to pack some of their things with the kids. Jude hadn’t answered. In fact, Zero doubt that he had even seen the message. For what Zero knew Jude was busy banging his toyboy and running from the cameras. Maybe it wasn’t exactly like that, but Zero was pissed. And rightfully so.

The van was already there on the driveway, when Zero pulled up to the house. Seeing it stung in Zero’s stomach. This was really happening. Even with the anger burning in his mind, the dominating feeling he had was sorrow. Never could he have thought that their perfect little life would go down the drain in such way. Zero didn’t let himself to keep up hope. Nothing good ever came out of hoping. Never. He wasn’t about to go hurt himself any further than necessary.

“You don’t have to come in, if you don’t want to. We can get our stuff by ourselves. It’s fine,” Alyssa said from the back seat. Oh crap, he had been sitting there for too long.

“Don’t be silly, sweetie. Of course, I’ll come with you,” Zero said and tried his best not to clench his teeth. He turned off the engine and opened the door to get out. He hated everything about this.

Alyssa got off of the car as well, but Elias was clued to his seat. He was staring down at his hand. It was plain as a day that he was feeling uncomfortable. Zero found it a bit odd. Elias was usually very good at handling his emotions. Not that it was a bad thing to show emotion. Zero considered it to be very brave. But Elias wasn’t like that. He had three moods. Happy-go-lucky, a petty brat and anger. Elias had been moodier lately. Sensitive. Zero tried his best to handle him right, but to be honest he had no idea of what Elias needed at the moment. But at least he tried, unlike someone else.

“I’ll leave the keys for you. Put the air-con on if it gets hot,” Zero said and threw the keys on the driver’s seat; “Whenever you’re ready. Okay?”

Elias took a sharp breath and nodded frantically; “Yeah okay.”

Zero leaned back into the car to squeeze Elias’s shoulder; “Take your time, son.”

“Thanks dad,” Elias’s voice was shaking. Zero wasn’t sure was this a moment to go and give him space or offer a shoulder to lean on. He decided it was the first option. This wasn’t a good time for a heartfelt conversation. Alyssa and Jude were there and Zero wasn’t sure could he even keep himself together.

“Of course,” Zero said before slamming the door closed. Alyssa was already standing by the front doors, impatiently tapping her foot to the ground. Zero had a feeling that she didn’t want to be here either. They walked into the house together. Zero didn’t bother to call for Jude to check if he was in the house. It was his home after all, he didn’t need to act like a guest.

The house was weirdly clean. They never had real mess, but kids tended to leave their stuff laying around – Alyssa especially. And Zero might have done that as well. Sometimes. He wasn’t the neatest person in the world, he could admit that. But now everything was in order. Nothing was out of place. It felt weird. Soulless.

Alyssa went straight to her room. The moving company had carried empty boxes there, but she needed to pack by herself. This was _hopefully_ just temporary, so she didn’t need all of her stuff. Even if Alyssa had whined about not surviving without her whole wardrobe. She had to suck it up. Zero hadn’t phrased it like that, but it was the main idea.

Zero was getting nervous, when he walked up the stairs, headed to their bedroom. The last time he had been there, he had been furious and wishing that Jude would go straight to hell for disappearing. It hadn’t been a very nice night. The door squeaked softly. Zero had to oil the hinges sometime. If he was coming back home, that was.

Zero hated seeing the messy bed. A pillow was on the floor and the covers had just been tossed to the end of the bed. It was upsetting. The only damn thing in the house that wasn’t untouched was their bed. Zero caught himself clenching his fists. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Stay calm_. _Focus_. What did he need first? Zero decided to start in the bathroom. He needed only few items from there and he would forget about them if he didn’t start there. Zero hated how forgetful he was sometimes.

Unfortunately for Zero, he got company.

“Oh, you’re back alre-,” a light voice started, and Zero’s eyes found Noah laying in the bathtub. Their eyes met when Noah kept talking; “and you’re not Jude.”

Zero gestured towards himself, as if to say _no shit_. He didn’t know what to do. What could he do? This was the first time Zero was actually meeting Noah. He had known who he was – more or less because he had been stalking Noah on social media for days, trying to justify his fury. Zero wasn’t really blaming Noah for anything. Jude had cooked up this mess. Not that taking part in cheating was fine or anyway ethical, but Noah wasn’t the one in a relationship. Hopefully. Or maybe that would have been good and the two idiots were perfect for each other.

Zero’s ego jumped out again. He casually walked to the bathroom cabinet and opened a few doors, as if he was searching for something. In reality, seeing Noah had completely thrown him off and Zero couldn’t remember what the hell he had even been about to get from there. After maybe a half a minute of rattling through the cabinets and boxes, Zero heard Noah getting up from the bath. Zero wasn’t sure why, but he turned around to shamelessly observe Noah. Actually, he knew why. It was power play. Asserting dominance. And maybe checking out _what_ had possessed Jude to give up on their relationship.

Noah was lean and muscular. He was nicely built, Zero could see that. And he had a decent sized dick, not that Zero was looking. Zero could see the appeal. Noah seemed to get the memo of Zero’s powerplay and he walked confidently to get a towel. He wrapped it around his waist, but not too quickly as if to show that he wasn’t ashamed. That annoyed Zero. Confidence was sexy and all that which made Noah all more irritating.

“Are married men your type or is this the first rodeo?” Zero asked and crossed his arms on to his chest. He may or may have not been doing that just to flex his triceps.

“Look I know I’m not in the right side here, but I didn’t intend to come between the two of you,” Noah said. He had smooth voice. It irritated Zero.

“Oh yeah I get it. It must have been just an accident that you’ve been with my husband,” Zero let out a cold laugh; “And that you keep fucking in our bed. But you know, silly little accidents, aren’t they?”

Noah shook his head softly. He rubbed his elbow with his other hand before answering. Zero hated how casually he stood there, even though Zero had literally caught his without pants in his own goddamn bathtub. His dislike of this guy kept building up by the second.

“Quite assumptions you just made there. But I understand that. I take it that you want me to get the hell away from here?” Noah asked, but it came across as a statement rather than a question.

Zero cocked his eyebrows at that. He couldn’t believe this guy. Something about him really bugged Zero. Probably the part about his husband playing house with him. Thinking about that made rage in Zero rise again.

“Take your time. I won’t be staying,” Zero assured in an ice-cold voice. He wasn’t in a mood. Or maybe he was, because Zero couldn’t bring himself to move even if he wanted to get out of this house as quick as possible. More than that he wanted to knock Noah’s teeth in, but he would have to control himself. Violent outbursts were the last thing he wanted to be known for now.

Noah seemed to be taken by surprise, when Zero said that. He was clued on his feet, not making a move. They stared at each other for a moment, before Noah opened his mouth again.

“I don’t care for fighting or grunges. I’m not going to or trying to get in the middle,” Noah explained and Zero couldn’t but to scoff at that. Not getting in the middle? The audacity he had even just to _say_ that in this situation. Jesus Christ on the cross.

Zero didn’t have time to answer before Elias ran into the room, Jude quickly following behind him. Elias was looking furious. Zero had a feeling that he had fought with Jude outside before getting there.

“Gang’s all here, then,” Noah joked in a tense tone. He might have had a good intention, but that only provoked Zero further, and it seemed to do same to Elias.

“Fuck you,” Elias hissed at Noah, who just looked away and nodded. Stepping away, clearly.

Jude tried to take hold of Elias’s arm to calm him down, but he was violently shrugged away.

“Don’t touch me!” Elias ordered Jude who, to Zero’s surprise, repeated the action.

Elias reacted to that exactly like he always did. Elias swung his arm at Jude’s direction, thankfully not landing the hit. Zero knew that Elias didn’t mean it. He wasn’t a violent kid, but the unconsented touches made his freak out, especially when he was angry. Foster care had left a mark at him – like it had left a mark on Zero as well. The difference was that Zero was an adult and he had had plenty of time to learn how to control his emotions. Elias was just a teenager, whose family was getting torn apart. Of course, he had some control issues when he was mad - and now Elias looked livid.

Zero was fast to walk between the pair and he didn’t shy away from shoving Jude away from Elias. He wasn’t forceful. Being violent or hurting Jude wasn’t the intention. Zero just wanted to make space for Elias. That kid was being dragged through enough.

Elias was trembling. Zero hated this. He hated everything about this fucking situation. Noah had frozen to the corner of the room and Jude was slowly walking past Zero to him. Typical.

“Can I touch you?” Zero asked in a quiet voice from Elias, whose shaking was getting more and more intense. Zero hated it how far he went just to hold back tears.

“No.” Elias’s voice cracked. His eyes were getting wild. Poor boy.

“Okay,” Zero said and turned to Jude and Noah, who were now standing close together. Zero could understand why Noah was taken aback by this, but he was once again disappointed in Jude. That man was awfully bad in situations like this. Zero was, or had been, probably the only person Jude could calm down instead of pouring gasoline into the flames.

It took a good while for Elias to calm down. Zero had ordered both Jude and Noah to go and they had left without putting up a fight. Zero had heard how Jude had told Alyssa not to come in and the three of them had walked away. Now it was just Zero and Elias. They were sitting on the opposite sides of the bathroom floor. Elias had broken into tears quickly after Jude had left.

This wasn’t the first time this happened. Not the second or even the tenth. Elias used to spiral like this almost daily. Back when he was a little kid. Zero had understood it. He had been through it. They had sat like this on countless occasions. Sobs echoing in the room. It made Zero feel powerless. Torn. But he knew it was better to get it all out. He was like that as well. Bottled it all until everything smashed into pieces. That was probably why Jude had done what he had. Even if Zero hated to admit it.

Jude had always known that talking about feelings was very difficult for Zero. Zero had always played it like he was a cold person. Some might even go as far as saying that he was like a sociopath. That wasn’t the truth. Or the whole truth, to say the least. Zero was fragile. Easy to snap. Sensitive. He just hid it very well. Most of the times. With Jude it had been harder. The feeling that Zero had had for him had made it impossible to hide. To bury away. Zero wasn’t sure did he feel that same burning love for him anymore. Probably not. Or maybe the love he had for Jude had just changed. Matured.

Zero’s head was spinning. He had no idea what to think. Seeing the mess that Elias was made him question everything. Was Jude even good for them? Any of them. He had changed. Zero couldn’t exactly pinpoint how or when it had happened, but he was different. Was that a bad thing? Zero sure as hell had changed as well. But Zero felt that he had changed for better. Be that as it may. It was all going down the drain anyway.

After nearly an hour in the bathroom, Elias was ready to go. He just got up from the floor, as if he was born again. Like a phoenix. Elias wiped the tears away and all Zero could see was bravery. He was so proud.

“I don’t want to be in this house,” Elias said sharply.

“We can go home,” Zero promised. He grimaced when he realized how easily he had called the beach house their home.

The walk downstairs felt awkward. Zero considered just sneaking out of the house, but he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. He would have to talk to Jude. Face him. Zero wouldn’t be acting like a child anymore. He was more of a man than that. Maybe. Running away was a very tempting option as well. But no. No. No. Nope. He was trying to be the bigger person now.

Elias went right outside. He wasn’t fond on being here. Alyssa had heard them walk downstairs and disappeared with Elias. Zero wished that he had the easy way out as well. It really sucked being an adult.

Jude was alone in the kitchen. Zero took few deep breaths to build up courage before walking in. He wasn’t sure what he was afraid of. He had already been left high and dry. It couldn’t get much worse from that now could it? Zero had no idea what to say. Sorry for being a bitch to your not-boyfriend? Zero knew that he wouldn’t achieve anything by acting up, but that being said, what was there to lose?

“Hi,” Zero greeted and he hated how beaten his voice was. This definitely wasn’t the vibe that he was going for. Jude didn’t seem to mind. He leaned against the counter, facing Zero.

“Hi. Is Eli okay?” Jude asked. He was avoiding eye contact.

Zero shrugged; “I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.”

They were silent for a moment. Their interactions were getting more and more awkward every time they met. It bothered Zero. Was it all just a downhill from here on? If they kept going like this, they wouldn’t be able to talk at all in a month. That was painfully possible option. Jude kept shifting his weight from one leg to another, swinging slowly.

“What did you talk about with Eli? Before coming in?” Zero wasn’t sure did he want to know. Not really. He wasn’t very enthusiastic about any of this.

Jude sighed: “Not much. You and me. Noah.”

Hearing Jude say his name so softly made Zero sick in his stomach. It was a bit too much. The pain of betrayal was burning him again. Zero couldn’t believe what his life had turned into.

“Does he make you happy?” Zero asked and fought back the urge to bite his lip. He wasn’t going to make himself look like a sad schoolboy. No. No way.

Jude took a deep breath and then turned around. He was looking out of the window, back towards Zero. Zero knew this move. Jude couldn’t say it to his face, so he hid it. Was he embarrassed? Sad? Happy? Zero couldn’t tell. He was scared. He was. Zero could lie to himself and say that whatever was coming wouldn’t matter, but that wasn’t true. It mattered so much. So much that Zero would have done anything not to be in this position right now.

“I feel easy around him. Content. It’s a nice change,” Jude was almost whispering now. As if he was afraid of alarming someone. Maybe that someone was Zero. Most likely.

Zero didn’t like that answer. I fact, he hated it. He hated Jude. No, that wasn’t true. He loved Jude. So much it was making his heart ache and break time after time. So much that hearing him talk about a other man made Zero feel like he was about to throw up. His head was buzzing.

“I’m not gonna apologize for that. I won’t. I’m sorry that this went like this, but I can’t help my feelings.” Jude talked in a low, soft voice. Zero didn’t like it. It was too gentle. Mellow. In a twisted way Zero wished that Jude would have told him to go fuck himself and they could have fought it off. But they were past that.

Zero didn’t know what to say. Thank you for you honesty? But Jude hadn’t even been honest about it. Zero had had to squeeze it out in a whit of rage. That wasn’t sincere or honest way to tell something so big to your partner. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Zero wanted to run.

“So that’s it then?” Zero asked. He tried to put heat in his voice, but he just couldn’t. It was all too heavy. Zero felt the weight of the world dragging him down. Making it hard for him to breathe.

“Yeah. That’s all,” Jude said. His voice sounded shattered as well. Broken. Zero was almost choking on the tears he was fighting back.

Zero closed his eyes for a moment. He tried to keep himself together. It wasn’t working very well. A hot tear ran down his cheek. He had to get away from here. Zero had to let go. Of his anger and sadness and frustration. And Jude. This wasn’t a battle he could choose now. There wasn’t even an argument to get heated over. This was it. Lost war.

“I’ll go now,” Zero said. It took everything in him not to let his voice to break; “Goodbye Jude.”

“Goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya cakepops! This took way longer than I thought it would, but now I finally got around to publish this new chapter. I hope you like it!
> 
> Once again I hope you leave a comment! Thank you all for your patience with me and this fic. I'm not the fastest with the updates, I know. I try my best!
> 
> Stay safe <3


	14. Statement

“Are you sure about this? You are making a big statement with this,” Noah said. He didn’t sound nervous, but Jude saw him picking the hem of his suit jacket.

“I’m just going to a friend’s garden party. Nothing more,” Jude answered. They both knew that that wasn’t true. This was a huge deal. Jude tried to ignore the small voice screaming at him from the back of his head. He just wanted to get over with this already.

Jude and Noah were on their way to Lionel’s party. She had had a book launching for her memoir few weeks ago and this was just a press event for it. Both of them had been invited. Separately, but that was besides the point. They were going in together. As dates. Jude had no intention to claim Noah as his boyfriend or partner or whatever. This stunt was just to show the world that it was over between him and Zero.

Two weeks had passed since their encounter at their house. They hadn’t talked much. Zero had brought the kids over for a dinner on the previous Saturday. It had been a disaster. Alyssa had been angry throughout the dinner and Elias hadn’t said a word, except for thank yous and goodbyes. Zero hadn’t even gotten out of the car to greet Jude. He had just drove off. It was childish. Jude had some compassion for him, but Zero was acting like a teenager. Silent treatment? Seriously? Jude was getting annoyed with it.

Their lawyer had called a few days after that. Zero had signed the divorce papers and agreement on how their assets would be split. Even the part of giving away his share of the LA devils. They hadn’t had a single chat about it. Jude felt like there was something that he didn’t know. Zero had been so heated about it when they had met at the lawyer’s office. Perhaps he had understood Jude’s point of view. Or there was some sneaky blow coming Jude’s way. Could have been either. Jude tried not to think about it.

Jude was having mixed feeling. The reality had started to hit him. That it was actually over. Their home was awfully quiet. Jude liked it, in a way. But it felt peculiar. Jude had hated it when the kids, especially Alyssa, would drag a bunch of their friends over and pretty much overtake the house. Jude hadn’t liked Zero’s big barbeque parties either. He didn’t like to have outsiders in his own house. It wasn’t a common hall. That being said, it was oddly quiet now. But maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.

Zero hadn’t said it directly to Jude, but he had heard from their lawyer that Zero was considering selling the house after the divorce was final. It would be his to sell, Jude had handed it over, but it didn’t feel right. Jude could just buy it from Zero, but this house was too big for one person. Maybe. The thought of him alone in a mansion made Jude’s thoughts wonder back to Oscar. That wasn’t really an image Jude wanted to endorse. At all.

Jude squeezed Noah’s hand. More for his own comfort. Jude was getting antsy. He hadn’t exactly _told_ Lionel that they were coming as dates or that they would be arriving together. Now that he thought about it, that had been a very bad way of dealing with this. Lionel would for sure be furious. Jude hadn’t seen her in a while and every time that they had talked over the phone, Lionel had sounded like she was out for blood. Jude’s blood, to be exact. Which wasn’t a very nice thing, considering that she was Jude’s closest friend. That was the only reason why Jude even stood her temper tantrums.

The car pulled over in front of Lionel’s house. Reporters were standing in the sidewalk, ready to record every second. Jude was getting a bit light-headed. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. No, that was just his nerves and fear of Lionel talking. He had been thinking about this for weeks. Jude had yet to make a statement about him and Zero. This way he would avoid answering too many questions. And Zero was the one getting the heat anyway. No one really cared about Jude. He was just some boring businessman, not a basketball legend. And Zero had been pictured with Jelena multiple times. He had made his bed. Now was Jude’s turn to make his.

“We can still call this off. You can just go on your own and I’ll drive few blocks down and come on my own,” Noah suggested. In a way Jude wanted to take the offer, but he needed to get his act together. Or grow some balls, like Zero had kindly suggested.

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re doing this,” Jude said and patted Noah’s knee and continued; “But if you’re not comfortable doing this, then we don’t have to, obviously.”

Noah shook his head and smiled; “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“That’s settled then. Ready?” Jude asked. His hands were getting sweaty. Oh, how he hated his nerves. Thankfully no one could see him sweating under his suit.

“Not yet,” Noah said and pulled Jude closer to himself by Jude’s tie.

Noah’s lips were hot against Jude’s and Jude let himself to get lost in the kiss. This was the last moments of clam before the storm. A quick wave of memories of Jude kissing Zero like this before facing the cameras washed over Jude. Noah’s hand on the back of Jude’s head brought him back to reality, focusing on Noah. They kissed for a moment longer. Jude was afraid he would get flustered.

Fast squeeze of the hands, and Jude opened the door. Cameras flashed when he got out, but the light show really starter when Noah was finally visible for the reporters. Jude tried to filter out the questions yelled at them. Jude wasn’t going to answer any of them or pose for the cameras. There would be enough of that in the party as well.

Jude reached for Noah hand and they quickly linked their fingers. Noah was used to the cameras. He smiled politely but avoided eye contact with cameras and the cameramen. Smart move. Eyes on the prize, so to say. Jude didn’t like it how close to them the reporters got. At times there were only inches between him and the camera lenses. It made him feel uneasy. It would make anyone feel uneasy.

Jude hadn’t expected the reporters to be this interested in them. His ears were ringing from the noise. _Are you dating? Is he your partner? What does Zero think? Are you separating? Comments on Zero’s alleged cheating? Biggest break-up in the sport this year. Who cheated? People want answers! Jude! Judejudejudejude! Look here! Are you official? Do you always date your employees? What about divorce? What will happen to the Devils? Power couple break up! Who is he? How did you meet? Are you two an item? Comments on Jelena and Zero’s relationship? Who is the bad guy?_

Noah’s steadiness and calmness helped Jude. It gave him strength to ignore the questions and keep walking with his head held high. Soon they reached the gates and finally got rid of the pack of reporters following them. But no there was even differ threat, or well, just meaner person, waiting for them. That person being Lionel, who would probably hang Jude by his toes in the split second she found out. Jude realized that he should maybe brief Noah about the situation.

“I didn’t tell Lionel. I didn’t say that we’ll be coming in together,” Jude said to Noah, who looked surprised.

“Oh well. She’ll find out soon enough,” Noah said, looking tranquil as ever. Jude couldn’t understand how he was so laid back all the time. If the roles were reversed, Jude would have lost his shit. He wasn’t easy-going like that.

They walked in together. They went right though the corridor into the garden, where the part was held. There weren’t too many photographers. Jude could only spot five, but there were probably more, lurking in the shadows somewhere. People were casually chatting and enjoying their cocktails. Jude liked it that the place wasn’t pack. At least yet.

No one seemed to pay too much attention to them. Except for Lionel, who instantly noticed them. And judging by the tight look on her face, she wasn’t very pleased. She quickly started to make her way to them. Jude was weirdly terrified of her. Lionel was probably the most erratic person Jude knew. And he associated with quite colorful characters.

“Noah, Jude. What a surprise,” Lionel said in a disgustingly sweet tone that was obviously faked. She had a forced smile clued to her face. Lionel didn’t waste anytime with the common courtesies, but bluntly turned to Noah; “Would you mind excusing us for a moment?”

Noah shrugged, smiling easy as a breeze; “Not at all. I’ll be near the cocktail table. Nice seeing you Lionel.”

And like that Noah was gone. Lionel’s smile died down as soon as she had made sure no one with a camera was too close to them.

“What the heck Jude? Are you out of your mind?” She was talking quietly, but angrily, so it came across as more of a hiss than anything else.

“Supporting your book. With a date,” Jude explained calmly; “Besides I thought you liked Noah.”

Lionel scoffed and rolled her eyes; “Noah’s a great guy, but not for you. You have a great husband, who loves you and great kids. This is insane. You are blowing your last chance to get him back. Don’t you see that?”

“I don’t want him back. I was the one who left him, not the other way around. I know what I’m doing,” Jude assured. He didn’t like how aggressive Lionel was about this. It was none of her business. This wasn’t her relationship and she had no authority over Jude’s love life. Not to mention that she had a terrible taste in men. An alcoholic, murderer and Jude’s own maniac of a father? Even if the last one had been just a cover.

“Clearly, you don’t. Why are you acting like this is nothing? You’re making so, so many mistakes now,” Lionel said in a stiff voice. Jude didn’t like the direction this conversation was headed to.

“Frankly, I don’t give a damn Lionel. It’s my relationship. Not yours. I know what the best thing for me is. And it’s not Zero,” Jude deadpanned. He didn’t want to go through this here. This wasn’t the place or the time. 

Lionel shook her head in disbelief. She clicked her tongue before answering; “You’re going to regret this. And I know that deep down, you know it too.”

“Yeah well, I don’t think so,” Jude said, forcing a smile; “Great party.”

“Thank you. Help yourself with the drinks,” Lionel said with a harsh tone. She turned around to walk away but spun around in the last second; “We’ll talk about this later. You don’t get off the hook this easily.”

Jude wasn’t feeling cheerful. He didn’t want to stay. Lionel had reacted exactly how he had thought she would, but it got under Jude’s skin. She was wrong. Jude wouldn’t regret this. That was ridiculous. He had had time to think. Clear his head. This was the best, the only, option. Jude would stay in a dead relationship just because it had lasted for a long time. He wouldn’t become one of those people.

It didn’t take long for Noah to come back after Lionel’s dramatic exit. He joked something about the other guests and how Lionel had probably emptied a liquor store for this party. Jude was glad that he didn’t ask any questions or tried to prey on what they had been talking about. He knew already. Both of them knew.

Few photographers had noticed them and were taking photos of them from a distance. Noah noticed it as well. His tactic was opposite of Jude’s plan of playing it cool. Noah took Jude’s hand, not minding the cameramen for one bit. It was nice. Balanced out Jude’s somewhat aggressive attitude towards the reporters. Noah knew what the best way was to act. He was one of those filthy reporters after all.

“Let’s dance,” Noah said and pointed vaguely to the dance floor. Jude shook his head. _No way_.

“I don’t dance,” Jude stated. Never had, never would. He wasn’t one of those people who were born to groove. Or whatever. Jude didn’t like the spotlight.

“Well, I do. Come on, it’ll be fun,” Noah said and dragged Jude by the hand to the dance floor. Jude wanted to keep his dignity, but fighting back and causing a scene wasn’t what he wanted either.

Noah was loving it. He was a great dancer. Not that this kind of lowkey party dancing really required talent, but Jude knew he couldn’t look as casual and cool doing this. He tried, though. Not well, but tried nonetheless. Noah made silly dance moves to make Jude feel less awkward. It was nice. Fun. _Easy_. Jude loved that about Noah. No. No he didn’t _love_ it. That was an exaggeration. Or maybe it wasn’t. Jude wasn’t sure.

Jude realized he had frozen on his feet, when Noah rubbed his arm. He looked genuinely concerned.

“Are you okay? Is this too much?” Noah asked in a gentle tone.

“No, it’s just-,” Jude tried, but he didn’t know what to say. ‘ _I might love you a bit’_ would certainly be too much. Way too much. Jude was confused. He just wanted to have fun. Maybe that was what he should aspire to do. To have fun. Be easy going.

“Can you kiss me?” Jude asked. He wasn’t sure would Noah be okay with that in front of the cameras. Judging by this smile, he was more than fine with it.

Noah wrapped his arms around Jude’s waist and pulled him close. Noah’s musky cologne smelled nice. Everything about him was so nice. Jude leaned in for a kiss and for a moment they were alone in the room. The music faded off Jude’s mind to white noise in the background. It was just the two of them. Noah’s eyes sparkled when he broke the kiss. His smile made Jude’s stomach full of butterflies.

Jude loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi muffins! I would like to start off by saying that I am going somewhere with this. Trust the happy ending -tag. I'm team zude here as well, don't you worry.
> 
> Please leave a comment! I read them all and they brighten up my day so much, even though I'm terrible at answering them. Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> Get in touch with me here: https://bondove.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Stay safe <3


	15. Mistake

Neon lights were flashing. Zero had forgotten how blinding they could be. Bass was bumping. Zero could feel it in his chest. It was a nice feeling. It had been a while he had been out partying like this. He had joined few other old devils for a night out. Zero hadn’t been so sure was he ready for this, but now that he was out, he was having a blast.

Zero had been downing drinks like there was no tomorrow. He might have been over-doing it a bit, but who cared? He certainly didn’t. He was free to do whatever the hell he wanted. Having other equally wasted hype men didn’t help him to slowdown. But again, what about that? Zero was footloose. For the first time in god knows how long. He was allowed to have his fair share of fun. And fun he had.

They weren’t at a gay club but based on the number of men circling around Zero, someone must have tipped off that he would be there tonight. Zero wasn’t complaining. Not at all. It was refreshing to know that people were still willing to throw themselves at him. It was a nice ego-boost. Zero loved the attention. No questions about that.

Their booth was upstairs on the VIP section of the club. From there they could look down to the dancefloor and just enjoy the view. Zero was shamelessly checking out the cage-dancers. He would leave them a fat tip. Just to give back to the community. Zero had an open tap for their whole group as well. And for their new _associates_ , of course. He was power tripping, but who cared? Everyone was having a good time.

Zero had no intention to take anyone home, even if he was flirting left and right. He was just enjoying himself. Jude’s face flashed into his mind, but Zero washed it off with a shot. Alcohol was such a gift. Happiness in a bottle? What would be better?

To be honest, Zero really needed a pick-me-up. Jude had deputed his fling with Noah and media was _loving_ it. When Zero had first seen the pictures of them dancing and kissing at a party, he had been furious. Angry enough to accidentally break a plate. Then he had gotten sad. It had gotten under his skin. Jude had looked so blissful. Joyous. Zero hated it. Why wasn’t he in a million pieces like Zero was? Why was he parading around with a new man like it was nothing? It was so unfair.

Zero was petty, he knew it. He fought fire with fire. That was why he made sure to have at least two people by his side at all times when he walked around the club. Just a big fuck you to Jude. Two could play this game. Zero was moving on as well. He wouldn’t stay sulking after Jude for forever. Or at least that was the message he wanted to send. The truth wasn’t that pretty. But no one needed to know how Zero kept crying himself to sleep. Or how he couldn’t delete that heart from end Jude’s contact name. Or how he had had to change the shampoo he had used for years because Jude had always smelled of it as well. Zero didn’t want to think about that right now.

The best way to get over someone probably wasn’t trying to replace them. At first Zero had thought he would just turn down every man with dark hair. Then he had ruled out all men who were tall. Then Zero had realized that he could just focus on women instead, because they didn’t make his thoughts wonder back to Jude like men did. Perks of bisexuality.

“What’s your name?” Zero asked from the sitting across from him, completely ignoring those who were clued to his sides. She had probably introduced herself to him already, but Zero couldn’t remember. He blamed the booze for that.

The woman gestured Zero to move. She made some space next to her, but didn’t make a move to get up herself. Zero liked it how she didn’t jump immediately after catching Zero’s attention. He had had enough of that type.

“Felicia,” she said to Zero’s ear when he came next to her. Her voice was sweet as honey. Zero liked it. Felicia was beautiful. Strawberry blonde with dark eyes. She looked wicked. Fierce. Like she was about to burst from the confidence she was packing. Zero had always loved a powerful woman. There was a reason why he had accidentally fell for Jelena.

They got up together to make their way to the dance floor. Zero intended to give the media a little _something something_ to obsess over. He didn’t want to see those stupid photos of Jude and Noah anymore. He had given them 24 hours of fame. That was over now. Zero was jealous. He could admit that to himself. Revenge was childish for sure, but Zero didn’t really care.

Felicia wasn’t shy. She put her hands up and moved her hips in a way that made Zero’s pants feel a bit tight. He didn’t intend to take this that far, but he didn’t mind a little game. He still got it. Zero was in control. Maybe. Spinning feeling in his head said otherwise. For a split second his gut told him to cut this off immediately. Stop this even before it started. But that thought was quickly put aside.

Kissing her didn’t make Zero’s heart skip a beat. She was a good kisser though. Zero liked how confidentially she had pulled Zero against her. This was the kind of power play that Zero loved. He had had plenty of the bad kind lately. Felicia cupped Zero’s face and hair long nails softly pressed against his skin. The arch of her back was perfect to hold. She tasted fresh and fruity. But it didn’t feel like anything.

Zero pulled away after a while. Felicia didn’t seem to mind that the kiss broke. She went straight back to dancing as if nothing had happened. Zero was thankful for that. He had a weird feeling in his stomach. Was this a mistake? All of this? He should have been home. Or maybe this was exactly where he was supposed to be. Zero was confused.

They danced for a while. Kissed a few more times. Felicia had been a good choice for this. Easy going and poised. Zero took full advantage of it. He caught himself fantasizing about Jude getting wrecked from seeing Zero having the time of his life and regretting everything. Zero didn’t want Jude to be sad. He just wanted-, he wanted Jude to come crawling back. Beg. Do whatever so Zero would take him back. Zero could always hope.

Time went on and they kept partying. Zero downed a shot after a shot, not really giving a damn. He had danced with Felicia. Went back to crack jokes with the guys. Thrown money at the girls and guys shaking it in the cages. Signed a few autographs. Stole a bottle from the counter that would be added to his tap for sure. At some point Zero realized that he was actually having fun again. Feeling at ease. It was nice.

Zero left the club with a group of women he couldn’t even name. Felicia had disappeared earlier. They were laughing at his jokes and looked pretty. That was all that Zero needed in the moment. Zero’s driver wasn’t at the doors when he got out. It was okay. He wasn’t in a hurry. He could enjoy the company of these lovely ladies for a bit longer.

Zero heard someone call his name and it took him seconds too long to locate the caller. God he was drunk.

“You came to your senses and came back for the girls!” The man yelled again. He was walking towards Zero, which he didn’t like at all. He didn’t want to deal with idiots like that now.

“Fuck off!” Zero answered, which was obviously a mistake. One should never engage with people who shouted dumb shit at streets.

The guy got up to Zero, laughing. It irritated Zero. _Bitch_.

“Always knew you weren’t a full-blown faggot!” the guy said and took a step to the side. He must have been drunk out of his mind as well; “That Kinkade has always looked like a queer but never you.”

“ _Stop that_ ,” Zero hissed. His head was starting to buzz again. Zero dropped the beer bottle he had been holding and dug his nails into his palms to calm down. It did nothing to help. He was so numb from all the drinking. It didn’t even pinch.

The guy had the audacity take a step forwards, so he was only feet or two away from Zero.

“You know all that gay shit can’t be good for kids. You have couple, don’t you? Fucks them right up. You wouldn’t want a pedo to have kids either. Sick bastards. But good to know that you aren’t really one of those hom-,”

Zero hadn’t planned it. He hadn’t. It was an accident. Impulse. Hasty reaction. Zero had punched the guy right in the face. He fell backwards onto his ass, still yelling his stupid shit at Zero. Someone held Zero back. Without that he would have made sure that he really knocked the guy’s teeth in. No one talked to him like that. No one! Zero realized he was yelling these things out loud. He didn’t really care. Fuck that guy!

Red and blue light lit up the street. _Oh shit_.

***

“Hello, my name is Scott Murphy. I’m the officer assigned to this case,” Scott said and dropped a brown case file on the desk before sitting down. He lazily opened it to check something before continuing; “Mr. Oliver Phillips has pressed charges against you on assault. We will take your statement and in the best-case scenario you’ll be out by morning. Processing times are longer during the night.”

Zero couldn’t believe this. What bullshit. He had barely touched the guy. And he had been provoked! It wasn’t like he’d take a swing at someone for looking him the wrong way. Zero was convinced that the only reason that excuse of a man even sued him was just to milk out as much money as he could. Even the thought of that annoyed Zero. Not to mention that the images of him leaving the police station would probably be blasted all around the internet. Perfect, just perfect.

He had been rotting in a cell for few hours, which had given him plenty of time to sober out. Now that his judgement was no longer clouded by alcohol, Zero saw that the choices he had made weren’t definitely the best ones. But done was done. He couldn’t take anything back. Zero prayed that no one had filmed him in the club, but that an empty wish. Obviously, someone had. Zero had made sure of that. His media team would be having a field day.

Zero’s lawyer, Tanya Caplan, had told him to take it easy. Even though there had been multiple eyewitnesses and Zero had managed to give the guy a black eye, it was highly unlikely that this would be ruled anything but a misdemeanor. He’d probably wind up paying some for Phillips, but that wasn’t an issue. Tanya had a strict no-sass policy so Zero knew not tone it down.

“Let’s go through what happened in your own words, Mr. Kinkade,” Scott said and leaned back in his chair. Zero didn’t like the vibe he got off of him. Zero had never liked cops. Or any government officials, to be honest. Tanya nodded to him as a permission to speak. They had gone through this already.

“I came out of the club with my party. That was when Mr. Phillips approached me. I answered and he provoked me with slurs. We exchanged few more words before I struck him. Af-,”

“Were you holding something, or did you strike him with bare hands?” Scott cut in between.

“Bare hands. I was holding a bottle, but I dropped it before. I didn’t use it,” Zero clarified.

Scott nodded, not looking like he cared for one bit; “How did Mr. Phillips provoke you?”

Zero clenched his fists. He didn’t want to repeat his words. His blood was about to start boiling over again. Scott’s smug expression wasn’t really helping. Zero had a feeling that he was one of those pricks who yelled slurs at people as well.

“He disrespect me, my family and used inappropriate language. Homophobic language,” Zero said, as calmly as he could. Scott looked amused. Zero had to look past him. Eye contact was too much for him.

Tanya had prepped Zero for this, but it was still hard. He hated talking about stuff like this. He just wanted to brush it off. But he had to go through it now. Zero knew that he had overreacted and punching Phillips had been stupid and impulsive.

Scott asked more questions about what Phillips had done and said. Zero tried his best not to get provoked. Keep your head in the game, Tanya had said to him. She knew that Zero couldn’t handle people who were arrogant or tried to taunt him. It was one of his weak spots.

“You said he disrespected your family? Who exactly?” Scott asked. There was something in his eyes that made Zero suspicious.

“My husband, or well soon to be ex. Which you must know. And uh, our kids,” Zero said. He was getting nervous. He exchanges looks with Tanya, who seemed to be worried about the direction of this discussion as well.

“How old are they?” Scott smiled. It was weird.

“My son’s seventeen. Daughter just turned fifteen.”

“Where are they? With your _husband_ , well ex, I assume.”

“Don’t answer,” Tanya ordered quickly.

Scott leaned forwards and put his hands on the table; “Two minors. I’m required to make sure they are safe and sound. So, where are they? Who are they with? I’ll be needing their contact information to make sure. We need to take care of the children of America.”

A sudden rush of adrenaline flushed though Zero. He was anxious. What was this? This had nothing to do with the incident. Zero’s gut was telling him to stop co-operation immediately, but there was no use. Tanya seemed to agree. She looked apologetic but didn’t tell Zero to keep silent.

“They are at home.”

“By themselves?”

Zero swallowed air. This wasn’t good. Couldn’t be.

“Yes.”

“Are you aware that leaving a child under the age of sixteen alone overnight is not permitted in California? Failure to provide adequate supervision is a form of child neglect which can lead to losing custody,” Scott was smiling. It made Zero sick in his stomach. What an asshole.

“I was meant to be home hours ago! But I’m stuck here, aren’t I,” Zero could hear his voice getting heated. He needed to keep it together now. This was all going into record. He didn’t need some homophobe of a cop destroying his life.

Tanya told Zero to stop talking and he was more than happy to. She attempted to save the situation, but the damage was done. Scott stated that he had to make a note of this to the social services, who would ‘take care of the children’. As if the system had ever taken care of anyone. This was unbelievable. Zero’s heart was aching. What was gonna happen now? One note wouldn’t mean anything, would it? Or maybe it would. Zero found it hard to breathe. Air was getting thinner.

Everything started to become cloudy. Scott’s voice sounded distant. Irrelevant. Tanya was trying to sort things out, but Zero couldn’t focus. He was petrified. Oh, how he hated himself for this. Fury bubbled in his stomach. This was one of those moments when Zero wished he had Jude to talk him down. Take his hand and tell him it would be okay. Everyone would be okay. But he wasn’t here. Zero blinked rapidly to keep the tears from dropping down. This was such bullshit. Why hadn’t he called the nanny like he always did. Why. Whywhywhywhy was he so stupid?

Zero’s hands were photographed for evidence. It was hard to stay still with Scott so close. Zero wanted to attack him. Swing him with all that he got like he had done with Phillips. That was the last thing that he would do, but oh how he wanted it. Zero fought back the urge to bad mouth him. To call him all sorts of names. He needed to be on his best behavior, even if it killed him inside. He could fix this. He could. He would.

_What a nightmare_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello! 
> 
> I know that you all are waiting for the happy ending and I promise you all; It is coming. However, it's not going to come just yet. I don't want to hurry too much and loosely tie this up just for the sake of finishing this quickly. I have a plan and everything happens for a reason. I'm sorry that this is not one of those quick and nice fics, but really enjoy writing this and that's why I want to put time and effort in to this. So my apologizes for everyone who hoped that this fic would finish by the chapter 15. 
> 
> Give me your love, give me your hate. I thank you for all the comments and really appriciate it that so many of you leave them. You guys are the best!
> 
> Stay safe pumpkins <3


	16. All Alone

“For the record, I don’t want to be here, and I think this is bullshit,” Alyssa said as she walked into the house. She was in her pajamas. Had they dragged her up from bed?

“Second that,” Elias followed in suit. He stood next to Alyssa in the corridor. It looked like they didn’t know what to do. Jude didn’t like it how awkward they looked. As if they had been dropped off at a stranger’s doorstep. Jude might have been a bit distant lately, but he had raised them for god’s sake.

The social worker smiled tightly, not seeming to be feeling at ease either. She was talking to Jude, completely ignoring the kids standing only few feet away; “We have to take these child neglect cases seriously, even regarding teenagers. Your husband has been charged with an assault. That means we have to start an investigation to make sure your children are provided with proper care and safe environment. I understand that you might find this frustrating, but this is for the benefit of the children.”

“So, you ship us to our dad who doesn’t give a damn about either of us instead of letting us stay _home_ with the dad who actually wants us there?” Alyssa asked, looking straight into Jude’s eyes. She was just angry at the situation. Not Jude. Or that was what Jude was hoping for.

“This is for your own good. If everything is as it should be, you’ll be able to go home in two weeks,” the social worker sounded tense.

Alyssa rolled her eyes, looking hurt. Elias didn’t seem any happier with the situation. And to be honest, neither was Jude. He had seen a video of what was happened. Jude would have acted out in that situation as well. Maybe not by hitting someone, but still. Jude completely understood why Zero had reacted the way he had.

When the social worked had called Jude an hour ago, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The call had woken him up, so he hadn’t seen the photos and videos of what had happened. Jude had freaked out big time. The social worker had made everything sound so much worse on the phone. _Violent assault. Public intoxication. Child neglect. Arrest._ At first the child protective services had been about to put the kids to an emergency foster home. Then Jude had explained that he and Zero were separated and living at different houses, they had agreed on bringing the kids to him. The whole thing was just a huge fuss over nothing.

Jude didn’t agree with Zero’s actions, but he could see where it was coming from. After the phone call with CPS Jude had tried to find out what the hell was going on. Unfortunately, it had been too easy. Jude’s twitter was blowing up with tweets about what had happened. Videos and photos of Zero at the club and getting arrested in the street. It wasn’t a good look. Jude was a bit worried about Zero. He wasn’t a reckless person. This just wasn’t _him_.

There was clattering coming from the kitchen. Must have been Noah. The kids caught it as well and Alyssa didn’t waste any time before cutting to the chase; “Is _he_ still here? Come on dad, honestly.”

“Yes, _Noah_ is here,” Jude confirmed, which seemed to be the last tic to Elias, who dropped his bag on the floor and stomped straight to the staircase.

“How lovely,” Alyssa said in a cold voice, before following her brother. Jude was left standing alone with the social worker, who looked like she wanted to be anywhere but here.

They went through what was going to happen now. Kids were to be under Jude’s care until further notice. Which basically meant that they could go on with their lives as per usual. Zero was allowed to meet with the kids but couldn’t be left alone with them and if that happened, then the child protective services would rule Jude to be unfit to take care of them as well. Jude and Zero would have to meet up with a social worker next week, which Jude wasn’t exactly thrilled about. They would have to sort out this feud they had.

Jude didn’t really want to talk to Zero. He just didn’t. But it was the right thing to do. And Jude knew that they would need to keep things civil. He had a feeling that they wouldn’t do too good with that. Zero had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with Jude. Not that Jude could really blame Zero for that, but it was immature.

“How are they?” Noah asked when Jude walked into the kitchen. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

“Well they still hate me, so nothing new under the sun,” Jude said. He tried to hide the hurt in his voice; “You don’t have to put on day clothes for them. They went straight to bed anyway.”

Noah rubbed his neck awkwardly: “I know. I just think I should go home for now.”

“You don’t have to. You can stay here, it’s fine,” Jude assured.

“Is it though?” Noah asked. Jude didn’t like his tone. Something was off.

Jude bit him lip and leaned against the counter. He had an ill feeling in his stomach. Like it was telling him that there was a danger lurking around. There had been just a bit too much of that lately.

“Nevertheless, I have to go now. It’s already four thirty and I have to be at the arena before six o’clock. I need to go home first so I’m kinda in a hurry,” Noah explained. He smiled softly. The way he looked at Jude was too soft. It made him feel uneasy.

“I’ll text you later, okay?” Noah promised and gave Jude a quick kiss on the cheek; “Talk to your kids.”

Jude was left standing alone in the kitchen. It was still dark outside. The lights of Noah’s car lit up the yard for a second before they were gone as well. The lump in Jude’s throat was getting bigger and bigger. He thought he was over this. Feeling like a ghost. Empty, useless shell. Something about the way Noah had acted reminded Jude of Zero. It was weird. Unsettling.

Jude hated being alone. It was hard. He didn’t want to be by himself. Especially with all of this going on. Who could he call? Lionel was out of the question. She was furious with him. For as far Jude knew Zero was still rotting in some cell. Noah had just left. As much as Jude hated to admit it, that was pretty much everyone that he had in his life. For a split-second Jude thought about calling his mother. But no. He couldn’t bother Valerie with this.

The bedroom had never felt this empty. Jude closed a window he had left open when he had first come to bed. All of Noah’s things were gone. Maybe he had taken his clothes with him to wash them. Jude’s head was aching. Probably due to lack of sleep. Perhaps stress. Who knew?

Jude went to bathroom to find some painkillers. Under old prescription bottles and medicine boxes, Jude saw it. His ring. So this was where he had left it. A faint memory of Jude putting it on the counter and taking a sleeping pill came back to his mind. He must have swept it in the drawer by accident. Jude picked it up. He didn’t know what to do with it. The ring had never felt this heavy.

Zero had left his wedding band at the office when Jude had broken the news about filing for divorce. Jude had taken it home with him. It was in a box in Jude’s nightstand locker. The very same box that Jude had had when he had proposed. Jude took the box from the nightstand and sat on the bed.

Opening the box felt like an impossible mission. Jude had no idea why. It was just a piece of plastic with a velvet lining. Nothing more than that. Or that was what Jude wanted to think. He knew it was much more than that. Jude twiddled the box in his hand. Why did it feel so hard? Jude was over Zero. Over their relationship. Well, maybe not entirely, but this was just stupid. He needed to get on with it. The box opened with a faint click.

Jude had always found it funny how well their rings resembled their personalities. Jude’s was just a plain platinum band with their wedding date engraved on the inside. Zero’s one was much flashier. White gold with three rows of diamonds. Zero had loved the way it shined. It was the same shape as Zero’s NBA rings, but much smaller of course. Jude remembered the way Zero’s eyes had lit up at the store when he chose it. Jude had proposed with more modest ring, but Zero had wanted something more extravagant – which Jude should have seen coming.

Jude couldn’t take his eyes of the ring. Someway, somehow seeing it hurt. Jude couldn’t point out why. His thoughts were running wild. Had he made a mistake? But he had been thinking about this for ages. He hadn’t made the decision in a spur of moment. Or had he? No. Just because everything kind out blow up unexpectedly, it didn’t mean that Jude hadn’t prepared for that. _Right?_

Jude put his rind inside the box as well. Loneliness was still creeping in his stomach. Why was he like this? Never sure. Jude hated it. He hated his anxiety. How he could never make a final decision. And now that he had made one, it felt this. Confusing. Hurtful. _Wrong_. Or maybe it was just that he was tired. Zero always made Jude sleep on it, if he was drawing too big circles from small things. Jude despised the fact that Zero was all he could think about now.

Jude really hated feeling like this. He hated being like this. He hated everything about it.

***

Jude had been waiting outside the police station for over an hour now. Few reporters had spotted him, but they hadn’t cared about him for long. There was nothing exciting about him just sitting in the car. Jude had called their lawyer before and Tanya had said that Zero should have been out by seven. He hadn’t, obviously, but Jude was fairly sure it wasn’t anything to be worried about.

Jude hadn’t talked with Zero yet. Jude had sent him a message saying that he’d be there to pick him up. His phone had been confiscated and was probably out of battery. Jude hoped that Tanya had gotten he message through.

The whole thing was messed up. Apparently, harassment was fine. Jude would have described it as a hate crime even. But he wasn’t surprised. World was pretty cruel for minority groups and it wasn’t like they had it bad. Zero was just getting a slap at the wrists and everyone knew that. What Jude was mad about was that the kids had gotten dragged into this. But then again, this would probably get solved without too much fuss.

Jude had called their nanny Louise to come to the house. He was a bit paranoid about leaving them by themselves. One could leave a teenager alone for few hours, but Jude wasn’t taking risks now. Even if the kids loathed him now, Jude still loved them to bits. There was no way that the CPS would take them away. That would crush them – and Zero. Jude’s heart ached for him. He was probably beating himself over this. Zero was always too harsh for himself when it came to the kids. Or Jude.

Jude hadn’t been able to fall asleep in the small hours after the finding those damn rings. His mind had been spinning ever since. It was like it had unlocked something in him. Jude had no idea what it was. Regret? Maybe. Quilt? Jude sure as hell didn’t know. In a way he didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong, but Jude was well aware that if the roles were reversed, he would have been furious. It was odd.

Zero walked out of the police station half past eight. Apparently he had gotten the message, since he walked straight to Jude’s car. Even though Jude had had hours to prepare for this, he was terrified. He wasn’t sure how to act now. What was appropriate? Was Zero mad at him? Stupid question. Jude knew that he was. Camera’s were flashing behind Zero.

“Hi,” Jude greeted weakly when Zero got to the car.

Zero shook his head a little: “Just drive. Please.”

And so Jude did. They didn’t talk for a moment. Jude was scared to say anything and Zero didn’t seem to be at his prime either. He smelled awful. Not that it was a massive surprise. No one smelled like roses after being in a club, but night in cell hadn’t helped. Zero looked rough. Like he had barely slept. His eyes were blank. Jude hated seeing him like this.

Jude wasn’t sure where Zero wanted to go. To their house or the beach house? Jude didn’t want to have him in the house but dumbing him at the beach house seemed cruel. He wasn’t sure could he handle sharing space with Zero for more than a car drive without exploding. Last night had left Jude utterly confused. Everything felt a bit too intense.

“Where they? Ally and Elias?” Zero asked. His voice was hoarse.

“Home. They are with Louise now. I think they are still sleeping. Do you want to come there?”

Jude almost sighed from relief when Zero turned down the offer. He didn’t want that the kids saw him like that. Which was more than understandable. Jude wouldn’t have wanted that either if he was Zero. So the beach house it was. Jude felt bad for being happy about him not wanting to come home. That wasn’t fair for anyone. But at least now Jude would get a moment to clear his head.

Zero had leant his head against the headrest. His eyes were closed. Jude wondered what was going on in his mind. Was he upset? Sad? Angry? Did he hate Jude now? Probably all of those things. Jude couldn’t blame him. It had been quite a night.

Jude caught himself examining Zero multiple times. Sun made him look so beautiful that Jude had to bite his cheek to get back on track. What was going on? His emotions were all over the place. One moment he wanted to get Zero as far from himself as possible and on the next he just wanted to spend all night admiring him. It made Jude feel uneasy. Out of control.

There were multiple cars parked next to the gates of the beach house. Reporters. Lovely. Zero woke from his coma when Jude slowed down. It was show time again. Zero took out his phone to open the gates. It always took a minute to be able to drive through. Jude tried his best to look as neutral as he could. All that effort went to waste when he noticed something.

At first, he had thought that he had sorely mistaken, but no. It really was an ISN van. Jude couldn’t believe it. Lionel wouldn’t do that to them. She just would not. Jude’s heart throbbed. What on earth. Zero seemed to notice the same thing.

“Your new boyfriend out there as well?” Zero asked in a sour voice.

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just-. I don’t even know,” Jude stumbled over his words. Great.

Zero rolled his eyes; “You’ve taken an interesting approach then. You know. Moving in together. Going to parties together.”

Jude didn’t like the way Zero talked about it. What he disliked the most was the fact that Zero was right. Jude hadn’t been thought this through. He had just dived headfirst into the arms of the first guy who showed him attention. To be fair he never would have done that if everything had been okay between Zero and him. It wasn’t smart, but Jude hadn’t been in the best mindset lately. Which, as it turned out, showed.

The gates closed quickly behind the car. Jude’s mind wandered back to that ISN van. Was Noah there? Was this his gig today? Jude didn’t want to go check. Lionel wouldn’t go that far. Or maybe she would. Jude never knew what was going on inside her head.

Zero opened the door, ready to go. Then suddenly, he froze on his track. Zero turned around to face Jude and looked him straight into the eyes. Jude didn’t like it. It was too intimate. He couldn’t hide from Zero’s gaze.

“Are you happier now?” Zero asked. He sounded genuine. There was no heat in his voice.

Jude didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t say anything. Zero nodded.

“Yeah I figured,” Zero said. Jude had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He didn’t have time to ask, because Zero was already going. Jude didn’t want to yell after him.

Jude followed Zero with his eyes when he walked to the door. He caught himself hoping that Zero would turn and take a one last look at Jude before walking into the house. _He didn’t_. The door closed behind Zero and Jude was all alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! So Jude is F I N A L L Y realizing what he has done. The next chapter will be another flashback. Happier!zude alert! Butbutbut their issues have roots somewhere and there will be some focus on those obviously. 
> 
> Leave a comment if you have time. I love reading them and they motivate me so much, you have no idea. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Get in touch with me here: https://bondove.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Stay safe <3


	17. I Love You

**ONE YEAR EARLIER**

Zero was sitting alone at the bar. They had been at the beach for hours and Zero had to admit that he didn’t really like it. He got sunburnt easily and bathing in sunscreen while being in sand was terrible. Wind constantly blew it up and slowly covered him with dust. The ocean was nice, but the way Zero’s skin felt like after the salt water dried off was nasty. Jude had said that he had a big diva syndrome. Which was probably the case, but Zero was fed up.

This was their second week in Aruba. Kids were loving it, of course. Zero was having a good time, but he wished he could just lay by the pool side and have quick visits to the beach instead of spending entire days there. But it was three against one, so he had had to suck it. Jude had been in a surprisingly good mood as well. He usually spent their holidays being neurotic about what was going on at the arena, but it hadn’t been as bad as it could have been now. Except for, well today.

They had been planning on this vacation for ages. Zero had quit playing ball when the season ended. This was the first chance to actually take a breather and have a holiday without having to worry about Zero’s workout routines, diet, restrictions banning him from activities that could lead to an injury. The list went on. Zero was loving his life now that he had retired.

Zero had been anxious about quitting. Devils had been the first thing he thought about in the morning and the last thing on his mind when he went to sleep. And for years Zero had convinced himself that that was the way he wanted it. Eye on the prize. But now that it was all gone Zero felt relieved. Like he a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He didn’t understand why that was, but he loved it.

Zero’s last season had been the dream. He had been the team captain, three years running. It had been years since their last championship, but now they had gotten it. For a brief moment Zero had been the only active player with four titles. What a way to go. Zero had loved every second of it. Life was great.

“Can I get you another refill?” The bartender asked and interrupted Zero’s train of thought. Zero agreed and pushed his class to the other side of the desk. Bartender smiled and turned his back to Zero for a moment.

The bar was almost empty. It was right on the beach, but fortunately for Zero, indoors. He was sick of sweating, so the air-conditioning was a blessing. Going on a holiday somewhere hot was always such a nice idea, but the reality wasn’t so glorious. LA was warm enough. It was nice to get away sometimes though.

The bartender came back to Zero and poured the drink to his class from a cocktail mixer. Zero wasn’t even sure what he was drinking. House special. Overpriced and so sweet it almost made his teeth hurt. He wouldn’t be day drinking straight spirits. That would have been a bit much.

“Do you know them?” The bartender asked and gestured towards the doors. Alyssa and Elias were talking with their heads together, glancing at Zero. What were they up to this time?

“Yeah I do,” Zero said to the bartender, who nodded before going to serve another customer who had come in.

Zero made eye contact with Alyssa. She shook her head, which was probably meant to be an answer for whatever Elias had been saying. Zero stared at the two of them until Alyssa finally walked in. She quickly made her way to Zero.

“Hi pops,” Alyssa greeted and smiled so widely that Zero could have done a full dental check right there and then. She didn’t bother sitting down.

“Ready to leave then?” Zero asked, knowing full well that it was an empty wish. As if they’d be going back to the resort.

Alyssa kept smiling and tilting her head from side to side: “Well we were thinking could we rent jet skis? Please dad we would be so so super-duper careful! _I promise_!”

Zero bit his lip. He didn’t really care. They had done that before and it had been fine. But Zero knew full well that the kids wouldn’t have come off the beach to ask him if Jude had agreed to that. Jude was, in Zero’s opinion, a bit too tight and way too overprotective. But that wasn’t something he could say to Alyssa, even if they both thought so.

“You have to be sixteen to drive one here. I’m sorry sweetie,” Zero said and took a sip of his drink.

“Eli’s sixteen! I can just sit at the back. It’ll be fine! We won’t do anything crazy,” Alyssa tried to reason.

Zero shook his head at that, which seemed to annoy Alyssa. She pouted in a highly exaggerated way and crossed her arms. Zero told her no again. He wasn’t falling for this. _No way_. Alyssa took a deep, dramatic breath and shook her head softly.

“I guess I have to tell daddy that you’re at your fourth drink already and it’s only three in the afternoon,” She said, looking theatrical.

“How did you know that?” Zero asked. Which he immediately knew to be a mistake.

Alyssa flashed her bright smile again; “I didn’t but now I do! Lucky guesses, daddy. So, can you come to sign the parental consent papers?”

Every time. _Every goddamn time._ How had Zero maybe it this far, when a fourteen-year-old managed to set him up like that? The greatest mystery of the modern day.

“No way. I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” Zero deadpanned, but Alyssa wasn’t backing up.

“I’ll tell dad! Hell, I’ll even tell him that you’re using his work credit card,” Alyssa said and quickly continued; “Sorry for swearing.” 

“Well I’ll tell him it was you who made the smiley face on his back with sunscreen!” Zero threatened. It was just a silly game at this point.

“You wouldn’t! Dad you promised not to say anything!” Alyssa exclaimed.

Zero wouldn’t tell on her. He, Ally and Elias had thought it would be hilarious to make a big smiley face on Jude’s back with SPF80 sunscreen when he was sound asleep on a sunbed. And it had been! Up until Jude had noticed of course and hadn’t been able to take the joke. It had been just a dumb prank. In retrospect Zero should have known that Jude would not find it funny. He wasn’t exactly the type to goof around. Whole thing had been fixed with a quick spray tan, but none of them had had the balls to admit on doing it. Zero would never admit it, but Jude could be quite intimidating when he was pissed off. It was kinda hot.

Alyssa leaned back and showed a thumbs down to Elias, who was staring at them through the class doors. He opened his arms in what Zero could only describe as disbelief. They had probably agreed on sending in Alyssa since Zero had harder time telling her no. It was solely because Alyssa hold nothing back. Zero appreciated ruthlessness as a personality trait, but it wasn’t so great when trying to reason with a 14-year-old.

“Okay whatever. But can we go somewhere to eat then?” Alyssa asked, accepting her faith.

“Yeah sure. Do you want to go to the resort or someplace else?” Zero kept his finger crossed. Maybe he could get away from the beach now.

Alyssa exchanged looks with Elias, who looked confused on the other side of the class. He could have just walked in but chose not to.

“I don’t mind, but I want to take a shower before we go. And also, Elias said he wants burgers again. Can you please say no to that? Four days in a row is just too much,” Alyssa requested and Zero agreed. Anything to get off the beach.

Alyssa promised to go get both Elias and Jude and that they would meet up at the bar in few minutes, since it was so close to the parking lot. Perfect deal. Zero would have time to have his drink in peace, since there was no way in hell that the trio would get their stuff gathered in minutes. Might have been bit of a dick move, but Zero wouldn’t be going to help. He was so sick of sand.

“Mind if I join you?” a man with an American accent asked. Zero turned to the guy. He was the one who had come in just before Alyssa. He didn’t seem like a noisy fan or a creep. Obviously, odd qualities didn’t always show, but he seemed like a normal person.

Zero told him to sit down. A little small talk wouldn’t kill him. He would be able to escape in a minute anyway. The guy introduced himself as Patrick. Zero told him that his name was Gideon. He wasn’t lying, even if he never used that. It hadn’t been once or twice that Zero had had a casual conversation with someone who didn’t recognize his face, but then changed the tone of it immediately after hearing his name. _Better safe than sorry_.

“She looks like you,” Patrick said and nodded towards the kids negotiating by the doors; “Your daughter, I assume.”

“It’s the hair. She’s adopted, actually,” Zero clarified. He made eye contact with Elias and gestured them to move with his hand. They always got stuck chit-chatting.

Patrick shrugged; “Could’ve fooled me. Funny coincidence.”

It was true though. Alyssa looked a lot alike with Zero. Same narrow face and slightly pointy nose. That and the blonde hair. It really was a funny coincidence. A conspiracy theory about her actually being Zero’s bio-child that he had abandoned and then picked up the slack years later had circled on the internet for few years. Zero had always been amazed how wild theories people could come up with. It was intriguing to follow.

“How do you like Aruba?” Patrick asked and took few peanuts from the snack bowl on the counter.

“Nice place. Beautiful. Not a huge fan of the beach,” Zero said. He took a sip of his drink. Somehow, he was now a bit ashamed of his blue cocktail.

“You’re in the wrong place then. Your wife decided the destination?” Patrick joked.

“Husband, actually,” Zero corrected. Patrick apologized, but again, Zero didn’t really care. Whatever if people assumed that he was straight. Some might have been offended, but Zero wasn’t about to get into a twist over something like that. Also, the guy seemed not to have any idea of who he was, which was refreshing. It was nice to be able to lay-low every once in a while.

Even though Zero loved all the attention that he got and couldn’t imagine his life without the cameras flashing every time he went out, he liked moments like this. When he was able to fly under radar. It was fun to be a nobody. To be able to interact with people who didn’t want something from him.

It took fifteen minutes for Jude and the kids to show up. They had few bags with them but didn’t struggle with carrying the stuff. So maybe Zero wasn’t so bad for not going to help in the first place. Zero had been chatting with Patrick the whole time. He was from Colorado. Not a sports fan based on how he had missed the few references Zero had made. Stuck on a holiday with a couple of kids, just like Zero. Not that Zero wasn’t loving his time there. Zero excused himself and left a tip on the counter before going.

“You good?” Zero asked from Jude and took the bag from him. Jude nodded, but didn’t say anything. He looked past Zero into the bar. _This again?_ Jude had been tense about every person that Zero had talked to on the holiday. Zero chose not to address it. It was better not to.

The kids’ laughter rang loud as they walked to the car. Zero couldn’t help but laugh when Elias chased Alyssa with an open water bottle, attempting to spill some of the liquid on Alyssa. They ran back and forth on the pavement. Jude told them to cut it, but Zero bumped him with his elbow to tell him to allow it. It was just water anyway.

Jude didn’t look happy. He seemed bothered. Zero didn’t like it. Everything had been so well. Zero had been on his best behavior, _except for the sunscreen incident_ , and done his best to make this holiday a smooth sailing. Obviously, one couldn’t constantly be on cloud nine, but moping wasn’t a good look on Jude. Zero saw enough of that at home.

“What did I do now?” Zero asked when the kids were out of earshot. Jude didn’t even try to look at Zero.

“Everything’s not about you, Zero,” Jude said. _Yeah sure_. Zero called bullshit on that.

“This is though, isn’t it?”

Jude didn’t answer. Zero hated his silence. The way he shut Zero out when he was embarrassed to admit being hurt. It was so stupid. They could both see that something was off, but Jude always chose not to say anything. It was irritating. Annoying, really. So, Zero dropped it. _Whatever_. They would talk later. Maybe they’d be in a better mood after lunch.

The drive back to the resort went the same way as always. Elias and Alyssa started a fight over nothing, Jude kept staring at the road to ignore it and Zero tried his best to play a peacemaker. His specialty of empty threats and blackmail were on the table again. But it worked, as always.

When they got to the resort, Jude got up from the car and banged the door closed. Okay, Mr. Moody. There was no reason to be so aggressive. Zero didn’t get it. What was up with him? A quick glance at the kids via the rearview mirror suggested that they might have had something to do with it. Elias wasn’t very good at hiding quilt.

“What happened?” Zero asked and turned to face the kids. Elias looked at the floor.

“It was a bad joke and I want to apologize for it. I didn’t mean anything by it and like, _uh_ , it wasn’t funny and like I didn-,”

Alyssa seemed to get fed up with the dance around and cut her brother’s speech: “Eli said that if you pick up a new man from the bar, you better do a prenup ‘cause he doesn’t want to share the inheritance. And dad heard. And he did not laugh. _At all_.”

“And after that _Ally_ said that dad could marry a younger model as a revenge!” Elias chimed in and Zero couldn’t but to roll his eyes. _Fucking fantastic_. Zero managed to piss off Jude often enough on his own. He really didn’t need the kids to mess things up as well.

“Nice of you to throw me under the bus like that!” Alyssa slapped Elias’s arm and continued; “I tried to fix the situation.”

Zero took a deep breath. He was annoyed, to say at least. But he understood that they had been just messing around and trying to poke fun out of what they could. And Zero could probably point a blaming finger at himself, since he made far worse jokes when the kids could hear. But he was angry. Zero wasn’t sure with who though.

“I just can’t with you two. Take your things. Let’s go,” Zero said as calmly as he could. He wasn’t going to be telling the kids off. Even if the joke had been insensitive, Jude was the adult and the way he acted was just utterly ridiculous. And Zero may or may not have been getting fed up with Jude’s odd behavior anyway so now he got something to confront him about.

The shower was running in their hotel room when Zero got there. He left the bags by the door and sat down on the couch to wait. He didn’t want to start a fight now, but he wanted to talk with Jude. Clear the air. Or well no. Zero wanted to set the tone for the more serious conversation that they would be having later. What this was _really_ about was surely something other than bad humor from the kids.

Jude had been locked in the bathroom for half an hour before finally coming out. In the meantime, Zero had teased himself with scenarios that ranged from moderately likely to impossible. Point being that overthinking was making him react too strongly and he had a bad feeling that their discussion wouldn’t be very fruitful.

“Should I go first or do you want to start?” Zero asked and leaned back on the couch. He noticed how he was getting unnecessarily aggressive already. Zero had been more sensitive with Jude’s actions than usual. He wasn’t sure why. It may have been because something about Jude had been a little off. Or maybe that was just an excuse.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Jude said, not facing Zero. The time he spent looking for his clothes was too long. At this point he was just avoiding looking at Zero. _Childish_.

Zero tried not to clench his jaw. It always gave away how pissed he actually was, and he didn’t want to show that now. All he wanted was to have a civil conversation. Probably an empty wish. Jude seemed to be on the edge again. Zero couldn’t understand why Jude was being like this. There was more to it than stupid jokes, but Jude was keeping it all in. Once again.

Jude dressed slowly, still facing the closet. Zero took his time to observe him. Jude’s hands were shaking. Not much, but Zero could see it when Jude buttoned his shirt. Small movement, starting from his elbows. Weird. To be fair that may have been simply caused by low blood sugar. Hours in the sun without a proper meal could do that. Jude took deep breaths. But that was quite typical for him as well. Nothing too out of the ordinary.

“Can we go now?” Jude asked as he put his watch on. Jude struggled with closing the buckle.

“Not before you tell me what’s going on with you,” Zero deadpanned. Jude answered with a shrug. Not good enough: “Jude?”

Jude didn’t say anything, but finally turned to face Zero. He looked annoyed. Not angry or sad. Just bothered. Zero didn’t know what to think about that. Anger and misery were easier to handle than annoyance. Zero usually just managed to piss off Jude, which eventually lead to anger for obvious reasons.

“Why are being like this?” Zero asked. He tried his best not to come off as aggressive – which was most likely poorly executed attempt.

“Like what?” Jude snapped back. He had heat in his voice.

“Like a bitch,” Zero said and immensely regretted it. Why had he just said that? Jude didn’t look pleased. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

Zero quickly apologized, but the damage was done. Politeness was thrown out of the window just like that. Zero started to understand how much Jude’s odd behavior had actually bothered him. Jude had been distant and easily annoyed for weeks. He was always sensitive and Zero loved that about him, but now Jude had been moodier than usual. _Shifty_. It made Zero uneasy. He hated it when he couldn’t predict how people were going to act.

Zero was a strategy player through and through. He planned everything and was careful with how he executed his plans. The key was in structure and educated guesses. Risks with a high reward. But he had never had any of that with Jude. Jude triggered Zero’s impulses in a way he couldn’t even describe. The good and the bad - Jude brought it all up. That was why Zero kept saying stupid things to him and blurting out feelings he wasn’t planning on confessing.  
  


“We can talk about this later, okay? I’m sorry,” Zero tried. Jude didn’t look like he was interested at all.

“I have to take a call from work,” Jude stated.

_Bullshit_.

“Don’t do that,” Zero said and Jude shrugged again as if he had no idea what Zero was talking about.

Jude took out his laptop bag, even though both of them knew full well that Jude was lying. There was no call. Jude had been ready to go minutes ago but had apparently remembered the non-existent company call all of sudden. It was the oldest trick in the book and really rubber Zero the wrong way.

“Fine. Play the victim.” Zero wasn’t sure why he was overreacting like this. It was probably because of those cocktails that he had had. Alcohol made his filter disappear. Which essentially meant that Zero was being an asshole for no good reason. Although now he kind of had a reason, since Jude had started this. But whatever.

“Says the martyr,” Jude mumbled back.

Zero closed the door behind him with a bang. He was being stupid. Oversensitive. Unnecessarily mean. But he didn’t care. Or maybe he did. Yes, he did care. A bit too much maybe. He wouldn’t be this way if he didn’t give a damn. _Whatever._

***

“Do you think dad is mad at us?” Alyssa asked. She was feeling a bit guilty. It had been just a dumb joke obviously, but it didn’t make hurting people’s feelings okay. And Alyssa definitely didn’t want to start a family feud on a holiday.

Elias was laid on his back on his bed and threw skittles into his mouth. Most of them missed – if Alyssa hadn’t been worried about dads, she would have been going off at Elias for wasting so many candies with letting them roll to the floor.

“Which one?” Eli asked and offered candies to Alyssa. She didn’t take any.

“Either, really,” Alyssa answered. She had been thinking about Jude, but both dads were a bit pissed now that she thought of it. Fantastic. Dinner would be awful, Alyssa just knew it in her gut.

Elias put the bag away and fished back the missed skittles from the bed. After that he poured them back into the bag from his hand. Alyssa told him that he was disgusting, but Elias didn’t seem to mind. He looked thoughtful.

“I don’t think that Zero’s mad. He’s way more chill, isn’t he? But like Jude probably is,” Elias guessed.

“Yeah but with me or you? Like which on of us was worse?”

The answer was probably Alyssa. She knew in her heart that Jude liked Elias more. He was a basketball star in the making and they could talk about that for hours on end. Alyssa was fairly sure that Jude couldn’t give two shits about her dance recitals or extracurriculars. They never had much to talk about. Zero wasn’t like that. He always listened, asked questions and cheered her on. That was why Alyssa sometimes called him the nice dad. Surely both of their dads loved them very much, but you know. Jude was a bit distant. Had always been.

Elias scratched his arm. Alyssa couldn’t say was he thinking or was he just avoiding answering. They stayed quiet for a bit before Elias took a deep breath and gestured Alyssa to sit down.

“I don’t think we should worry about this. We already apologized and it was clearly a joke. Don’t take this too seriously,” Elias said and painted a faint smile on his face.

“Easy for you to say,” Alyssa laughed half-heartedly.

“I’m just trying to say that you tend to be a bit too sensitive sometimes. It’s probably fine. Don’t stress it,” Elias said. He was probably right. Alyssa really had a tendency to overreact. That was just what she was like. She was just afraid that their family would break. It was a frightening thought.

Every once in a while Alyssa wondered what it would be like if their dads actually got a divorce. She would probably wound up living with Zero. Jude was constantly away or emotionally unavailable anyway. But it would be horrible. Many of Alyssa’s friends had parents who were no longer together and it sounded all kinds awful. Obviously, dads were not going to break up because of a joke, but Alyssa still feared it.

“Your energy is negative,” Elias stated and wiped his glasses with the hem of his shirt.

“Yeah and Saturn is in the rising on Sagittarius,” Alyssa laughed.

“Aye c’mon, I looked up my horoscope once! One time!” Elias laughed as well but sounded defensive. It was true. Alyssa had caught Elias looking up what his rising sign was, and Alyssa would forever make fun of it – mostly just because Elias was so embarrassed about it.

They joked around for a moment and Alyssa almost ate one of the skittles that Elias had already touched, when he offered them to her again. _Gross_. Thankfully dad called them to come down before Alyssa had to feast on the contaminated candies. Elias couldn’t understand what the problem was with touching the skittles and Alyssa promised herself never to trust any man’s level of hygiene.

Jude wasn’t in the lobby, when Alyssa and Elias got there. ‘Conference call’, dad said. He must have known that neither Alyssa or Elias was going to buy that. They exchanged knowing looks when Zero turned his back to them as they walked down to the restaurant. At least they wouldn’t need to listen to passive aggressive comments from Jude. Alyssa was a bit worried that they had gone too far with the jokes, but they would probably get a lecture if they had. So why to stress?

***

Zero was sitting alone at the resort’s restaurant. Kids had eaten and Zero had _encouraged_ them to find something to do. They had been quick to get up and had headed to the tennis courts. Zero was thankful that they were gone, as harsh as that may have sounded. He just needed some time to breathe.

Jude had yet to show up. Zero was convinced it wasn’t because work things came to the way even if he had said so. Jude had a tendency to mope. And Zero knew, oh how he knew that the things he had said had hurt Jude. _Why was he such a dick?_ Obviously, Jude was getting in a twist over nothing. Zero didn’t understand where this was all coming from. He, to his knowledge, had done absolutely nothing wrong.

Jude had been acting odd before the trip as well. It might have had something to do with the Devils. One of the board members had retired just few weeks before their trip. Jude hadn’t said anything, but his behavior had been slightly off after the retirement bash. Zero assumed that Jude had either heard or seen something that suggested that a change was coming. He saw everything coming before anyone else. Like a canary in a coal mine.

“Can I join you? Again,” A familiar voice asked with light tone. Zero realized that he had been staring straight down at the table. Embarrassing. Patrick was standing on the other side of the table. Why was he there? Patrick seemed to pick up Zero’s confusion.

“I’m staying here as well and noticed you here,” Patrick said and rubbed his neck; “Or well Chloe did. My daughter. She’s a fan of your daughter’s I guess”

Zero tried not to show it, but he was taken a back. Fan of Alyssa? How. Why. Zero was the celebrity! Not Ally. Zero knew that he wasn’t controlling his face as well as he should have. Patrick laughed. Zero assumed it wasn’t supposed to come off as rude. It wasn’t, but Zero didn’t like it when people laughed at him rather than with him.

“Sit down,” Zero told Patrick but wasn’t sure why he did that. He wasn’t the type to be eager to socialize with technical strangers. At least usually wasn’t. Zero kicked a chair to move it from under the table to encourage Patrick to settle.

The conversation flew as easily as it had at the bar earlier - after Zero got over his ridiculous reaction. Patrick told him that his kid had spotted them from across the restaurant. His daughters were dancers and that’s why they knew Ally. There was a reason why different medias took interest in her. A star in the making. Zero was so proud. Jude was worried. Zero was afraid that Jude would be putting Alyssa down and damaging her career. Jude thought that a teen didn’t need a career or a profession yet. They didn’t exactly see eye to eye on that.

They drank few beers and talked like old friends. Zero tried to make sure he didn’t say anything he wouldn’t say in an interview. He wouldn’t want to have his tipsy comments on tabloid fronts. It was an easy task. He knew how to dodge the questions he didn’t want to answer. How to not say anything that would sound crude after being taken out of context. He knew how it was done effortlessly.

Zero had relaxed. Almost forgotten about the argument he had had with Jude. Up until he saw how Jude was walking up to the table. He was wearing the same broody expression that Zero had gotten too familiar over the years. Sad eyes, tight lips. Jude was walking too fast to look casual. He really didn’t know how to lay low when he was pissed.

“Hello,” Zero said when Jude pulled out a chair and sat down. He tried his best not to sound cold or bitter.

“Patrick Burke,” Patrick introduced himself and offered his hand for Jude to shake. Jude looked away. It took a lot self-control for Zero not to roll his eyes. Why Jude insisted on behaving like this? Patrick looked confused. Zero didn’t blame him for that.

Zero wasn’t sure what to do. Patrick looked very confused and Jude looked like he was few seconds away from committing murder. Zero didn’t want to cause a scene. He didn’t want curious eyes on them. People tended to be nosy and public fights never went unnoticed.

“This is my husband, Jude,” Zero did the introduction. No one seemed to be at ease. Jude grunted, still looking away from Patrick. _Lord give me strength_. Zero tried his best to breathe deep and let it go. Let go of his annoyance. It didn’t go very well.

Patrick stayed for few more minutes, before getting up and excusing himself. The conversation had died down entirely, and Jude’s moody glances made everyone uncomfortable. Patrick had tried to lighten the mood with few jokes, but it had only made the situation worse. Zero knew he’d never see Patrick again when he walked away.

“Satisfied?” Zero asked.

Jude eyes were sad. He didn’t answer. Zero didn’t keep pressing. He washed down the remaining of his beer. It was warm. Zero hated warm beer.

Zero wanted to tell Jude that he was being ridiculous. That he couldn’t believe just how childish he was being. That Jude was ruining their holiday. That this was all his fault and Jude could go fuck himself, because Zero was fed up with him and his drama. That Zero wanted him to go sulk somewhere else. That he didn’t care. But he didn’t. He wouldn’t.

Neither of them said anything for a while. They sat in silence. Zero eyed other groups. No one seemed to have noticed the incident. There was a young couple dining next to them. Their eyes sparkled and Zero saw how they were in their own little bubble without a worry in the world. Behind them a small family was waiting for their dishes and the mom tried to get the kids to sit down. There was woman eating alone, scrolling through her phone, looking unbothered. Zero would rather had been any of them.

“I think I’m gonna go,” Zero said and was about to stand up, but settled back down when Jude took hold of his hand.

“Don’t,” Jude asked in a small voice.

Zero didn’t.

They sat in silence for a moment longer. Jude rubbed Zero’s palm with his thumb. Zero saw that something bothered him. It had to be more than just that stupid joke. Jude was sensitive, but not like that. He wasn’t this fragile – not if some bigger things weren’t pressing on his mind.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I shouldn’t have said that?” Zero started.

“Which part? Calling me a bitch or accusing me of playing the victim?” Jude asked to clarify.

Zero had to remind himself that he was trying to be the bigger person here and that Jude had a right to feel hurt – even if Zero thought that he was making this way harder that it had to be

“Both.”

“Okay.”

“Is that all you’ve got to say to me?” Zero asked. He tried his best to sound calm. Soothing. Literally anything but confronting. It wasn’t easy.

Jude huffed. It didn’t sound annoyed or mad. Zero knew that Jude could be very proud. He didn’t like to admit it when he was in the wrong or being unreasonable. Zero understood it. He was the same. But it was annoying, Zero wouldn’t try to lie to himself about how he felt about it.

“I’m just tired. I wish I wasn’t here,” Jude said. He was looking at something in the distance. Zero hated how hollow he looked.

“Is it because of me?” Zero asked.

Jude shook his head; “No. You know how it can get. I’m just worried about things at home,” Jude said. He wasn’t telling something. What was he so worried about? He hadn’t said anything. Perhaps he couldn’t just yet, if it had something to do with the Devils. Zero wanted to believe so.

“Do you want to go home?”

Jude didn’t answer, but that said everything. Zero wasn’t sure what to say. He was disappointed. He had waited for this holiday for a long time and was happy to finally be here. But he didn’t want to force Jude to stay. The kids would be devastated if they made them leave early. Zero would have to stay with them if Jude wanted to go. It was just another week anyways.

They sat there in silence for a while. Hand in hand. Zero’s palm was getting sweaty, but Jude didn’t seem to care. He squeezed Zero’s hand tightly. It was an odd moment. Calm. Zero had prepared for an explosion, but that hadn’t happened.

  
“Would you mind taking a walk?” Jude asked. His voice broke at the end of the question. It worried Zero.

They got up and left the restaurant. Zero felt like everyone was staring at them. That every single person in the room knew that something wasn’t right. That everyone else knew exactly what was going on. Zero tried his best to shake it off. It was ridiculous and he knew it.

The resort was quiet. They walked towards the beach in silence. Zero let his hand brush against Jude’s, but something kept him from taking it into his. Warm wind blow from the sea. Zero liked it. Jude looked nice in the yellow light with his dark hair messed up from the wind. He didn’t look as tense as he had before. His shoulders were relaxed. It made Zero feel more at ease as well.

Zero kicked his shoes off, when they got to the sand. Jude did the same. They left their shoes by the stairs that led to the beach. It was dark. Zero couldn’t tell the colors anymore. There was music playing somewhere. Too far for Zero to make up the words.

Jude walked few steps ahead. Zero wasn’t sure where they were going. He had time to study Jude’s body language. He kept rubbing his ringers against each other and correcting his posture. Jude had always been terrible at hiding his moods. Apparently Zero was the same. Like an open book. It wasn’t a nice thought. Zero didn’t need everyone knowing what he felt and when.

They stopped after walking for few minutes. Jude sat on the sand and Zero followed in suit. Waves washed over the beach. They weren’t close enough for the water to touch them. Dark, endless sea was a calming sight. Zero had always loved watching the ocean. He just hated the beach.

“Do you want to be with me?” Jude asked. It was a dumb question.

“Of course _, stupid_. You’re all that I want. _The only one_ that I want.”

Jude huffed, but he didn’t sound annoyed. Zero saw a small smile creeping to his face. Silence fell again. This time it was more comfortable, not incredibly awkward like it had been before. Zero liked this about Jude. That they didn’t always have to talk. They didn’t need to.

“I did something stupid a while ago,” Jude said in a low voice. He was staring at the sea. Zero didn’t try to search for eye contact.

“Do you want to tell me what it was?”

“Not really,” Jude said. Zero nodded even though Jude probably didn’t see it.

Zero was curious. He wanted to know. It could be anything. But he knew that sometimes it was better to be oblivious. He trusted Jude. He wouldn’t do anything too reckless. Or that was what Zero chose to believe. It was a leap of faith he chose to take time after time. And would in the future as well. Jude had never done anything to break Zero’s trust.

“How bad it is?”

Jude took a deep breath: “Pretty bad.”

“Prison bad?”

“No, nothing like that,” Jude assured.

“Good,” Zero said. He finally took hold of Jude’s hand. Their finger linked. Zero liked it. It felt safe. _Comforting._

Zero chose not to ask any more questions. Jude would tell if he wanted and when he wanted. For now, Zero was good with this. It made sense that there was something bothering Jude. Something that had nothing to do with Zero or the kids or idiotic jokes that meant nothing. Zero was happy that Jude finally admitted that something wasn’t quite right. That was enough.

Jude leaned his head against Zero’s shoulder. Zero moved closer and wrapped his arm around Jude’s waist. Neither of them said anything for a while. Nothing needed to be said. The music had died down. All Zero could hear was the ocean. It was nice.

Zero felt his shirt getting wet from hot tears. Jude sniffed quietly and Zero pulled him closer.

“It will be alright,” Zero promised and kissed the top of Jude’s head.

Jude draw circles to Zero’s back with his fingers. Zero hoped that Jude would find solace in the way they were there for each other. That whatever it was it would go off easy like a breeze. Jude was smart. He would figure it out. Zero was sure.

“I love you,” Zero whispered into Jude’s hair.

Jude took a deep, shaky breath before saying it back: “I love you too.”

Zero felt how more tears dropped from Jude’s eyes onto his shirt. He dried Jude’s cheek with his fingers. Jude’s breathing slowly calmed down and he laid his head closer to Zero’s chest. The track of time had been lost a long time ago, when Jude finally pulled away.

“It will be alright,” Zero repeated. Jude nodded and smiled. Oh, how Zero loved to see that smile. It still managed to make him melt.

“Let’s get back,” Jude said and got up. He offered his hand for Zero to grab and helped him up as well.

They made their way off the beach and to the staircase back to the resort. Zero took his chance to admire Jude, when he was tying his shoes. Zero loved everything about him. So much it almost hurt. Thinking about it squeezed his heart. Jude was his everything. Absolutely everything.

He would never want to lose Jude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello babies!
> 
> I know it's been forever, but I'm back. I try to update again asap, but I can't promise anything. Thank you so much for all the comments and support. 
> 
> Love you all. Stay safe <3
> 
> PS. If you’re confused about what the heck was the stupid thing Jude had done I recommend going all the way back to the chapter 5. Maybe it had something to do with the retirement party...


	18. Everybody Makes Mistakes

“I hate everything about this,” Alyssa declared as she walked into Elias’s room. She hadn’t knocked, which annoyed Elias, but he decided not to comment on that. Alyssa was going off and she hated being interrupted; “I just called dad and he said that we can’t be alone with him for two weeks! That’s such bullshit honestly. I can’t even remember the last time I talked one-on-one with dad, I mean Jude, obviously. Like he can neglect us for years and da- Zero goes out one time and we get shipped here. I can’t believe this!”

“Don’t exaggerate. He hasn’t always been like this,” Elias corrected. He didn’t like the way Alyssa talked about Jude. She could be so cold. Granted that Jude hadn’t exactly been the best dad lately, but he wasn’t as bad as Alyssa made it out to be.

Elias felt guilty about everything that was going on. Things had started to go rapidly downhill ever since Alyssa’s birthday party. Alyssa had told Elias about confronting Zero about him cheating on Jude. Elias was positive that she would not have done that if he hadn’t planted the thought into her head the day before. And he had been a bit of a dick to Zero at the party as well. In the retrospect it was such a stupid conclusion to come to – that Zero would cheat on Jude. Not to mention that telling Alyssa had been an idiotic thing to do. She had terrible impulse control and always, _always_ blurted out things that should have been kept unsaid.

If that would have been all that he had done, Elias might have been fine with it. Perhaps. _Maybe_. There was something he regretted more than all the other things combined. But he couldn’t tell anyone. He just couldn’t. 

Elias had spent a lot time going through everything that was going on. Something odd had been happening for a while now, but it had escalated quickly after the conversation he had had with Zero at the dinner table. Elias couldn’t remember what he had said exactly, but it had been the first time that he had brought up that he and Alyssa felt like something wasn’t quite right. Jude had been gone quickly after that. Nothing had been like it had used to be after that. Elias hated the fact that he had been the one to push down the snowball that this situation was.

The breakdown Elias had had in the bathroom after fighting with Jude was also bothering him. He hadn’t had those in a long time. What if it would happen again? What if this time he would actually hit someone because he was upset? It was a really scary thought. Elias hated the way his mind went dark sometimes. All he could see, feel and hear in that moment had been buzzing. It had blurred out everything. Seeing Noah basically naked in his parent’s room had been too much. _Way too much_. Elias was terrified of the possibility that it could happen again. But he didn’t want to talk about any of it to Jude.

Elias had called Zero last night. He had bawled like a little kid when he had told Zero about his fears. That he was afraid to talk to Jude because it could make him angry. That he had woken up in terror after having a nightmare in which he did something really bad. That seeing Jude with Noah made his blood boil in a way he had never experienced before, and he had no idea how to stop it. And how guilty he felt crying about it to Zero, who was the one that was being hurt in this situation. Elias was embarrassed about the call even if saying thing out loud had helped. He was just worried that Zero would freak out because of the things that he had said.

“Hello? Eli?” Alyssa called and waved her hand in front of Elias’s face: “Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course, I am,” Elias lied. He had no idea what Alyssa had been saying. He had completely zoned out of her rant. Hopefully, she hadn’t been asking any questions.

Alyssa had sat down on the floor. She looked annoyed. Elias felt bad for not listening. It appeared that he was feeling guilty about everything lately. But there wasn’t much he could do about it. Some things were his fault after all. Some stuff he could rationalize not to have happened because of him. But for example, Jude and Zero’s fight at Alyssa’s party could be directly traced back to Elias telling his theories to Alyssa. There was no way around it. No matter how much it hurt.

“Why do you always defend Jude?” Alyssa asked and played with the hem of her shirt. She didn’t look at Elias; “You’ve said yourself that he’s been bit of a, you know, a dick lately.”

Elias took a deep breath. He couldn’t tell Alyssa what he thought of the whole thing. That it was kind of his fault and that crippling feeling of guilt was eating him alive, so being on Jude’s side helped to ease his mind. Of course, it wasn’t only about that. Jude wasn’t this emotionless monster that Alyssa was trying to make him out to be. Jude wasn’t a perfect dad, but neither was Zero. _Everybody makes mistakes._

The fact that Elias could somewhat understand Jude didn’t mean he was okay with any of this. Elias was furious. He hated Jude for doing this. Hated. Nothing was like it had used to be. And for what? For Noah? Elias couldn’t wrap his head around it. Sure, Noah was nice enough, but he had showed up out of nowhere. He was _a stranger_. At first Elias had assumed that Jude and Noah had known each other for a while, but he had been shocked to his core when Jude told him that they had literally just met. That was one thing that they had fought about. That no one knew anything about Noah – not even Jude.

“Elias? Hellooo? Answer the question!”

“Chill out damn,” Elias said and turned to his back. He didn’t want to be face to face with Alyssa when they talked about stuff like this; “I think you’re being unfair to him. He’s trying his best.”

Alyssa scoffed: “Trying his best? Are you for real? He’s not even trying.”

Elias had a feeling that this discussion wouldn’t go anywhere. Alyssa was hard to reason with on a good day and straight up impossible when she was mad. And for what Elias had gathered she was furious and nowhere near ready to bury the hatchet. 

“Yeah, I think he is. He might not be the father of the year, but he probably has good intentions. He just wants to be happy and tries to work towards that.” Elias decided not to mention that he thought that Jude was being selfish, and Elias pretty much hated his guts.

“Whatever. He never cared about me anyway,” Alyssa said, and Elias couldn’t help but to roll his eyes.

“You know that that isn’t true,” Elias tried to remind.

“It is though.”

Elias chose to drop it. He wasn’t going to talk about this with Alyssa. _It was so stupid_. They both knew full well that she was Zero’s favorite, but she still managed to get jealous of the fact that Elias got along with Jude better than she did. They simply had more in common and that was okay. Alyssa just couldn’t accept the fact that everything wasn’t about her. Elias loved her to bits but sometimes she was a little too self-centered.

For Elias’s fortune, Jude called them down to eat. He was glad that he had managed avoiding telling Alyssa to suck it up. Mostly because Elias knew full well that he was being unreasonable as well. Ally was allowed to feel bad and Elias wasn’t on cloud nine either. He just didn’t like to be vocal about it. People handled their emotional baggage in different ways.

Jude was sitting at the table that was already set when Elias and Alyssa got there. That was odd. They were always forced to set the table and Jude usually never let them off the hook. Then again it had been a while since they had had dinner together, so he was probably just trying to be nice. That wasn’t the only thing Jude seemed to try to be nice with.

Jude had cooked his specialty: garlic butter steak with sweet potatoes and asparagus. It had been Elias’s favorite dish for years. Everyone loved it and it was always a nice surprise when Jude got around to cook it - except now. Elias had been trying to eat vegan for well over a month and Jude had clearly forgotten about it. Elias realized that he wasn’t controlling his face too late. Jude had picked it up.

“What’s wrong?” Jude asked, concerned.

“It’s just uh-, remember that vegan-thing I was trying out?” Elias hated how he kept stumbling over his words. He had never been very articulate.

Jude closed his eyes for a second and shook his head, clearly annoyed. Elias wasn’t sure was it because Jude beat himself for forgetting or because of Elias and his new special requirements.

“But it’s fine, yeah. It’s already cooked. I can eat it,” Elias continued to promise and sat down at the table. Alyssa huffed and Elias knew without looking that she was rolling her eyes.

“Are you sure?” Jude asked and Elias just nodded. _Whatever_. If he would have wanted to cause a scene it would have been about something slightly bigger than this.

Elias wouldn’t lie to himself. He was a bit annoyed with the fact that Jude hadn’t remembered. It wasn’t that hard. Not to mention that Jude had been present countless times when Elias talked about it with Zero – who was _very_ eager to make sure that his diet would support his athletic lifestyle and what not. Zero always made such fuzz about everything.

They didn’t talk much after that. Elias poked his steak few times before realizing that he couldn’t bring himself to eat it. Jude clearly noticed but didn’t say anything about it. Elias was thankful. If Jude had made it into a big deal, Elias would have snapped about other things Jude could have been trying to fix. It was better this way.

Alyssa was getting up right after eating the last piece of her meal, but Jude asked her to sit back down. The way he said it gave away that whatever was coming after was an important matter. Elias was nervous about what was about to come. It could be anything.

Jude put down his cutlery and Elias hated everything about the way he looked at them. Elias could see how Alyssa tried to form an eye-contact with him, but Elias wouldn’t look back. The silence only lasted for few seconds, but it felt like time had been stopped. The moment dragged and Elias had had time to go through all of his worst fears in those short seconds.

“I talked with Zero and _we_ agreed on that it would be the best for you two not to be here right now,” Jude started, and Alyssa cut him right off.

“So, we get to go back to the beach house? _With dad?_ ” Alyssa sounded delighted. It made Elias feel awful. She sounded too happy.

Jude’s eyes went dark. Elias couldn’t tell was it because Alyssa’s excitement hurt him or because whatever Jude had been about to say would crush her cheerfulness right away. It was the second one.

“No. We’re sending you to Ohio to stay with your grandmother. It’s just so we can sort this mess without you two getting tangled up in it as well,” Jude explained. The way he kept looking at Elias squeezed something in his stomach. Elias didn’t like it. Even if the fact that he was getting away felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Now that weight was deep in his stomach. Reminding Elias that he didn’t deserve this. He was the bad guy getting away with the crime.

“Oh, fuck that! I’m not going,” Alyssa bit back. Now she sounded angry. Elias looked down at his hands. He wouldn’t say anything. He couldn’t have said anything even if he had wanted to.

“Don’t swear, Alyssa. We know that this is hard, but it’s to protect you from the media storm. We want what’s best fo-.” Alyssa cut Jude’s speech again.

“What is this _we_? There’s no _we_. You left dad. This is your fault!”

“Ally, lis-,”

“No! I fucking _hate_ you! So fucking much!” Alyssa got up and made sure to make as much noise as possible by letting the chair fall down; “See Eli, this is what I meant. He just wants to get rid of us the first chance he gets!”

Elias didn’t answer anything. Alyssa’s voice turned to a hazy mess. She kept yelling at Jude, who was constantly getting cut off by Alyssa. Elias tried not to listen. He wanted to crawl under the table and close his ears. Let the tears roll down his cheeks. Hide away until this scene was over so he wouldn’t have to hear any of this.

But Elias didn’t do any of that. He just sat still, chin resting against his chest, trying not to hear anything. Of course, he heard it all. The whimper in Alyssa’s voice. Jude’s desperate attempts to calm her down without succeeding. His own breathing that was getting heavier. Alyssa choking on her tears. How hurt Jude was by Alyssa’s words. Alyssa could be so mean. Her words rang in Elias’s head and it felt like they were really targeted at him instead of Jude.

_Why are you even doing this? Why? Just stop lying. You just want to bang your new boyfriend and that’s why you’re-, no stop lying! No! I don’t believe you! Dad would have never sent us away! I don’t care! Dad loves us and you don’t! No! No! You ruined everything! Absolutely everything! I-, stop! Why? Don’t you love us anymore? You never even wanted us, I know! You just keep pushing us away! But you are! You never take any responsibili- NO! Stop saying we! It’s you! This is all you! I hate you. I hate you so much!_

After Alyssa stormed off the room, it became too quiet. Silence was sucking all the energy from the room. Elias didn’t want to look up, but eventually he had to. His glasses were starting to fall off and he finally moved his head to prevent them from dropping down. Jude was staring out of the window. He looked devastated.

Neither of them said anything for a while. The lump in Elias’s throat was slowly melting off. He could breathe again. Elias hadn’t noticed that he was tensing his muscles before he rolled his shoulders and blood started to flow again. He felt like a cold wave had washed over him. He was terrifyingly calm.

Elias knew what this was about. It had to be about the phone call ha had had with Zero last night.

“I guess you talked with dad,” Elias said in a small voice. It was almost a whisper.

Jude took a deep breath and turned his attention back to Elias: “I did. But I also meant what I said. I think it’s best for you two to be as far away from LA as possible right now. You don’t need to be in the eye of this storm.”

Elias wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to ask _what_ Zero had told Jude. Not much, Elias hoped. What if he knew everything that Elias had said? About how mad he was? Elias didn’t want Jude to know about that. Or well, about anything he had said. They never really talked about that stuff.

There were very few people that Elias had ever talked about his problems with. Zero and his therapists were the only ones he had told everything. Alyssa and Miguel knew some of it. Jude probably knew everything as well, but Elias hadn’t been the one who had told him things. It wasn’t that Elias didn’t trust him. Of course, he did. But their relationship wasn’t like that. They talked about everything else – just not about sore subjects.

“What did he say?” Elias asked. He had to force himself keep his head up. Elias couldn’t look directly at Jude, but at least he wasn’t staring down anymore.

“Not much. Just that this is not the best environment for you right now and you’d be better off elsewhere,” Jude talked quietly as well. Like he was scared of breaking something if he talked too loudly; “I understand that you’re hurt. You’re allowed to be. I don’t want to keep you here against your will. This is your home, not a prison.”

Elias didn’t know what to say. _Thank you for not forcing me to stay. I’m glad that you’re sending us away._ Nothing felt appropriate. Elias just wanted away. Right away.

“When will we leave?”

“Next thing tomorrow morning. We already talked with the child protective services. They agreed that it’s a good solution, given our family’s circumstances. You have given your statements to them and since the case is unlikely to go to court, you can leave the state.” Jude was drifting into his work-talk mode. It was easy to notice. He always did that, when he was uncomfortable, Elias knew that much.

Elias nodded. Just one night and he’d get away. One night.

“I can tell Ally that it’s because of me,” Elias promised. He didn’t want to, but he could. Alyssa would hate him for it, but at least then she’d be hating on the right person. Elias was the reason they were going, after all.

“No need to. She already hates me. It’s fine,” Jude said. His voice started to tremble a little towards the end. So, he was hurt.

Neither of them said anything further. That was all. Elias excused himself and put his fork and knife over the untouched steak on his plate. It hadn’t been an intentional clue to underline Jude’s mistake, but Elias kind of hoped that Jude would interpret it as one. Elias lifted up the chair Alyssa had pushed to the floor before he left the room. He didn’t turn to take a double look, but he could have sworn that Jude was on the verge of tears.

Elias hated himself for being happy about Jude’s sorrow, but he couldn’t help it. He had ruined so much. Their family wasn’t the same anymore. The family that Elias loved so deeply. It was broken now. And that was unforgivable. It was easier to hate Jude than it was for Elias to hate himself. He had been the one to give the final push.

Elias had been the one to send out that stupid video from Alyssa’s party. He was the one who had made sure that the whole world knew. And Elias despised himself for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya babycakes!
> 
> So yeah, Elias did that. Yikes. Jude and Zero will have some alone time to try to make sure that the kids stay with them - But can they behave themselves or will it all get even worse? 
> 
> I try to update asap. Please leave a comment, if you're still reading the fic. I'm so sorry that I take forever with publishing new chapters. I 100% understand if that makes it not so interesting to follow the story. Life's been crazy, so I haven't had much time to write. 
> 
> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it! Stay safe, I love you all xxx


	19. Bye Then

Jude tried not to show how bad he felt. This didn’t feel right. None of this did. His heart was crushing. Wrenching. Jude didn’t want to let anyone know how he felt. Especially not the kids. No. He had to suck it up. After all, this was all a result of his actions. Actions that he didn’t regret per se, but he did regret the consequences.

Alyssa had been making sure that everyone knew how much she hated the fact that she was going to Ohio. And how she could no longer stand the sight of Jude. She had spent the previous day screaming and crying about how she couldn’t believe this, and that Jude probably wanted her dead. It was awful and made Jude hurt in ways he hadn’t even known were possible. Jude had no idea how to make it better.

They were at the airport now. Alyssa hadn’t said a word since they had left the house. She was sitting on the other side of the lounge, refusing to be anywhere near anyone from their family. Elias had spoken to Zero, but clearly avoided contact with Jude. Not too much of a surprise. Zero and Elias were chatting by the windows. They looked tense. Jude wondered what they were talking about.

Zero had gotten to the house in the morning and it had been painfully awkward. In a twisted way it had been kind of good that Alyssa hated Jude’s guts, because her tantrum had been a good distraction. She was still convinced that this was all Jude’s evil plot and not for their own good. Neither Jude or Zero wanted the kids anywhere near this mess. Reporters could be ruthless and now that the kids were pulled into it as well, it was better for them not to be with Jude or Zero.

When Jude had called his mother, she had sounded very disappointed with Jude. He hadn’t explained the situation in detail to her, just that the kids needed a safe space to lay low at for few weeks. Luckily, Valerie had been happy to take the kids and hadn’t asked many questions. She rarely did. Jude was convinced it was because years with Oscar had taught her that sometimes it was better to be oblivious.

Jude had no idea what would happen after the kids were sent on their way. Would he just go back home alone? Would Zero come with him? Had Zero planned something? Jude had imagined that they would have had time to talk a bit this morning, but they hadn’t. He didn’t blame Alyssa for her reaction – nor was he surprised. She tended to be like that. If Jude was in her shoes, he would have blown up as well. Oh, how he wished that he could have done that as well.

Not knowing what the future hold made Jude antsy. He had never been easy going or chill, and in situations like this having no control made him climb walls. There were so many moving parts. Jude wasn’t sure what he was worried about the most. His and Zero’s divorce? The possibility that Zero could, in the worst-case scenario, lose custody? Whatever the hell was going on with Elias? The assault charge against Zero? Noah? _Goddamn Noah_.

Noah had pretty much ghosted Jude. Or that was what it felt like. Last time Jude had seen him was the early morning when the kids had been dropped off by the social worker. It had been three days now. Noah had answered Jude’s text messages, but he had been very short and vague with his answers. According to both Noah and Lionel, he hadn’t been part of the ISN crew at the beach house, when Jude had been driving Zero home. Jude still couldn’t believe that Lionel had done that.

Jude had called Lionel first thing after getting home that day. He had been, and still was, furious with Lionel. How she had had the audacity to send a reporter crew to document Zero’s arrival from the jail. She had said it was to protect them – to give out a nicer, cleaner narrative that didn’t bash Zero as a violent maniac who neglected his kids. Jude understood her angle, but he hated the fact that Lionel hadn’t consulted him first. That just wasn’t okay. Not that Jude really had the moral high ground.

Jude had done a lot of thinking during these past few days. He wasn’t proud of the way he had handled this whole situation. He could see that all of this grief his family was going through was his fault. Jude didn’t regret leaving Zero. _No_. That had felt like the right thing to do. The way he had done it? _Not so good_. Sure, he had had good intentions, but those didn’t count for anything.

Alyssa had hit pretty deep with her comments the day before. Jude had never seen her so upset. Just thinking about it made him feel uneasy. Seeing her so wrecked had moved something in Jude. He couldn’t place what it was exactly that he was feeling now. Quilt, maybe? Not only that, but whatever was going on with Elias was stressing Jude.

When Zero had called Jude early in the morning the other day, he had instantly known that something wasn’t right. It had been about four o’clock and Jude knew for a fact that Zero wouldn’t be waking up at that hour if it wasn’t urgent. Zero had been vague and the way he danced around the subject was just strange. It had seriously freaked Jude out.

Right after the phone call Jude had ran to go check on Elias. He had been sound asleep in his bed. When Zero had said that Elias wasn’t in a good mental space and would be better off somewhere else, Jude’s heart had dropped. He shouldn’t have been surprised. That was something that Jude should have been able to see. Pick up. _But he hadn’t_. Jude had thought that Elias had just been moody about the divorce. Of course, he was. But apparently it was more than that and Jude had been so wrapped in his own business that it had gone right over his head.

Jude also felt bad for Zero. Zero hadn’t said it, but Jude knew that he loathed himself for the incident at the club and what it had led to. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. Zero had decided not to sue the guy for defamation. He apparently just wanted the thing to be done and over with. Odds were that he would lose the case anyway.

“This is a boarding call for flight number UA3429. Now boarding at the gate 34.”

That was is. Jude’s heart sunk. He wasn’t sure why. This was the best option for the kids. Maybe it was the part about sending his kids half-way cross the country. And the quilt. And the fact that his whole family hated him with burning passion. Yeah, that was probably it.

They had walked to the gate in silence. Alyssa had walked ahead, making sure not to let anyone come too close. Jude was at the verge of tears. Something about this was just too much for him to handle.

“Pull yourself together,” Zero hissed to Jude when the kids were out of earshot for a second. He sounded annoyed. Guess Jude wasn’t hiding his feeling very well.

Alyssa and Elias would be the last to board. Last to get to the plane, first to get off. Benefits of the first class. Minimum time on the aircraft. Minimum time in the crowd. They had sold their private jets a few years back. They didn’t really need them and with environmental issues being a big selling point, having one didn’t have enough positives. But oh how Jude wished that they had one now. He knew that people would be taking pictures and they would be blasted all around the internet.

Zero’s management team thought that it would be a good idea not to drive straight to the plane, but to show up to the airport just like everyone else did. Their family affairs looked quite messy, so it was important to appear as a family unit. Even if their split was public knowledge, people wanted to see them ‘co-parent in a healthy, civil manner’. _Whatever the hell that meant._ Jude hadn’t really had a choice.

Elias and Alyssa hugged Zero. Elias gave Jude a nod as a goodbye and Jude hated how grown he looked when he made gestures like that.

“Call us when you land. And behave yourselves when you stay with Valerie, okay? She’s a nice lady. Don’t give her any gray hairs,” Zero joked and Elias rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll call _you_ , dad,” Alyssa said and looked directly at Zero as if Jude didn’t even exist. How nice.

“Bye then,” Elias waved his hand awkwardly. He was already turning away, but then spoke to Zero; “I will think about it.”

And with that, they were gone. The hollow feeling in Jude was growing bigger and bigger.

***

“What the hell was that Jude?” Zero asked right after they drove off the parking lot. Jude knew this game. Zero was driving and would continue driving until Jude answered each and every of his questions. He had done that million times before. And it might have been something that Jude had been first to do and Zero was just copycatting.

“What?”

“You moped the whole time. You made no effort. You didn’t even say goodbye to your goddamn children!”

Oh god. Jude hadn’t said goodbye. _Jesus_. He hadn’t even noticed.

“What did you want me to do? Force Ally to talk with me when you know that she would rather eat gravel?”

Zero shook his head: “I don’t know Jude. Maybe it would help if you hadn’t acted like you were about the get executed would have helped. Do you think that this is easy for me? It isn’t. So maybe for once stop acting like you’re the victim here.”

Jude hated Zero’s tone. There was so much anger in his voice. Jude was getting tired of getting yelled at. All he was getting nowadays was yells or silence. He liked neither of those. Jude knew he had screwed up. Of course, he knew. He wasn’t an idiot. But the way literally everyone was treating him wasn’t right either. Zero didn’t look thrilled when Jude told him that.

“Are you serious? For real? Do you have any idea of what you have put me through? I’ve lost everything! All because of you. Maybe it was stupid of me to believe that you wouldn’t fuck me over as royally as you did. Shame on me. Shame on me for thinking that a man who I’ve stood by, who I’ve loved more that I have ever loved myself would do _this_ to me. You know at one point I really thought that we could fix this. That maybe you wouldn’t leave, if I tried. And then I saw that guy at our house. In our bathtub. Do you have any ide-,”

“I get it, okay? I do. I was shitty. There. I said it! Are you happy?” Jude realized that he had raised his voice as well.

“No, I don’t think that you get it. I never thought that you would go this far. All of sudden you shut me out completely and then you blindsided me with the divorce papers. I don’t care that you cheated. _Whatever_. I would have forgiven you. I would have. It hurt like hell, but I was ready to fix this. You know I came to that lawyer’s office thinking that I would bitch for a minute, you would apologize, and we would have gone back home. _Together_. I knew that that guy had been at our home and what not. I thought you just wanted to prove a point or whatever. And then you said-, no you actually didn’t even have the guts to say it, you just gave me the divorce papers. I thought I married a man, but at that moment I remembered what kind of a cowardly mouse you really are. You don’t have the balls. You never had. You fu-,”

“Can we not do this now? Please?” Jude tried his best to stay calm. He was fighting back tears. Zero was hurt. Jude understood it and the way his voice was trembling gave away that Zero was close to breaking down as well. But anger was a driving force. Zero kept going off.

“Do you have any idea of what it felt like to see you dancing the day away with Noah at some stupid party when I was trying to make sure that our son wouldn’t lose it? I can’t believe that you didn’t even call to check up on him after his meltdown. I know that it is hard for you and that it freaks you out. But guess fucking what, it isn’t exactly easy for me either. Or Elias himself. Do you think that he wants to be the way he is? That he wants to struggle with his emotions and have anger issues? You know it broke my heart when you didn’t call. Eli has been defending your sorry ass for weeks. Which, to be frank, I don’t think you deserve. Not at all. The way you ha-,”

“What do you want me to do? I just told you I know that I messed up!” Jude was getting angry. This wasn’t fair. He hadn’t intended for things to spiral down like that had. How on earth could he have ever predicted any of this? Zero was pinning it all on him. Jude was well aware that he wasn’t the good guy in this game, but this? _Uncalled for._

“Stop making excuses and take some damn responsibility. And maybe like consult people before making press releases and statements. Me, especially. Everything you do affects me. _You know that_. Everyone already thinks that I’m the asshole. I haven’t thrown you under the bus. I take the blame. So, could you even do the bare minimum and tell me if you plan to show-off a new not-boyfriend?” Zero’s tone went from accusing to mocking.

Jude bit his lip. Why Zero had to be like this? Mockery got under Jude’s skin. Zero knew that very well. Yelling, swearing, accusations, Jude could deal with those. But mockery? _From Zero?_ That hurt. And maybe Zero was right. Maybe Jude had been inconsiderate, and he should have done things in a different way. _Sure_. But Zero hadn’t been an angel either and hitting under the belt was just plain mean.

“Then do it. Stop with the victim act and tell everyone that this is all my fault. Just do it. But oh wait, you can’t. Because this isn’t all my fault. And you know it,” Jude knew that this was all unnecessary, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Zero laughed. It was a bit hysterical and sent shivers down Jude’s spine. Jude hated the way Zero drove when he was mad. He drove too fast and all the movements he made were too snappy. Jude had regretted giving the keys to Zero right after handing them over. Zero was a good driver, sure, but familiar streets and anger made him a little too sloppy with the gas pedal. Thankfully, they were almost at the house. Soon Jude would be alone.

Jude wanted to scream. He didn’t want to yell insults to Zero or keep fighting. He wanted to be alone in the echoing halls and scream from the top of his lungs. Some might find it horrifying how no one outside could hear the screams from inside of the house. Jude found it calming. He needed to get this stress out of his system. The frustration. The pain.

Neither of them said anything for the rest of the journey. Zero slowed down when they got to the gates of their community.

“That’s not why I haven’t done it,” Zero said.

“Then why? Get off your high horse already. We have established that you have the moral high ground,” Jude was getting annoyed. His mood was swinging.

Zero drove to their house. He killed the engine. Neither of them made a move to get up. Zero was looking the house. His eyes were glazed. Sparkling under the sun. Jude could see how he was fighting back the tears. He felt a stab in his heart. He had been attacking Zero for no reason. Jude knew it. He did. Zero had every right to be upset and even though his outbursts had been more or less aggressive, he was still allowed to tell Jude what he felt like.

Truth to be told, Jude had been running away from Zero. He didn’t want to face him. Hear what he had had to say. They had spoken about things few times. After the disaster at Alyssa’s birthday party, they had spent hours yelling at each other over the phone. Both of them had been throwing out accusations and neither had been willing to listen to a word the other had to say. Or that was how Jude felt. Apart from those phone calls, Jude couldn’t recall a single time when they actually had a discussion about any of this.

It was probably mostly Jude’s fault. He had been busy. Busy with Noah, with the devils and most importantly with running away. It wasn’t right. He could see that. Jude could understand Zero’s fury. It felt awful. All of it. Jude hated Zero’s anger. He could no longer look at Zero. Seeing a tear roll down his cheek had been the breaking point. Jude could barely breath.

“I won’t do it because I love you. Even if you’re acting like a stranger. I don’t want them to chase you,” Zero’s voice was husky. It sounded like he was making a great effort to keep his voice from breaking. Zero rubbed his palms against the steering wheel. _Nervous_. Zero took a deep breath and Jude could hear him swallowing. He was really upset. Jude’s heart ached.

“I’m sorry. I really am. You know I-.”

It was Zero’s turn to interrupt Jude: “Don’t. Just, please.”

“Don’t what?” Jude asked.

Zero didn’t answer right away. He took a moment to reconsider what he was saying or debating how he wanted to say it. Or that was Jude’s guess. He felt antsy. The tension between was so thick that Jude could almost see it. He had no idea how to cut it. For a second he was a young junior agent again, afraid of how Zero would react to anything he did. Terrified of saying the wrong thing or going too far. His hands were starting to sweat.

“Don’t lie. Okay? I want you to be direct with me. Like we used to be. You can lie to everyone else in the world. I don’t care. Just not to me.”

Zero sounded calmer and it eased Jude’s mind just a little bit. The heat was gone. Zero was no longer squeezing the steering wheel like his life depended on it. Jude caught himself looking thinking that he wanted to take Zero’s hand to his. _Be direct_. It might not have been what Zero meant, but close enough.

The feeling of Zero’s hand against Jude’s felt so familiar. So easy. Natural. Jude was scared to look at Zero. He hadn’t escaped the touch. That was probably a good sign. Maybe. Jude didn’t even know what he was trying to get to with this. He didn’t want Zero back. Or did he? Jesus. No. No. Absolutely not. Jude had wanted to get away from Zero. Away from their relationship. That was what he had wanted to, and it had felt great. Now he was just lying to himself.

Jude had felt great at some points, but he had also been feeling more confused than he had ever in his life. He had talked about it with Noah. He had told Jude to take his time to figure it out. It was a nice advice but didn’t really help since Jude wasn’t sure what he was confused about. Sun was starting to burn Jude’s skin.

Jude hadn’t planned to say it. He hadn’t given it a second, or really even the first thought. It just came out before Jude had even time to process it.

“Please don’t go.”

Jude saw how Zero smiled for a brief moment, before cutting it by biting his lip. He had his guard up. Jude couldn’t breathe. He was scared and he didn’t know why that was exactly.

“Why?” Zero sounded dubious.

_Because I love you._

“I think we need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and yes, yes I know that it has been forever.
> 
> I'm so sorry that my updates are so irregular. I really want to finish this story and I love writing it. Just bear with me. I love you all and thank you so much for commenting on the last chapter.
> 
> Please leave a comment, if you are still with me and want me to continue this story!
> 
> stay safe xxxx


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